Writing.

Sometimes I think about writing. I think about coming home from work and spending the whole night writing, and how I will love it, and it will soothe my soul and I will feel all creative and have an outlet and not think about the crap at work, and the crap in my personal life, and it will be magical. And then I go and catch up on Facebook. And then there is pinterest....

So, clearly I am leading a rich life recreation-wise. I'm totally rejuvenated each morning and just RARING to go back to work, as you can imagine. Which, as you may guess, means I hate everyone's stinking guts, and was telling people to bite me as I wrote back the stupid diplomatic, cooperative emails. So, yeah. Happy, happy.

We won't get into the reasons I dread work and feel incredibly isolated, alone, and helpless every day now. I'm hoping this feeling passes soon. This morning, however, I had an anxiety attack larger than I have had in a while, and was convinced as I drove into work that my boss and the HR guy would be sitting in my office, and they would fire me. Don't ask me why. I am not aware of any (more) ways I have screwed up. But I'm still terrified  I've tried to talk to my boss about the impact some of the ways she manages me cause me to panic and despond. But, um, yeah. She takes it personally (as she in teh same breath tells me I need to learn how to not take things personally), and doesn't understand why I don't trust her. And yet, tells me that if I get fired, I will bring it on myself. Um, thanks for putting those positive thoughts out there? So, now? Don't really trust her. Because she doesn't seem to believe in me. And I want to tell her to bite me.

But, seriously, I used to love writing, and swore I would be a writer forever. I'm now failing. Haven't really written since college, in any kind of meaningful way. Sooooo... I really should start writing instead of pinning stuff on my boards on pinterest....

Tomorrow.

Birthday Blues

So my birthday is coming up... I was thinking about this tonight as I was driving home from dinner with  my parents, and I had a wee bit of a breakdown. I'm feeling a little like Eeyore right now:



But that's normal. I identify with him a little too much. I keep thinking I need to start working on having a happier outlook on life. But I'm not very good  at it.

Birthdays right  now for me are pretty difficult. Last year's for reasons I don't feel like expounding on right now, sucked. For reals. Luckily a girl from church, who I don't know well at all, was inspired to call me and we went out to dinner. So at least there was that.

The thing about being a single woman, living alone, who is not dating anyone, when all her friends have spouses or partners and  children and like, whole huge lives, is that birthdays are super lonely. My friends all, by default, have people to spend their birthdays with. Even if their partner and/or family are lame, and do little to nothing, they probably usually at least get a birthday hug. And, you know, when people ask them what they will do for their birthday, they can say they will be at home with their family, and that sounds like plans even if it isn't. When people ask me what I am doing, which they already have, I shrug all awkward and feel like a big loser. Because most likely I will get sung to at work, and then come home and watch something on hulu, and possibly cry. Or, I will skype with one of my friends, who might be the only one to make time for me, but lives in another state.

I know that I could try to avoid this scene by trying to make birthday plans for myself. But this could backfire in several ways and I don't wanna. 1. people could all be too busy. Therefore confirming that I really am a pretty big loser because her friends don't make time for her on her birthday, let alone any other time. Okay... so really, that's my biggest fear. But on top of that, it depresses me that I have to ask. NONE of my friends ever make a point of asking me to do something for my birthday. Or of doing anything FOR my birthday. I do have my BFF, who will most likely call me and make her kids sing or something, but they are far away.

I think that overall, the crying is about, for yet another birthday, having to think about my birthdya and exert fairly great effort to have people around me, when, if I were where I wanted to be, with people who love me close by and IN my life, it would just happen naturally and I would be ok with that.

Feeling very Eeyorish today. Please don't tell me to buck up.

Sleep used to be more magical...

I slept most of the day today. I didn't need to. I woke up at 7 or 8 this morning and felt wide awake and like I could get out of bed and have energy. But I didn't want to, so I willed myself back to sleep. And managed to keep falling back asleep each time I woke up for the majority of the day. Now it is dark out, and I am finally awake. I don't really want to, but I don't think i can sustain sleep anymore, and I would definitely be awake all night if I tried. I may be awake all night anyways. Although, at this moment, i feel like I could manage a nap.

This is not healthy behavior, I'm pretty sure. And the frustrating thing to me is, I used to be able to sleep away feelings better. My problems would seem smaller, and the next week things would get better. Now, my feelings are very real and there and not going away. Being an adult is stupid. And I don't really feel better. I just feel alone and isolated. And things are not going resolve all easy on their own. The ex is still my ex (although the text saying he loved me and the brief kiss were not helping in solidifying that), work is still a mess, and my finances are still a mess. And no one is fixing those things for me. And none of these things seem smaller after sleep.

