And Down We Dip

Just when I think I'm feeling all healthy and junk and things are ok in my life, something happens that sucks and I'm a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Ugh. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of being hurt by everything. I feel like everything hurts me. It could be that there are just a lot of hurtful things around me right now. Or it could be that I am a pansy. I can't decide which. I would like to stand up for myself to people who think it's the former, but I sometimes am a traitor to me and think it might be the latter. But then I think, I'm always hard on myself, maybe this is where I need to cut myself a break.

And then I think, maybe I'm that annoying person who says "why does this always happen to me," who you just stare at, and think, um, it didn't happen to you, you created this mess you are sitting in the middle of, and the pain is coming because you refuse to see your part in it and try to resolve it. 

And then I just want to give up. Because I try to not be crazy, and to be healthy and junk, and to love my life, and my friends, and just appreciate it all. But I end up crying, and it's exhausting. And I can't seem to do it right. So I would really like to become a hermit now and live in a cabin on a mountain with grocery delivery and wifi and really good cable for the rest of my life. Is that too much to ask?