My Procrastination

I like to procrastinate. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I feel the need to procrastinate. A deep gripping overwhelming need to procrastinate. As though my life depended on it. I recently had an epiphany about this. I procrastinate to avoid The anxiety. The anxiety is too much.  If I look at my bills then I know that I'll be anxious about money and I'll be anxious about how much I make and I'll be anxious about the coming dentist bill that I can't pay. I think about the taxes I need to file and whether or not I did healthcare right last year. This turns into a worry about how the IRS is going to take away all my tax return. Then I worry about my retirement and how I'm behind on saving for it. Then I think about how I shouldn't file all of these papers floating around my apartment. Which makes me think I need to clean my apartment. If if I clean my apartment then I start to think about all of the things that I need to get rid of or the things I have nowhere to put. And then I think about how I have too much stuff. And then I think about how I have only six months left on my lease and I still haven't gotten everything put away. I'm  going to have to start packing soon.  

So at least now I know where all this avoidance comes from. Perhaps this seems obvious.  But I didn't know why I was sending everything out and hoping that it would go away. I had become such an airhead. I realize now it was self-preservation because there was too much anxiety over every thoughts I hadn't realized that I was anxious all the time. Somehow I missed that this was the over arching feeling. But I feel like I'm finally waking up.  I hope it's not too painful.