I know I have loving, supportive friends. Several of them have been checking with me on this and listening as much as I need. But I'm so lonely. Everyone has these busy lives. I need company. I'm alone in this stupid apartment, and I don't know how to ask anyone to interrupt their life to spend time with me.

Life Gone to Crap

The last month has been totally awesome. And I mean that in a totally sarcastic and inauthentic way.

My job is changing in a way I don't like. If the powers that be had sat down and thought, how can we make this a job she would dread, they would have come up with this job. I think I may end up liking parts of it more than I currently think possible, but still. I'm not excited. And, because I'm a super-smart professional woman, I had a big melt-down at a meeting to discuss it and quite possibly alienated the powers that be. I definitely did not impress them.

I screwed up at work. I failed to do some Rather Important Things. This of course further impressed the Powers That Be. As a result, I'm being disciplined. The last conversation I had with my boss, she allowed me to conclude that they could very possibly fire me in the next six months. So, yeah, my morale is high. Since my boss is also my friend, I'm struggling with a whole different level of feeling betrayed, and abandoned. She couldn't even tell me she believes I'll get through this.

I got dumped. My boyfriend couldn't even just say it. He did the avoidance thing. And then either through what he said, or what he didn't say, he told my friend he was no longer interested, he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Hello, humiliation. It's glorious to not only have your friends witness your rejection, but inform you of it. After possibly commiserating with said boyfriend over what it's like to deal with me. That's how I picture it going down.

After being insensitive to my breakup and making plans with my fresh ex-boyfriend to help her with something, when confronted, one of my supposed friends told me that it wasn't a "real" relationship anyways. It was just a few dates. Wow. Thanks, friend. I feel... even more pathetic. If only I could have a "real" relationship like you...

It's at times like these that I ask, did I bring this on myself somehow, subconsciously? Because I've had friends before who are always saying "why does this always happen to me," when really, things aren't happening *to* them. They just always feel like a victim and feel picked on when ANYTHING happens. So maybe I'm feeling like a victim right now. But it really feels like Trial City. You know that song about how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I liked that song last month. Now I pretty much detest it. Bite me, perky chick.

Misery

Today I feel pretty miserable. My friend got engaged. She texted my other friend to tell her, but not me. I found out in a really off-hand way. It was not a great start to my day. I need to learn to let these tings go. I feel so wounded. And sad. I love her, but she doesn't seem to feel that I am very important. She's always doing this. She told me a while ago she was reprioritizing, and led me to believe she had realized she needed to value me more. Now I'm thinking maybe not. Or maybe it was just a day. I don't know.

Crazycakes.

I feel absolutely raw inside. It has been one of the most emotional, tumultuous, horrible, agonizing weeks in my life in some ways. And much of this has centered around work, which seems a little crazy to me. I should not have been taken to such depths over work. The thing about my work is, I feel very passionately about it. I feel passionately about what I do, and the people I do it for. So it would make sense that I would have very strong emotions. But crying in meetings? In front of my boss? In front of my boss's boss, and her boss? What am I, twelve?

The sheer emotion, humiliation, agony, pain, feeling of dismissal and inadequacy... I can't even describe how ripped up I feel inside emotionally. I am exhausted. I feel so beaten down.

Add onto that the conversation I had to have with boyfriend about how he should plan time into his week to spend with me, not just to go to the gym, and do all his other things on his to-do list. Feeling really valued here. If I have to remind him he should want to spend time with me, what are we doing? It's only been 3 months... I hear this is a bad sign.

With all this rawness and this emotionalness I feel so crazy, and I think, why WOULD he want to spend time with me? I'm crazycakes! I get emotional over everything. Everything seems to be the end of the world. He told me tonight that I am just really tender. I'm like a very ripe peach whose skin is about to burst. How can he make crazy sound so beautiful. And can he really believe that? Because everything seems to be a crisis in my life right now. What is wrong with me???

Angry Girl

One of the symptoms of depression that most surprised me when I connected it is anger. It's one of my major symptoms. When I'm not medicated correctly and deeply depressed, yes, I cry a lot. But I also get angry quickly and over stupid things. I found myself snapping at my poor dad the summer before I was diagnosed if he entered the room wrong. And don't ask me what wrong was. I'm still not sure.

