And Down We Dip

Just when I think I'm feeling all healthy and junk and things are ok in my life, something happens that sucks and I'm a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Ugh. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of being hurt by everything. I feel like everything hurts me. It could be that there are just a lot of hurtful things around me right now. Or it could be that I am a pansy. I can't decide which. I would like to stand up for myself to people who think it's the former, but I sometimes am a traitor to me and think it might be the latter. But then I think, I'm always hard on myself, maybe this is where I need to cut myself a break.

And then I think, maybe I'm that annoying person who says "why does this always happen to me," who you just stare at, and think, um, it didn't happen to you, you created this mess you are sitting in the middle of, and the pain is coming because you refuse to see your part in it and try to resolve it. 

And then I just want to give up. Because I try to not be crazy, and to be healthy and junk, and to love my life, and my friends, and just appreciate it all. But I end up crying, and it's exhausting. And I can't seem to do it right. So I would really like to become a hermit now and live in a cabin on a mountain with grocery delivery and wifi and really good cable for the rest of my life. Is that too much to ask? 

Calm Down and Relax!

Two pieces of advise I am tired of hearing:

1. Calm down.
2. Relax.

followed closely by

3. You should try yoga.

In response:

First of all, you should never tell a woman who is all wound up to calm down. That one is easily addressed. Just don't do it.

Second, I really don't understand why people tell me to relax. Apparently I am a particularly tense person. Although, the people who seem to tell me to relax the most are the men I date. So the question is, does that mean I am an inordinately tense person, or that they make me tense in particular situations. Is it because I pick the wrong men and they make me tense, or because I'm all messed up and uptight?

Third, why is yoga so magical? The insistence in it's magical powers to cure my depression make me resent it. I don't want to try it now.  I'm feeling quite hostile towards yoga.

Motivation

So now that my meds have been at a fairly good level for a while, I'm feeling less apathy. I'm actually feeling a little bit of energy, and interest in doing stuff. The problem is, I've got some pretty good low-energy routines and habits. My laptop is my friend. I can talk to friends, read the news, watch tv, check my email, do work, read about things, buy things, listen to music... all from teh comfort of my bed. But I shouldn't just crawl into bed every night when I get home and stay there, right? It's occurring to me that perhaps this is not a good habit. I know, I should have thought about this a while ago, right? But my bed is so comfy and it's so nice to lay down when I get home. And then I never get up.

I am realizing I have this whole other part ot my living space, and it might be healthy to be out there sometimes. I could eat meals at a table instead of on my bed. I could watch movies on my tv. I could do projects... in all that space. don't ask me what kind of projects, but I'm sure I have some to do. Not crafts. I hate crafts. I could read books. I only read books when I'm outside or at restaurants alone now. As a result, I've been reading the same book since like December. It's a good book. But perhaps I should try finishing it sometime soon.

This might also help me with my goal of keeping my apartment cleaner. Right now, my bed is my island. All of my activity happens on my bed. Which can make my room get very messy very quickly when I don't want to get up and put things away or I don't look up from my computer enough to notice my surroundings. Bad. I used to clean and organize when I was stressed. Recently I've started doing this at work again. It's time to get my personal life clean and organized. I've been feeling icky for too long. It might be time to start taking care of myself again.

And then after all that energy comes into me and I feel actual interest and energy around those thoughts, I get up, and do something for 5 minutes, and I don't want to be. Because I like my routine and this living life thing takes energy.

Oh the Drama I Manifest

I sometimes feel like I'm channeling my melodramatic teenager self. Which, I totally had deep thoughts as a teenager, so I'm not completely opposed to that. At least I'm not making passive-aggressive, dramatic status posts on Facebook to my current crush. That would be a little bit too far. But a nice, anonymous, open letter to a friend on my secret blog they do not know about just feels therapeutic to me. It's like that letter you write to get it all out and then you burn, or at least never give to that person. So, instead of burning it, I'm releasing it to the world via the internet. Which is totally like burning it. But way, way, way more public and permanent.

I sometimes think this whole blog is a venting ground for my inner melodramatic teenager. But, the reality is it's my outlet for all the feelings that are knotted up inside of me, making things all complicated and sometimes stopping any progress I could be making. They are both the symptoms of, and the result of my depression. Feelings are dramatic. I think that sometimes, as adults, we are better able to hide these feelings, and to downplay the torrent of feelings we sometimes go through. We also get to a point where we learn the lesson that having our business out in the world is not necessarily going to bring us peace, clarity, or strong relationships. Gossip gets old and having everyone know all the little flaws and problems in us can be stressful. But there is something freeing sometimes in just saying things. Something liberating in saying the things we hold inside because that is what adults do. As we get older it seems like sometimes we worry more about what people around us think. I can't possibly tell my coworkers and the people I supervise I have a mental illness because that is admitting weakness. I can't let them see me cry because they will not respect me. And those feelings are reinforced by our friends, coworkers, bosses, parents, and enemies. I can't tell you the kickback I've gotten in the last year or so at work over my emotional moments. I hate crying in public. I hate having people know that I cry. But I can't seem to hold my tears in check anymore. And people around me can't seem to keep their mouths in check. They have to tell me that my emotional outbursts are embarrassing to them. That people have less respect. That they think I am emotionally unstable.

People are emotional. To pretend you are not, just because your emotions may not manifest like mine do, is ridiculous. Your anger and cattiness is no more appropriate in this grownup world than my tears or anxiety. They do not win my respect any more than my emotions win yours. And they do not make you more adult than me. They do not make you more in control than me.

