ALONE

You know what's interesting is that I can go through an entire weekend and just fall of the map and not leave my apartment and no one misses me or wonders what's going on or worries about me. Except perhaps my parents. Bless their hearts. But as far as having like a grown up life with people in it... not so much.

What makes it even more... odd, is that I have a window into what people are doing on facebook. My friends spend a lot of time with their other friends. I'm just not one of those friends that people spend time with. I don't understand it. I really don't. I'm the friend that people love and check in on but don't embrace as part of their actual life. What is that? It's funny that I have always believed that I am a very good friend. I work very hard at being a very good friend. But I have the affect on friends of being the friend you don't quite ever make plans with. I think I've failed and I didn't even notice....

And don't tell me it's my friends, because it's not. They are great. And I don't need new ones. The ones I have are amazing. It's me. There's something really toxic about me.

So Tired from Being Quiet

I'm so exhausted from the things I have not said today.

Like when my friend at work told me for the gazillionth time today that she was going to quit, she was fed up, she can't take the toxicness of it all anymore. I could have said "that's funny, I've been wondering what the hell I'm still doing here too," because of how much she and a few others have added to the toxic feel for me. But saying that would not have made things better, but worse.

Like what I didn't say to the  man who is apparently interested in dating me. I have to tell him about my incredible conservatism. I anticipate this relationship will fizzle quickly after that. One friend told me I was being pessimistic. I know my boundaries would be deal breakers for her, though. Oh, he gave me the sweetest hug this morning. It almost made today not suck. Almost.

Like how I'm still not saying to my sisters, who made plans together, and did not include me, while the out-of-town sister was here, "my feelings are hurt. would hit have killed you to invite me? This is starting to be a pattern."

With all the stuff going on  at work, I feel like such a leper right now. Crying is not okay. Which, yeah, I kind of agree with. I'm a grown woman. I should not break down into tears at work. But I don't think that makes me less of a woman. It just makes me a woman who needs to get it together. And I feel so betrayed that neither of the people I (perhaps foolishly) consider friends seem to stick up for me with people, but just make sure to tell me how little people think of me for crying, and how I have no one's respect. Thanks, friends. Maybe in your world that is tough love. In my world, that is absolute betrayal. Thanks for not having my back. That is the biggest thing I want to say that I am not saying.

Sleeeep

For the love. Just when I thought my sleep was almost kind of healthy (ie, I woke up in the morning at about the same time, and often earlier, which, while annoying, felt closer to healthy than previous sleep patterns), and I have a night of no sleep. I was awake until 4am this morning. I tried to fall asleep throughout the night and was just sooo wide awake that I gave up a few times and sat up and did a few things online to try to bring on the drowsiness through some activity. Nope. Didn't work. I finally started feeling like I could find sleep at about 4 and I was able to fall asleep finally. And then of course I slept through church completely. I loved my bed today. When I woke up today my bed was so, so comfortable, and I was so content. That is much better than waking up to anxiety like I was doing earlier this year. I didn't want to get out of bed but I had dinner at my parents. Before that I was enjoying a supremely lazy day in my jammies. Which sounds nice except for the immense guilt of missing church. Again. 

I hope that I can sleep tonight. I wish that I could just stay up all night and sleep in my bed all cozy tomorrow though. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to be reminded of the life I have that seems to be going nowhere, and that seems to be so much about how alone I am. 

alone

I am so tired of being alone. I am so alone. I hate how alone I am. I hate that when I am feeling lonely my way of reaching out for human contact is over instant message. I hate that I don't feel like I can call my friends. Hanging out is out of the question. They are busy with their lives. They have things to do. They have all suggested that I should find some people to hang out with. What the hell are they, if I can't hang out with them. In their minds, we're friends, but I need OTHER friends to hang out with. What is that? What makes them think other people will want to spend that much time with me if they don't want to.

One of my friends did not look well when she left work today. I was really worried about her, and checked in with her to make sure she got home ok. And it made me think, I want to be checked in on. I'm not ok. No one is checking in on me. I want someone to worry. I could die in this apartment and I'm not sure how long it would take someone to come check on me.