Even with my meds at a much more effective dose than they've been at in forever, I still feel sometimes my symptoms can be the worst they've ever been. Today it's anger. Or this week, I should say. There's been some sucky things happening in my life. Also, my friends are not perfect. Neither of these facts should mean intense anger that festers. Yet, I've been feeling very angry and hurt and crabby for the last four or five days. I think PMS might be an element, too, which is just one of the joys of being a girl, but even more so a joy when you are a girl with depression. Yay, hormones!

So today I had some anger towards someone that I sometimes consider a friend, and sometimes think I should not count as a friend, because she doesn't seem to count me as one. When I get angry the way I was today, I hold onto it, even though I know I shouldn't. Even when I am thinking I want to move past it. It seems to latch onto me and not let my thoughts go elsewhere. I find my thoughts spiraling around the anger, and it grows larger in my mind. The injustices towards me become immense. In short, I'm stupid.

I need to figure out how to remove myself from that place. I did end up finally letting go, because something happened that forced my attention elsewhere. And now I remind myself what I've tried to tell myself, but that I only seem to remember and identify in calmer moments. And that is, I shouldn't let this be such a big thing. I can choose to not let her have this power over me. I don't have to be angry. After all, what is the point? I could focus on other things and be happy and calm, and not ruin a day or a week or a life over the thoughtless things she does, or over worrying about what she thinks of me. I don't have to let any of it consume me. Now, how to convince irrational me of this. She doesn't listen very well...

And Down We Dip

Just when I think I'm feeling all healthy and junk and things are ok in my life, something happens that sucks and I'm a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Ugh. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of being hurt by everything. I feel like everything hurts me. It could be that there are just a lot of hurtful things around me right now. Or it could be that I am a pansy. I can't decide which. I would like to stand up for myself to people who think it's the former, but I sometimes am a traitor to me and think it might be the latter. But then I think, I'm always hard on myself, maybe this is where I need to cut myself a break.

And then I think, maybe I'm that annoying person who says "why does this always happen to me," who you just stare at, and think, um, it didn't happen to you, you created this mess you are sitting in the middle of, and the pain is coming because you refuse to see your part in it and try to resolve it. 

And then I just want to give up. Because I try to not be crazy, and to be healthy and junk, and to love my life, and my friends, and just appreciate it all. But I end up crying, and it's exhausting. And I can't seem to do it right. So I would really like to become a hermit now and live in a cabin on a mountain with grocery delivery and wifi and really good cable for the rest of my life. Is that too much to ask? 

Calm Down and Relax!

Two pieces of advise I am tired of hearing:

1. Calm down.
2. Relax.

followed closely by

3. You should try yoga.

In response:

First of all, you should never tell a woman who is all wound up to calm down. That one is easily addressed. Just don't do it.

Second, I really don't understand why people tell me to relax. Apparently I am a particularly tense person. Although, the people who seem to tell me to relax the most are the men I date. So the question is, does that mean I am an inordinately tense person, or that they make me tense in particular situations. Is it because I pick the wrong men and they make me tense, or because I'm all messed up and uptight?

Third, why is yoga so magical? The insistence in it's magical powers to cure my depression make me resent it. I don't want to try it now.  I'm feeling quite hostile towards yoga.

Motivation

So now that my meds have been at a fairly good level for a while, I'm feeling less apathy. I'm actually feeling a little bit of energy, and interest in doing stuff. The problem is, I've got some pretty good low-energy routines and habits. My laptop is my friend. I can talk to friends, read the news, watch tv, check my email, do work, read about things, buy things, listen to music... all from teh comfort of my bed. But I shouldn't just crawl into bed every night when I get home and stay there, right? It's occurring to me that perhaps this is not a good habit. I know, I should have thought about this a while ago, right? But my bed is so comfy and it's so nice to lay down when I get home. And then I never get up.

I am realizing I have this whole other part ot my living space, and it might be healthy to be out there sometimes. I could eat meals at a table instead of on my bed. I could watch movies on my tv. I could do projects... in all that space. don't ask me what kind of projects, but I'm sure I have some to do. Not crafts. I hate crafts. I could read books. I only read books when I'm outside or at restaurants alone now. As a result, I've been reading the same book since like December. It's a good book. But perhaps I should try finishing it sometime soon.

