I slept most of the day today. I didn't need to. I woke up at 7 or 8 this morning and felt wide awake and like I could get out of bed and have energy. But I didn't want to, so I willed myself back to sleep. And managed to keep falling back asleep each time I woke up for the majority of the day. Now it is dark out, and I am finally awake. I don't really want to, but I don't think i can sustain sleep anymore, and I would definitely be awake all night if I tried. I may be awake all night anyways. Although, at this moment, i feel like I could manage a nap.
This is not healthy behavior, I'm pretty sure. And the frustrating thing to me is, I used to be able to sleep away feelings better. My problems would seem smaller, and the next week things would get better. Now, my feelings are very real and there and not going away. Being an adult is stupid. And I don't really feel better. I just feel alone and isolated. And things are not going resolve all easy on their own. The ex is still my ex (although the text saying he loved me and the brief kiss were not helping in solidifying that), work is still a mess, and my finances are still a mess. And no one is fixing those things for me. And none of these things seem smaller after sleep.
I know I have loving, supportive friends. Several of them have been checking with me on this and listening as much as I need. But I'm so lonely. Everyone has these busy lives. I need company. I'm alone in this stupid apartment, and I don't know how to ask anyone to interrupt their life to spend time with me.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Life Gone to Crap
The last month has been totally awesome. And I mean that in a totally sarcastic and inauthentic way.
My job is changing in a way I don't like. If the powers that be had sat down and thought, how can we make this a job she would dread, they would have come up with this job. I think I may end up liking parts of it more than I currently think possible, but still. I'm not excited. And, because I'm a super-smart professional woman, I had a big melt-down at a meeting to discuss it and quite possibly alienated the powers that be. I definitely did not impress them.
I screwed up at work. I failed to do some Rather Important Things. This of course further impressed the Powers That Be. As a result, I'm being disciplined. The last conversation I had with my boss, she allowed me to conclude that they could very possibly fire me in the next six months. So, yeah, my morale is high. Since my boss is also my friend, I'm struggling with a whole different level of feeling betrayed, and abandoned. She couldn't even tell me she believes I'll get through this.
I got dumped. My boyfriend couldn't even just say it. He did the avoidance thing. And then either through what he said, or what he didn't say, he told my friend he was no longer interested, he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Hello, humiliation. It's glorious to not only have your friends witness your rejection, but inform you of it. After possibly commiserating with said boyfriend over what it's like to deal with me. That's how I picture it going down.
After being insensitive to my breakup and making plans with my fresh ex-boyfriend to help her with something, when confronted, one of my supposed friends told me that it wasn't a "real" relationship anyways. It was just a few dates. Wow. Thanks, friend. I feel... even more pathetic. If only I could have a "real" relationship like you...
It's at times like these that I ask, did I bring this on myself somehow, subconsciously? Because I've had friends before who are always saying "why does this always happen to me," when really, things aren't happening *to* them. They just always feel like a victim and feel picked on when ANYTHING happens. So maybe I'm feeling like a victim right now. But it really feels like Trial City. You know that song about how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I liked that song last month. Now I pretty much detest it. Bite me, perky chick.
My job is changing in a way I don't like. If the powers that be had sat down and thought, how can we make this a job she would dread, they would have come up with this job. I think I may end up liking parts of it more than I currently think possible, but still. I'm not excited. And, because I'm a super-smart professional woman, I had a big melt-down at a meeting to discuss it and quite possibly alienated the powers that be. I definitely did not impress them.
I screwed up at work. I failed to do some Rather Important Things. This of course further impressed the Powers That Be. As a result, I'm being disciplined. The last conversation I had with my boss, she allowed me to conclude that they could very possibly fire me in the next six months. So, yeah, my morale is high. Since my boss is also my friend, I'm struggling with a whole different level of feeling betrayed, and abandoned. She couldn't even tell me she believes I'll get through this.
I got dumped. My boyfriend couldn't even just say it. He did the avoidance thing. And then either through what he said, or what he didn't say, he told my friend he was no longer interested, he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Hello, humiliation. It's glorious to not only have your friends witness your rejection, but inform you of it. After possibly commiserating with said boyfriend over what it's like to deal with me. That's how I picture it going down.
After being insensitive to my breakup and making plans with my fresh ex-boyfriend to help her with something, when confronted, one of my supposed friends told me that it wasn't a "real" relationship anyways. It was just a few dates. Wow. Thanks, friend. I feel... even more pathetic. If only I could have a "real" relationship like you...
It's at times like these that I ask, did I bring this on myself somehow, subconsciously? Because I've had friends before who are always saying "why does this always happen to me," when really, things aren't happening *to* them. They just always feel like a victim and feel picked on when ANYTHING happens. So maybe I'm feeling like a victim right now. But it really feels like Trial City. You know that song about how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I liked that song last month. Now I pretty much detest it. Bite me, perky chick.
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