This blog gives me a place to be honest in my feelings, and not worry about who is judging me, or what they are thinking. But the funny thing is, not knowing who, if anyone, will read each of these posts, I still analyze how this would sound to someone, what they will think, what kind of person they are picturing me as, how they relate, and whether my writing will speak to them. There is no escaping the feeling of impending judgement, apparently. Because whether it's people I know or anonymous people I don't know and may never hear from, I will be judged. They will decide who I am, and what my words tell them about me. So I suppose part of what this exercise should be for me is a chance to learn to let go of worrying about what others will decide I am. The question is, will I ever stop placing the perception of others ahead of my own perception of who I am.

And then I think, when was it that I lost sight of who I am in God's eyes? And why can't I seem to center myself again?

Dear Friend I Love:

You have recently seen the error of your ways in our friendship. I am so relieved, although a little bit tentative. You have apologized to me in the past for crappy moments, and then things have lapsed back, and you have pushed, no SHOVED me away. I know this is a pattern for you. You have admitted that it freaks you out to have your friends close. I'm not the type of friend who does friendship from a distance. You know this. When you said, a week or so ago, that you are looking at the people in your life, and who you are giving to without receiving, and who is really giving to you, and how you value those people, it kind of slid by me.  I didn't see the significance when you said it. You say things with great significance so casually, because, of course, you are not one to talk about feelings. I still am not one hundred percent sure that's what you said, even though I was there. But I'm pretty sure that was recognition that I'm a good friend, that I've always been a good friend, and that you have finally really remembered and realized that and realized that the person you've been TREATING like a good friend, to the detriment of our friendship, in front of me while treating me like I'm nothing, is actually kind of a crappy friend to you. I tried saying things about it to you, but that got interpreted as jealousy. I think your eyes are finally being opened to the full reality of who she is, but I'm still not feeling like I can tell you the things I've seen and heard from the very beginning and trust that you will see them as marks of my honesty and insight, instead of as signs that I'm jealous. Because you like that word. To you anyone who is saying things you don't like about someone seems to be jealous. And I'm not saying I am never jealous, but I'm not an immensely jealous person.

I really hope you continue to be so centered. It is a little eye-opening to me to realize how surprised I am every time you treat me like it's important that I'm at your house, or present in whatever social setting. This is how you used to treat me. This is what I was talking about when I tried to tell you how much differently you were treating me, and you called me jealous. I was not crazy. And now you seem to have remembered. I seem to be important to you again. I'm scared to relax.

Do you realize how guarded I am with you now? I was so open, and then you rejected me, and pushed me away. Several times. I can't look you in the eye and trust you when you say that you are glad I am there. Because I have in the past, and then the next week you're irritated that I want to be included in your life. I can't let my love for you show in my eyes, because in the past that has resulted in being judged for caring too much. I can't hug you like I want to hug you, because that was Too Much in the past too. In short, I can't be the friend I want to be with you. I'm afraid that if I relax and do that again, it will put me back where we've been several times now. It will put me back in the space where I live when you push me away. Where you are so concerned about how I am Too Close you can't see past your nose to think about how I am feeling, or why *I* am struggling, or how YOU can help ME.

I think you are trying to make sure you are giving as well as receiving now. I hope you can sustain it. Because I don't want to give up on this friendship. But I also know that at some point, to let you continue to push me away and pull me back is not necessarily healthy for me. And I really love you and value you as a dear friend. I don't ever want to have to walk away from our friendship.

Love,
Sadgirl

Apparently Love is Scary

So... haven't dated in a while. Not since Red. Am now dating. Boyfriend has already declared he is In Love. Which is super sweet and makes me swoon a little. The part where I panic is when he wants me to say it back. I don't think I could call what I am feeling love. I do like him. I miss him sometimes. I'm attracted to him for sure. But Love freaks me out, apparently. Like, way more than I realized. It's not scary in friendship, or for family. But for the boyfriend? Love? So scary. And it's really starting to bother him. But the more he pushes, the more freaked out I get and the more I feel like I may never feel it, for him, or for anyone. Really need to go get me some more counseling. Or I'm going to be a little bitter hermit woman soon and for the rest of my life.

My Secret

My secret is that I sometimes think how easy it would be to drive off a bridge. Don't worry, I don't really want to do it. But when they talk about suicide, they always say you should ask the person confessing the desire if they have a plan.Weird that I am one step closer than I have ever been before to having a plan.




My secret changes every time I do this. I wonder what it will be next time...

Changing as You Grow Older

I have known women who have said that they have grown more emotional with motherhood. I'm beginning to think that maybe part of it is just being a woman. Period. And having hormones. And having them change, even slightly.

I hate crying. I hate crying in front of people. And yet, I am now known as a weeper at work. This is not a good thing. This is not respected, tolerated, or looked upon as okay in my current work culture. Plus, I don't like crying in front of people and showing that weakness.

Why does my body feel the urge to showcase those emotions? Why can't I just be all unapproachable, or something more respected. Grr. Must figure out how to stop crying. I think it might start with not caring. I need to care less. That sounds like work.

Hello, Good Day!

I feel healthy today. Everything isn't perfect. There are things I wish were different. I wish a few people were relating with me differently than they are choosing to. I am stressed or nervous about a few things. I'm irritated about a few things at work, and a few things personally. But I'm content all the same. I love meds that work. I think they are making people want to be around me more. Also, the anti-anxiety meds have helped me to feel more sane and get through some things. I have the kind you take at the point of anxiety, and that you shouldn't use every day. They have helped keep me pinned down in reality and rational a few times. I find that having experienced a few stressful situations in that state makes me more able to conceive of dealing with similar circumstances in the future. That gives me hope.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like every day from now on will be like this. But I feel like I'm okay today. And every once in a while I need to stop and recognize these days and document them to prove to myself that they do exist.