This might also help me with my goal of keeping my apartment cleaner. Right now, my bed is my island. All of my activity happens on my bed. Which can make my room get very messy very quickly when I don't want to get up and put things away or I don't look up from my computer enough to notice my surroundings. Bad. I used to clean and organize when I was stressed. Recently I've started doing this at work again. It's time to get my personal life clean and organized. I've been feeling icky for too long. It might be time to start taking care of myself again.

And then after all that energy comes into me and I feel actual interest and energy around those thoughts, I get up, and do something for 5 minutes, and I don't want to be. Because I like my routine and this living life thing takes energy.

Oh the Drama I Manifest

I sometimes feel like I'm channeling my melodramatic teenager self. Which, I totally had deep thoughts as a teenager, so I'm not completely opposed to that. At least I'm not making passive-aggressive, dramatic status posts on Facebook to my current crush. That would be a little bit too far. But a nice, anonymous, open letter to a friend on my secret blog they do not know about just feels therapeutic to me. It's like that letter you write to get it all out and then you burn, or at least never give to that person. So, instead of burning it, I'm releasing it to the world via the internet. Which is totally like burning it. But way, way, way more public and permanent.

I sometimes think this whole blog is a venting ground for my inner melodramatic teenager. But, the reality is it's my outlet for all the feelings that are knotted up inside of me, making things all complicated and sometimes stopping any progress I could be making. They are both the symptoms of, and the result of my depression. Feelings are dramatic. I think that sometimes, as adults, we are better able to hide these feelings, and to downplay the torrent of feelings we sometimes go through. We also get to a point where we learn the lesson that having our business out in the world is not necessarily going to bring us peace, clarity, or strong relationships. Gossip gets old and having everyone know all the little flaws and problems in us can be stressful. But there is something freeing sometimes in just saying things. Something liberating in saying the things we hold inside because that is what adults do. As we get older it seems like sometimes we worry more about what people around us think. I can't possibly tell my coworkers and the people I supervise I have a mental illness because that is admitting weakness. I can't let them see me cry because they will not respect me. And those feelings are reinforced by our friends, coworkers, bosses, parents, and enemies. I can't tell you the kickback I've gotten in the last year or so at work over my emotional moments. I hate crying in public. I hate having people know that I cry. But I can't seem to hold my tears in check anymore. And people around me can't seem to keep their mouths in check. They have to tell me that my emotional outbursts are embarrassing to them. That people have less respect. That they think I am emotionally unstable.

People are emotional. To pretend you are not, just because your emotions may not manifest like mine do, is ridiculous. Your anger and cattiness is no more appropriate in this grownup world than my tears or anxiety. They do not win my respect any more than my emotions win yours. And they do not make you more adult than me. They do not make you more in control than me.

This blog gives me a place to be honest in my feelings, and not worry about who is judging me, or what they are thinking. But the funny thing is, not knowing who, if anyone, will read each of these posts, I still analyze how this would sound to someone, what they will think, what kind of person they are picturing me as, how they relate, and whether my writing will speak to them. There is no escaping the feeling of impending judgement, apparently. Because whether it's people I know or anonymous people I don't know and may never hear from, I will be judged. They will decide who I am, and what my words tell them about me. So I suppose part of what this exercise should be for me is a chance to learn to let go of worrying about what others will decide I am. The question is, will I ever stop placing the perception of others ahead of my own perception of who I am.

And then I think, when was it that I lost sight of who I am in God's eyes? And why can't I seem to center myself again?

Dear Friend I Love:

You have recently seen the error of your ways in our friendship. I am so relieved, although a little bit tentative. You have apologized to me in the past for crappy moments, and then things have lapsed back, and you have pushed, no SHOVED me away. I know this is a pattern for you. You have admitted that it freaks you out to have your friends close. I'm not the type of friend who does friendship from a distance. You know this. When you said, a week or so ago, that you are looking at the people in your life, and who you are giving to without receiving, and who is really giving to you, and how you value those people, it kind of slid by me.  I didn't see the significance when you said it. You say things with great significance so casually, because, of course, you are not one to talk about feelings. I still am not one hundred percent sure that's what you said, even though I was there. But I'm pretty sure that was recognition that I'm a good friend, that I've always been a good friend, and that you have finally really remembered and realized that and realized that the person you've been TREATING like a good friend, to the detriment of our friendship, in front of me while treating me like I'm nothing, is actually kind of a crappy friend to you. I tried saying things about it to you, but that got interpreted as jealousy. I think your eyes are finally being opened to the full reality of who she is, but I'm still not feeling like I can tell you the things I've seen and heard from the very beginning and trust that you will see them as marks of my honesty and insight, instead of as signs that I'm jealous. Because you like that word. To you anyone who is saying things you don't like about someone seems to be jealous. And I'm not saying I am never jealous, but I'm not an immensely jealous person.

