Blank Mind

Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.

I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.

Feel the Alone-ness

Anxiety seems to be the watchword this week. I am freaking out today, because I have been sending texts to people with little response. Mostly because my phone sucks, I'm sure, but it's hard to tell. Add to that the fact that the last time I saw my good friend he was stressing out and snapped at me right before I left, and that I left a voice mail yesterday and he didn't call me back. So is this supposed to be a hint, or did he not get my texts today? Am I being that obnoxious girl? Is he even aware I tried to contact him today? And why is friend who is visiting so quiet? The worrying goes on and on, and it's driving me crazy.

Around and Around and Back and Forth (Like a Yo-Yo but Less Fun)

So this weekend I'm full of anxiety. I figure if I can identify which symptom is making me behave like a crazy person, then I can stop the crazy thought pattern in my head before it drives me 'round the bend. I had friends cancel coming into town because of money problems, but I'm convinced that they really cancelled because they were hurt when other people weren't available so they decided it would not be worth it and are just making excuses. Even though I am available. Which makes me think that they are really forgetting me, just like I knew they would when they moved. Then I tell myself that if they are short on money then I should not be mad at them. Then I tell myself that they just don't love me like they used to. And the circular thoughts go on and on.

Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?

Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.

Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.