Fleeting Moment

I had a brief moment of honest connection with a friend today. She has been so wrapped up in her own life, and of course assumes there is nothing to know about mine. Today I had a moment of letting her see the raw despair I feel. She asked if I was ok. I am not really sure what I said. I don't even know how I deflected, but I think I did pretty quickly after that. There's a part of me that thinks that this is sad. There's another part of me that knows that honesty about where I'm at will not get me the soothing support that I wish for. She would tell me how I need to do things differently. How I need to try harder at counseling. That it will get better. That I need to stop holding onto negative crap. In other words, she will miss the point, and the honesty, of the moment. I don't need her to tell me how she sees me, my life, or life in general. What is the point of that? I mean, don't get me wrong. I would like to have her tell me all the amazing truths she sees about me. I would love it if she saw amazing truths in me. All she has shown me lately is ugly truth she sees in me. And how she has no faith in me. She loves me, but I'm so immensely flawed and in her mind I just need to embrace how horribly flawed I am and pretend it's beautiful. She doesn't even think my flaws are beautiful anymore.

I miss that friendship. I hate the restricted little box she has placed our friendship in. She doesn't even see how she is strangling our friendship. She doesn't get what friendship can be. How nourishing it can be. Any real connection is too much for her, at least for more than brief beautiful moments. And I have no power at this point. I feel like I'm just a bystander, witnessing as the life is choked out of any good part of our relationship.

I wish I were stronger. I wish she were stronger. I wish I were brave enough for a little honesty right now. I wish that bravery would not equal stupidity. I hate that this passive, awful place I'm in is what people like my counselor and my boss think is prudent and wise. Stupid. What is the point of being this person. I think I may have lost the things I love most about myself.

Love is Stupid.

So, kind of been seeing this guy. I say kind of, because he's not really doing a very good job of courting me. We talk most days. Today, he could have seen me. It's Valentine's Day. And, you know, whatever, it's a commercial holiday pretty much centered around spending money to show love. But, would have liked a little valentine. Something sentimental. I'm a sucker for genuine sentiment. Called him at the end of my work day. He's hanging out with a "buddy." Again, whatever. But at the same time, I want sentiment, dang it! 

I'm sure I probably set myself up for this. I choose to accept relationships like this, instead of expecting something different. But the something different doesn't seem to be out there for me. And it's not that he never shows sentiment. I just wish I could have that "normal" boyfriend experience. I want him to have moments where he's so excited to make me smile he forgets about him. Just moments. Because that's how I want to be for him. Ugh. Love is stupid. 

Valleys of Sorrow.

Since my last post I have been through what I can safely say is the most hellish bout of depression I have ever had. My whole life seemed close to crumbling. I got pretty close to ruining it in some major ways. I don't want to go into details here, but just rest assured, almost every facet of my life was touched.

I finally went to my doctor, and switched meds. Life is so much better. I won't say it all had to do with the meds. I worked hard to get out of that horrible valley. I agonized and prayed and talked and did what needed to be done. But the meds have unfogged my head. I feel hope. I feel life might bring happy things.

I would never wish that kind of anguish on anyone. I know I am not alone in feeling deep anguish. And I know that depression is not the only thing to bring it. I dread the day I lose a parent or other close loved one to death. I have seen the anguish of close friends over horrible circumstances in their lives. The only thing I can hope is that my faith will see me through, and that God will bring me comfort. Through all that anguish, I know He was there, loving me. I still don't understand why He wouldn't lift it from my shoulders when I first asked. But I do believe it was Him that lifted it. I think I've probably taken some deep lessons away that will aid me in the future. I know it deepened my empathy. I pray I never feel so wretched again.