I really hope you continue to be so centered. It is a little eye-opening to me to realize how surprised I am every time you treat me like it's important that I'm at your house, or present in whatever social setting. This is how you used to treat me. This is what I was talking about when I tried to tell you how much differently you were treating me, and you called me jealous. I was not crazy. And now you seem to have remembered. I seem to be important to you again. I'm scared to relax.

Do you realize how guarded I am with you now? I was so open, and then you rejected me, and pushed me away. Several times. I can't look you in the eye and trust you when you say that you are glad I am there. Because I have in the past, and then the next week you're irritated that I want to be included in your life. I can't let my love for you show in my eyes, because in the past that has resulted in being judged for caring too much. I can't hug you like I want to hug you, because that was Too Much in the past too. In short, I can't be the friend I want to be with you. I'm afraid that if I relax and do that again, it will put me back where we've been several times now. It will put me back in the space where I live when you push me away. Where you are so concerned about how I am Too Close you can't see past your nose to think about how I am feeling, or why *I* am struggling, or how YOU can help ME.

I think you are trying to make sure you are giving as well as receiving now. I hope you can sustain it. Because I don't want to give up on this friendship. But I also know that at some point, to let you continue to push me away and pull me back is not necessarily healthy for me. And I really love you and value you as a dear friend. I don't ever want to have to walk away from our friendship.

Love,
Sadgirl

Apparently Love is Scary

So... haven't dated in a while. Not since Red. Am now dating. Boyfriend has already declared he is In Love. Which is super sweet and makes me swoon a little. The part where I panic is when he wants me to say it back. I don't think I could call what I am feeling love. I do like him. I miss him sometimes. I'm attracted to him for sure. But Love freaks me out, apparently. Like, way more than I realized. It's not scary in friendship, or for family. But for the boyfriend? Love? So scary. And it's really starting to bother him. But the more he pushes, the more freaked out I get and the more I feel like I may never feel it, for him, or for anyone. Really need to go get me some more counseling. Or I'm going to be a little bitter hermit woman soon and for the rest of my life.

My Secret

My secret is that I sometimes think how easy it would be to drive off a bridge. Don't worry, I don't really want to do it. But when they talk about suicide, they always say you should ask the person confessing the desire if they have a plan.Weird that I am one step closer than I have ever been before to having a plan.




My secret changes every time I do this. I wonder what it will be next time...

Changing as You Grow Older

I have known women who have said that they have grown more emotional with motherhood. I'm beginning to think that maybe part of it is just being a woman. Period. And having hormones. And having them change, even slightly.

I hate crying. I hate crying in front of people. And yet, I am now known as a weeper at work. This is not a good thing. This is not respected, tolerated, or looked upon as okay in my current work culture. Plus, I don't like crying in front of people and showing that weakness.

Why does my body feel the urge to showcase those emotions? Why can't I just be all unapproachable, or something more respected. Grr. Must figure out how to stop crying. I think it might start with not caring. I need to care less. That sounds like work.

Hello, Good Day!

I feel healthy today. Everything isn't perfect. There are things I wish were different. I wish a few people were relating with me differently than they are choosing to. I am stressed or nervous about a few things. I'm irritated about a few things at work, and a few things personally. But I'm content all the same. I love meds that work. I think they are making people want to be around me more. Also, the anti-anxiety meds have helped me to feel more sane and get through some things. I have the kind you take at the point of anxiety, and that you shouldn't use every day. They have helped keep me pinned down in reality and rational a few times. I find that having experienced a few stressful situations in that state makes me more able to conceive of dealing with similar circumstances in the future. That gives me hope.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like every day from now on will be like this. But I feel like I'm okay today. And every once in a while I need to stop and recognize these days and document them to prove to myself that they do exist.

Letting Myself Be Happy

My meds are much better. My friendships are all in good places. Conflicts with friends that were breaking my heart are resolved. I have a great guy I'm dating who just told me he loves me (although I feel a wee bit too fast... we've only been dating for about two months). I feel sad. I shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't be feeling dissatisfied with the guy. I shouldn't be feeling that I want more from the friendships. I shouldn't be sad.

For crying out loud.

