What Does Support Feel Like

So The Roommate has got her own batch of issues, and she projects the issues she has with her family onto me, and I feel like she is always judging me. One of the things she does is to never be the one to initiate contact. She can walk into the apartment and literally ignore me until I initiate a conversation. Take tonight. She walks in, my door is open, I'm laying down walking TV, and she gets home and goes in the kitchen, munches on her stuff, and never comes over to my door to say hi. It is ALWAYS my job to greet her first. I know some people aren't friends with their roommates, but she was my roommate second. She's been my friend since about 15. And I've told her how depressed I am. I think she thinks she's being empathetic, but subconsciously she seems to judge me and avoid me like I have a disease. Where's my nurturing? Why won't she ask how I am?

Sad.

Today I am sad. Usually when I'm sad it's triggered by something, but today, I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn't feel well last night. I was nauseous, and I thought I was going to throw up. I've been feeling just a teeny bit gross all week. This morning, because the nausea kept me up last night, I was tired, and ooky feeling, and I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. I called in sick. And I slept pretty much all the day. And I want to sleep more now. But I"m not tired. I think I could talk myself into thinking I'm tired. But I would wake up at 2am and not be able to sleep and feel more crappy from the excess in sleep.

I'm very rambley today. I don't think my state of sadness is helped by watching Grey's. Poor George.

It's been a while since I've logged into this blog, and I couldn't remember the address. So I did a search, and I ran across a Sad Girl blog, with no entries. And the profile said one word. Dead. Sad. I hope sadgirl is not really dead.

I was thinking just the other day that I was feeling good, and that I should blog. Because even though this blog is kind of about my depression, it should include the good days. Because there are a lot of good days. But the only days I feel like I have anything to say are the crappy days.

I've been a little big sad all week. Today was kind of the culmination of it. I thought it was because I was being all girly and hormoney. Which I was. But that part should be subsiding for the month, if ya know what I mean. Nothing specific has been coming to mind today, or this week, when I try to figure out where the sad is coming from. So I thought it was just hormones. But then, just now, blogging, I was trying to think what in my life was sad right now. My brain was going to that, what do you have to be sad about right now place. That, you ungrateful snot stop wallowing place. And then I realized that my best friend is leaving. Not that I didn't know that. But he's not gone yet, so I've been avoiding it. My best friend, who also happens to be the man I am in love with who broke my freaking heart, is leaving. He knows I don't want him to. He's going because he needs a job, which I have to support. Supposedly he's coming back to go to school in a year. But he's always changing his mind. Also he does idiotic risky things. And I think he's an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is. So what if he doesn't come back? One of these days he won't come back. I think between the alcoholism, and the chain smoking, and the stupid risks, he's trying to kill himself. But not in a direct way, because he thinks that is cowardly. But somehow if he goes big, it's manly. And that's stupid. And if I weren't so sad, I would be mad at him. But that's for another day.

Blank Mind

Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.

I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.

Feel the Alone-ness

Anxiety seems to be the watchword this week. I am freaking out today, because I have been sending texts to people with little response. Mostly because my phone sucks, I'm sure, but it's hard to tell. Add to that the fact that the last time I saw my good friend he was stressing out and snapped at me right before I left, and that I left a voice mail yesterday and he didn't call me back. So is this supposed to be a hint, or did he not get my texts today? Am I being that obnoxious girl? Is he even aware I tried to contact him today? And why is friend who is visiting so quiet? The worrying goes on and on, and it's driving me crazy.

Around and Around and Back and Forth (Like a Yo-Yo but Less Fun)

So this weekend I'm full of anxiety. I figure if I can identify which symptom is making me behave like a crazy person, then I can stop the crazy thought pattern in my head before it drives me 'round the bend. I had friends cancel coming into town because of money problems, but I'm convinced that they really cancelled because they were hurt when other people weren't available so they decided it would not be worth it and are just making excuses. Even though I am available. Which makes me think that they are really forgetting me, just like I knew they would when they moved. Then I tell myself that if they are short on money then I should not be mad at them. Then I tell myself that they just don't love me like they used to. And the circular thoughts go on and on.

Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?

Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.

Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.

Am I the Only One*

Did anyone else grow up in a house where you could ask each other to do things for you, like get you a glass of water when they were already up and you were weight down with things on your lap in the middle of a project? Because apparently my roommate finds this the height of rudeness. Funny since her snotty refusal to do it is incredibly rude to me. I bring her things all the time.

I just had to get that off my chest.

*The title totally makes me want to listen to that Melissa Etheridge song.

Worry Worry Worry

I'm noticing a pattern here. A pattern where a few of my friends, who happen to live with each other, are never online anymore. Actually, they are online. They just have their chat programs set to show them as offline. How do I know this? Because one of them has told me in the past that he does this to dodge certain people. Only now it appears that he is dodging me. When I ask about it, there are all kinds of excuses. The thing is, he's always on the computer. It's his life. So saying he never touches it is laughable.

They're leaving me. Why do my friends always leave me?

Grrrrr.

So today Crabby seems to be the watchword. I spent most of the day being fairly lazy. I feel as though I accomplished something simply because I tidied my room a little, showered, read my book for a while, talked to a fellow depressed friend, and went on a short grocery shopping excursion. In retrospect I wish I had been a little more lazy and not gone shopping. Because apparently I hate everyone today. I had not realized that until that point, having seen no people today. I did know that I had an annoying sinus headache. I think it was somehow affecting the part of the brain that holds patience. I had none. The clerks were lazy and rude (not totally my illogical rage talking there, I witnessed them ignoring and patronizing other customers), everyone was in my way on the roads, and I had to go to four stores to find the printer cartridge to make my printer work. The result is that although I am cheery at the moment, I'm pretty sure if there were people around I would be biting off their heads. I'm fairly certain that this is partially due to my impending "time of the month" (sorry if that's too much info, imaginary reader), which seems to amplify the anger part of my symptoms. I even annoy myself with all the drama in my thoughts that anger seems to bring. Ugh. Now I might just start snapping at myself.

Couldn't Have Said it Better.

I subscribe to a few blog feeds at psychcentral.com, and I read one today in which she mentions those annoying people who try to tell you to buck up when you say you are depressed, or "conversations with people who think mental illnesses are like mermaids–not real–and that absolutely every health condition can be fixed with the right thoughts plus a little acupuncture."

Yes! Excactly! If only I had a mermaid. Nope, just apathy, crappy sleep patterns, lots and lots of sadness and anger, and a nice big helping of anxiety. Plus some other symptoms that elude my mind... oh, yeah, like poor concentration.

I love my bed.

It's 5:21 p.m., and I still have not gotten out of my bed. I am sitting up, which is progress. I've checked my email, looked at some job postings, and watched Dr. Phil and Oprah. I'm really going to have to make a run for the bathroom soon. Somehow I don't htink this is going to help me correct my sleeping schedule. I have tried staying up all night, taking a short nap in the afternoon, and then going to bed at a semi-reasonable hour twice now. But I can't quite bring myself to get up. My bed is warm and comfy, and sleep is stress-free, once I get there. Plus sometimes I have nice dreams that I actually remember when I sleep too long.

Is a Little Empathy Too Much to Ask For?

Today I am lamenting over friends who just don't understand. If you're clinically depressed, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the friends who think you are lazy, that you need to buck up. Those friends who, regardless of how many times you have explained the many symptoms of depression, think it's just about being sad.

Yes, there is sadness. There is also anger, anxiety, lack of concentration, too much sleep, too little sleep, too much hunger, too little hunger.... but it's not just sloth and gluttony. Yes, I still have my free will. But the problem is, when I wake up in the morning (or afternoon, or evening), I don't want to be conscious. It hurts. I'm not necessarily talking body aches and pains, although it seems like sometimes I do wake up with a headache or general physical ickiness that makes me want to retreat back into my dreams. I'm talking about an all-consuming sorrow. It's as if I've woken up to realize that my best friend has died. Fortunately this is not the case. But it's that magnitude of grief on the bad days, and I don't always know why. And yes, sometimes when I get up, and pass that threshold of pain upon first waking, I realize there is no real source of the sadness. Sometimes I do buck up, and feel better, and thank the heavens for the beautiful day. But sometimes I just wish, all day long, that I hadn't listened to the voice of reason that told me I should get up.

Sometimes anxiety consumes me, and I spend the whole day chasing my thoughts about a stressful situation around and around in my head. It's not the useful sort of thinking, where I contemplate solutions, and rational decisions are made. It's the kind of thinking that slowly deteriorates into totally irrational thoughts. At the beginning of the day, I might be thinking about how my best friend has not been online this month, and the fact that he sometimes marks himself as showing offline to get work done. By the end of the day, I've convinced myself that he has marked himself offline to avoid me, and that something I said at some point offended me. I've convinced myself that he doesn't really like me at all, and just puts up with me for his wife's sake. I've convinced myself that I should have seen this last year, and I start to see patterns in his behavior. And the hard thing is, because I seem to be less observant when I am my most depressed, I might have in reality have offended him and not noticed it. So I tell myself this is anxiety, and that I am being irrational, and I talk to this friend, and he assures me it is not personal. But I don't believe him. Because I've seen a pattern. And I have a tendency to expect the worst. Because why would anyone want to be friends with me? I bug the crap out of myself.