I need to get back to counseling. I don't want to. Also, I am broke. That is a legitmate source of stress this week. I am so stinking broke. Like, bursting at the seams, I am in debt, should pay attention to my budget because avoidance doesn't make it better broke. I think there is chicklit about this. And I am pretty sure reading about this girl did not so much amuse me as make me super anxious. But I digress. The point is, I need counseling, but I need to be able to pay for it...

At least, that was the point of that paragraph.

My real point is, I should be happy. This is the time when I should move forward. Embrace life. Be thankful that there are times when it gets better. When the meds work. When people love me back. When I get what I want and all that junk.

I really am an Eeyore. I don't want to be anymore. Why can't I be all Pollyanna and be Glad and stuff. I'm like Pollyanna after she broke her back or whatever.

So seriously, can't figure out why I can't let myself be happy. I mean, we could go with the answer about how I'm afraid to let myself be happy because I"ll end up getting hurt or something. And I'm sure that plays into it. But why can't I just enjoy the good feeling today. What is my deal?

ALONE

You know what's interesting is that I can go through an entire weekend and just fall of the map and not leave my apartment and no one misses me or wonders what's going on or worries about me. Except perhaps my parents. Bless their hearts. But as far as having like a grown up life with people in it... not so much.

What makes it even more... odd, is that I have a window into what people are doing on facebook. My friends spend a lot of time with their other friends. I'm just not one of those friends that people spend time with. I don't understand it. I really don't. I'm the friend that people love and check in on but don't embrace as part of their actual life. What is that? It's funny that I have always believed that I am a very good friend. I work very hard at being a very good friend. But I have the affect on friends of being the friend you don't quite ever make plans with. I think I've failed and I didn't even notice....

And don't tell me it's my friends, because it's not. They are great. And I don't need new ones. The ones I have are amazing. It's me. There's something really toxic about me.

So Tired from Being Quiet

I'm so exhausted from the things I have not said today.

Like when my friend at work told me for the gazillionth time today that she was going to quit, she was fed up, she can't take the toxicness of it all anymore. I could have said "that's funny, I've been wondering what the hell I'm still doing here too," because of how much she and a few others have added to the toxic feel for me. But saying that would not have made things better, but worse.

Like what I didn't say to the  man who is apparently interested in dating me. I have to tell him about my incredible conservatism. I anticipate this relationship will fizzle quickly after that. One friend told me I was being pessimistic. I know my boundaries would be deal breakers for her, though. Oh, he gave me the sweetest hug this morning. It almost made today not suck. Almost.

Like how I'm still not saying to my sisters, who made plans together, and did not include me, while the out-of-town sister was here, "my feelings are hurt. would hit have killed you to invite me? This is starting to be a pattern."

With all the stuff going on  at work, I feel like such a leper right now. Crying is not okay. Which, yeah, I kind of agree with. I'm a grown woman. I should not break down into tears at work. But I don't think that makes me less of a woman. It just makes me a woman who needs to get it together. And I feel so betrayed that neither of the people I (perhaps foolishly) consider friends seem to stick up for me with people, but just make sure to tell me how little people think of me for crying, and how I have no one's respect. Thanks, friends. Maybe in your world that is tough love. In my world, that is absolute betrayal. Thanks for not having my back. That is the biggest thing I want to say that I am not saying.

Sleeeep

For the love. Just when I thought my sleep was almost kind of healthy (ie, I woke up in the morning at about the same time, and often earlier, which, while annoying, felt closer to healthy than previous sleep patterns), and I have a night of no sleep. I was awake until 4am this morning. I tried to fall asleep throughout the night and was just sooo wide awake that I gave up a few times and sat up and did a few things online to try to bring on the drowsiness through some activity. Nope. Didn't work. I finally started feeling like I could find sleep at about 4 and I was able to fall asleep finally. And then of course I slept through church completely. I loved my bed today. When I woke up today my bed was so, so comfortable, and I was so content. That is much better than waking up to anxiety like I was doing earlier this year. I didn't want to get out of bed but I had dinner at my parents. Before that I was enjoying a supremely lazy day in my jammies. Which sounds nice except for the immense guilt of missing church. Again. 

I hope that I can sleep tonight. I wish that I could just stay up all night and sleep in my bed all cozy tomorrow though. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to be reminded of the life I have that seems to be going nowhere, and that seems to be so much about how alone I am. 

alone

I am so tired of being alone. I am so alone. I hate how alone I am. I hate that when I am feeling lonely my way of reaching out for human contact is over instant message. I hate that I don't feel like I can call my friends. Hanging out is out of the question. They are busy with their lives. They have things to do. They have all suggested that I should find some people to hang out with. What the hell are they, if I can't hang out with them. In their minds, we're friends, but I need OTHER friends to hang out with. What is that? What makes them think other people will want to spend that much time with me if they don't want to.

One of my friends did not look well when she left work today. I was really worried about her, and checked in with her to make sure she got home ok. And it made me think, I want to be checked in on. I'm not ok. No one is checking in on me. I want someone to worry. I could die in this apartment and I'm not sure how long it would take someone to come check on me.

So Sad

Not okay with losing friends. Especially when I have to see said friend every day. And especially when said friend acts like it's no big deal. Not okay with fake friendship.

Work Faster.

I took my new upped dosage of meds last night. I really wish immediate gratification were possible with meds. Waiting is dumb. Especially when you have this ugly dead inside feeling with you when you wake, when you work, when you try to relax, when you sleep... Or if not dead inside, a wishing you were dead inside. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't want to be this person. Why can't I just be happy with what I have and all that junk?

Please Oh Please Let the Meds Make it Better.

So talked to the doc today and I will be upping my meds. Really hoping that this will be the step up that makes the anxiety that's been consuming me manageable. Really afraid that it won't do anything, and we'll be on the continued search for the med that is the answer. My doctor is resistant to prescribing an anti-anxiety med since she says they should not be taken frequently, or you can build up a resistance and addiction to them. I think that's benzo's she is talking about. I really need to educated myself because I'm not sure, and I am also unsure if there are other meds she could be looking at. All I know is that this anxiety is making my life miserable and I want it to stop. I'm trying to be healthy and junk. I am just so tired of my thoughts being so miserable and sad and desperate and angry and paranoid and corrosive. Praying for the meds to work.

Today I was thinking about starting another blog. I would make it my blog where I updated the webiverse on how big of jerks some of my coworkers/friends can be. I could say all the mean things they did and how very abused I am. I concluded that while this sounded satisfying at the time, it would really probably not feel so great. I feel like I already spend so much time devoting thought to negative stuff. The rational part of me tells me that focusing on the crappy moments will not make anything better, and that I shouldn't devote my energy to thinking about them, since I can't change it or make them behave differently. Stupid rationalness. Being grown up and reasonable sucks sometimes. This is what I think when I have moments of reasonableness, at least.

How Can I Disappoint YOU Today?

So the theme of my life this week/month/year is disappointment. Not my own feelings of disappointment, although I seem to succeed in being disappointed in everything and everybody lately, what with my whole glass mostly empty view on life. No. The disappointment I speak of is the gazillion ways that I can disappoint the people I work with, the people I love, the people who love me, and the people I serve. I have blown it in some big ways lately with people.

I've stood friends up for dinner frequently (mostly unintentionally because I have turned into the biggest airhead in the world). They have been patient but I can feel them resigning themselves to my inconsiderateness, which means the socialness I have been working so hard to engage in will be that much more difficult to achieve, since no one will want to set dates with me.

I screwed up in a major way at work, and the effect of what I messed up on has caused ripples that keep rebounding off things and lapping back over me, extending the moments of disappointment and magnifying my feelings of ineffectiveness and perpetual failure. So, yeah. The career is looking great.

I'm failing at church. Failing to go, failing to follow through on service I have committed to. Failing to engage in the spiritual rites and practices I know would soothe me. Even now, writing about how I could be soothed, I feel so anxious and guilty that even though somewhere in my heart I feel my religion could help heal me, most of my heart seems to be saying that I am too far gone and that there is no point. In my heart of hearts I think I must be greatly disappointing God.

I've been working forever, it seems, to learn how to cope with my depression. i thought that I had grown in my depression and that the deep wounds have made me wise and that I had weathered hard times and it had smoothed some of my rough edges. And then this last year or so happened. I feel as though with all the tumult, my edges should be smooth like a rounded pebble on the beach. They should be. But when I examine myself, I feel like a jagged rock that has just been shattered and has more edges than the ocean could ever smooth. My flaws are more glaring and my barriers to being a whole person loom larger than ever before. People I trust and love tell me that I am so unhealthy,so odd, so not normal, that they must go over here and be happy together, away from my toxicity. They tell me the truth as they feel bound to say it, and move away before they are infected. And I don't blame them. I envy them. It must be nice to know how to Be. To give and receive love and feel the glow of being a light in the lives of the ones you love.