This is the week I've had. I have a close friend who refuses to help me wake up for church, which I keep sleeping through, and which is important to me. She seems to think that the fact that I sleep through it is an indicator that I am not as devoted to my faith as she is. She seems to think that I am choosing not to go to church because sleep is more important. In reality, my sleep schedule is so messed up I don't know where to start to fix it. I'm not working right now, so a bedtime is a little silly. There is nothing to wake up for the next day. Even when I try to correct my schedule, my thoughts race and my hearts race and my muscles ache. I cannot sleep when I want to. When I do manage to relax and go to sleep, I sleep for far too long, and I fight wakefulness, for the reasons described above. So when Sunday rolls around, it is doubly hard to rouse myself at the right time, and get myself to church. And when I do succeed in attending, all of the people annoy me, and all the happiness makes me want to wretch. In my rational mind, I see that they are, for the most part, not annoying. And that I am incredibly angry. And that no one understands, which makes me hate them more.

So, dear friend, I say to you here, where you will never read: educate yourself. If you have a depressed friend, it might be me. And I am telling you, your inability to show compassion makes me feel that much more freakish. Learn about the symptoms, maybe watch a movie or two, and try to put yourself in my shoes. I already am disgusted enough with myself. I don't need your judgement.

Yay for Meds!

This week I'm feeling the effects of my new medication. I'm productive at work, I have a sudden optimism that life won't suck forever, and I like people- at least some people. This is a step in the right direction.

Of course, the fact that I am blogging at almost four in the morning when I have to be up and ready to work at 10am is not a good sign. Bad girl. This is a new trend. I don't usually stay up past two. And I still love me some sleep, which makes the mornings especially difficult.

Today's Trip on the Anxiety Train

Often depressed people deal with anxiety. I'm the lucky winner of a good shot of anxiety from time to time. Today I had a fun little anxiety attack quickly followed by a strong dose of Ijustwanttogotosleepitis.

It took me a while to realize what exactly had happened. My anxiety attacks sometimes feel like they are just me being really emotional and weak like I always am (a thought that also seems to come from the depression), and I don't always realize what they are. Usually I don't realize what it is until I calm down. So I had this anxiety attack because I got in a fight with my best friend. My best friend who used to be my boyfriend. But that's a story for another time.

Anyways, this fight caused me to flash back to a best friend from the past, who rather abruptly relieved me of the best friend status. We had the type of friendship where we talked about growing old together and living next to each other and all that goofy stuff girls plan together. And every once in a while, when I get in a fight with my best friend, I have what he assures me is an anxiety attack spurred by what he assures me is my irrational fear that he, too, will suddenly uproot himself from my life, leaving a big dark ugly void and the opportunity to go spiraling deeper into depression. Today was one of those days. I'm still not completely convinced it's an irrational fear, considering how easily and almost gleefully (and sometimes cruelly) he can argue with me.

I literally found myself feeling ill. One minute I was pretty darn irritated with him for being a big fat jerk, and the next moment I was panicking. I was thinking, what if he NEVER answer the phone when I call? What if he doesn't answer those two texts I just sent? What if he really is done spending time with me? What if he moves and I never see him again (he doesn't tend to stay in one state for too long, so that is not as irrational as it sounds)? What if he dumps me like he's dumped other friends? What if his tendency not to consider my feelings is a symptom of a failing friendship? And the thoughts went on and on... It's like I have a little anxious hampster running on an anxiety wheel in my head. A very squeeky wheel that just. doesn't. stop.

Finally that subsided and I was left feeling ready to puke at the thought of food (minutes before I had been STARVING, another possible symptom of my depression- more on eating my feelings in further posts). And then there was just the overwhelming weight that seemed to pin me where I was laying in the living room. I had lost the will to do ANYTHING further today. All I could think to do was lay there. The thoughts had finally thought and I just wanted sleep, or mindless tv, or something that didn't require me to do anything but sit there. This was further complicated by my roommate that I was hiding this fight from, because she seems to hate Best Friend and I cannot deal with drama. It stresses me out and could easily lead to more anxiety attacks, and I just don't have the strength for that. So I was exhausted and using what little interest I had in doing anything, what with the apathy and all, to focus my energy on maintaining a fairly calm facade. Cover story, as usual: I don't feel good. Not even a lie. I feel like crap. Just not saying why. If she asks why, I can even describe how I feel physically: I feel nauseous and wiped out.

I do generally recover from those moods. Today, fortunatly, he finally did call me back, to pick another fight. The amount of entertainment he seemed to be deriving from the fight indicates to me that he was more enjoying the fight than taking it to heart. So I know he won't disappear suddenly. At least in my brain I know that. In some part of my heart, be it the depressed part or the girl part, I'm a little convinced that this could be the time that he drops our friendship like a plate of waffles with a cockroach on it. This could be the time he leaves me too.

Might be time for some counseling.

Because I must let the anger out. And stuff.

I'm depressed. I know you would never guess that from the title of this blog. But I am. So here I am, sharing all my rage and sadness with you. Aren't you lucky?