I used to feel like that. I used to be able to draw myself out of the space I'm in now and feel that there was hope. That I had friends I gave light to. That my soul was not as ugly and dark and decrepit as it felt in my low moments. I have fleeting moments of that feeling now, but I seem to stumble upon it. I can't intentionally elicit it, and I half hold my breath when I am feeling it, because at any moment an ugly thought or sudden realization of what feels like the horrible truth of my condition  could emerge and take my brain hostage again.

My therapist says I am doing better. She says I am dealing with ugly thought patterns better and that I should not be so hard on myself and celebrate my successes. My friends who have told me how hard it is to be around me have remarked that I have been doing better. But they are still over there. And I need them over here. All of this isolation might possibly drive me mad.

There is a woman who is mentally ill who uses services in the building I work at. Often, in the afternoon, things get to be too much for her. When the internal stimuli that is taunting her gets to be too much, she lets loose with blood curdling, heart rending screams. Over and over and over. For as long as 30-45 minutes. One day, after one of these episodes, she remarked to me, "I want to apologize. I don't know why it happens. It just gets to be too much." I wanted to tell her, I know how you feel. I want to join you. Those screams sound just like the ones in my head. My heart answers every scream torn from her lips. I want to join her. If I did, maybe I could just stop trying.Give into the crazy in my head. They would commit me somewhere, put me on nice soothing medication that soften all the hard feelings. And in the moments the medication was not working, I could purge my soul and get it all out. I could scream until it was drained out of me.

I think it might be time to talk to the doc about upping my meds....

Watch This. Think About It.

This isn't my story, but I found this story very compelling. Will's depression led to a life-altering decision... thankfully not to death, but it very easily could have. I found his message, and the message of his mother and teacher (videos B and C on youtube), to be poignant. Pictures of the car and Will in recovery in video D blew me away..

Me Today.

When I started this blog I thought it would be all kinds of therapeutic. I thought I would be posting ALL the time. Writing has always been cathartic for me.

And then... the worst depressive period of my life. Ever. I'm really tired of it. The good news is I've got new meds that have brought me WAY up. Up enough that I can actually write. As mentioned in one of my posts not too far back, I don't get how suffering makes people more artistic. It just froze all the creative parts of me. There was a huge void where deep thoughts, or even frivolous goofy thoughts should be.

The other part is, even thought I'm starting to have an interest in activities again, and am not so apathetic I just want blissful unconsciousness, thoughts are still often painful. Especially the ones around my depression and how life has been going.

It's not helpful to have a friend tell you over and over that the effects of your anxiety that she is seeing are NOT NORMAL. Emphatically. Over and over again. Um, thanks, dear friend. And, also? Bite me. So, at least I am feeling a little feisty. I do okay with anger in my depression. It's when I'm too depressed to be angry and I just cave when people attack me that things get really bad. Because I totally have enough  negative inner dialogue. I don't need other people to help. Especially friends. But I don't want to tell that whole story right now. Because, like I said, those thoughts are painful. And I don't feel like dealing with that situation further at this point, except to know that I am really angry and that's okay.

So I've been focusing on little things to make life better. Because I still am a wee bit apathetic and get exhausted when I push myself to be the happy person I feel like I should be. So, I'm trying to make myself get up and clean when I want to lay and bed and watch me some online TV. Having a clean home makes a big difference in the mood. So at least when I succumb to my bed and laptop after a while of cleaning, I have accomplished something, and things are orderly around me, and I had some physical activity. So that was step one.

Step two is to start making plans with people and to go visit my cute little niece and nephews like I used to do so often. I've done that a little bit. This week has been so awful I bailed on my friend that I was supposed to get Thai with twice. Fortunately she is forgiving. We will reschedule.

Step three is to volunteer more. I do a little bit of volunteering with some kids. I've been doing bare minimum with that effort. Part of it is I think I need some change. I've started looking at some one-time opportunities with other organizations to just try some things out. That will help me to be a little bit social while having a task so I don't have to focus on the awkwardness of being social. I've never  enjoyed being social for socialness' sake. I like hanging out with friends one on one. Not "being social." Plus, you know, volunteering is good. Helping people, being passionate about a cause... all that.

I'm not sure what step four is. I'm still working on the first three. I'm a little weak on all three. I have little spurts of not being weak. That's better than where I was at. I feel like I should be filling my life. And then I feel like trying to do that would set me up for failure. Bleh. This is a lot of work. I'm tired just writing about it...