The Day After

I feel much more balanced and healthy and less weepy and desperate today. Love me a healthy day. Coolgirl took some time to talk with me this morning. I really appreciate when she identifies that I need a good talk. She emphasized with me that with both Red and Roomie that they are not really friends to me. They are not kind, they do not treat me well, they are not concerned about my feelings. They don't lift me up, they press me down. She made some good points.

I finally feel good and ready to talk to Roomie about not being roommates. Of course, she has not yet come home, or if she has, she snuck in. And maybe she's gearing up for the same talk. I would be a little surprised, but you never know. I am okay with telling her that I can't be her roommate anymore, though. I can't be happy living here, and it will not help preserve whatever is left of our friendship. It only causes me anxiety and stress to interact with her lately. Her passive aggressive way of communicating (or not communicating) makes it impossible for me to make any headway when I try to be her friend or resolve conflicts. I feel yucky when we interact now. I shouldn't feel yucky every time I talk to a friend. I also shouldn't feel like I am on a leash in my own home. I'm afraid to touch anything or say anything because she seems to become irritated with me no matter what I do (or don't do). I can't be in the position where I feel I have to live by her seemingly compulsive rules. She can maintain order for herself that way, but it only creates anxiety, not peace, for me. It will only continue to be miserable for both of us.

I'm a little frustrated that Coolgirl doesn't seem to see what I had always thought of as some of my greatest strengths (and other people had also identified as strengths). Specifically, my hesitance to let go of people I love. I have always considered myself very loyal, and others have pointed out that quality in me. Coolgirl seems to see it more as a weakness, where I put up with crap for too long. I do see that there is that other side of the coin. But if my loyalty is really a weakness, a manifestation of my Care taking tendencies, if you will, then what ARE my strengths? She has said in the past that it doesn't matter what she thinks. Of course it does. Of course I want my friends to see positive things in me. And it would be nice if they would tell me what they are. Because I'm at a loss a little here.

Meltdown

Today was the Great Melt Down. I've been waiting for it to happen. Thought the worrying and slightly ooky feeling was the worst of it. But, no. The worst of it came while I was standing in my office. I had already gotten through one emotional moment, where my emotional-ness was nicely covered by crankiness. I took a step back, realized I was about to rip some poor unsuspecting person's head off, and went and found a quiet place to say a little prayer, asking God to help me find perspective and not take my issues out on the lovely people I work with, and for me to not misdirect my hurt feelings towards them because it made me feel worse. So having redirected my feelings, I proceeded to melt down. And had to go hide again. Okay, didn't HAVE to, but chose to because I don't like to cry in front of people, and how mortifying to melt down at work. Also Coolgirl said something a while ago about how she didn't believe that I don't cry often, which mortified me. So now I have the urge to hide my tears from her whenever possible because she doesn't seem to appreciate me randomly starting to cry in her office. Plus I haven't cried as much lately, having sent the boundaries letter and taken care of that stuff. But I think this is the next wave.

This is the part where I have to really start realizing in a more real way that Red is fine with not seeing me. That I am not a priority. That his expressions of love were often, if not always, tools to get what he wanted. I have to acknowledge that he is okay with me hurting, and doesn't really have room in his head for thinking about any one's feelings but his own. I have to continually remind myself that I was not a good friend for taking care of him. And if that is true, doesn't that mean that I'm a bad friend? But not being the friend I have been for him feels like abandonment. Only somehow I"m still the one getting abandoned. Because I am not worth what I thought I was to him.

To coincide with all this loveliness Roomie is still not really speaking to me. I have Hurt her. She is a Victim. I am a Bad Friend. I'm still slightly irritated with her for making herself the Victim in all this instead of actually trying to communicate and feed our friendship and help it grow. But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm also feeling like a horrible friend. For being self-centered enough to back away from her because her codependency issues and her passive-aggressiveness were only hurting me. But I feel like I should have been a better friend. I should have told her. I should have had the guts to tell her that she was hurting me. Even though she wouldn't have heard it. Even though it would have just been another fight. Even though I have tried to in the past. I feel like I'm doing to her what my old BFF did to me. I'm abandoning her. I will say something, of course, and I don't want to end the friendship. But that is how she will view it.

I'm a bad friend. I'm losing friends left and right. I found myself having to stop myself from freaking out on Coolgirl today over every small perceived slight I have ever imagined. Then, having stopped myself, I sat crying silently in her office and not letting her in. I feel like she can only be getting incredibly tired of me and my waterworks. She has to be finally realizing how annoying I can be. This is the part where she will set boundaries to keep from getting too close to my drama. That can be the only explanation for her allowing me in her office but not engaging in discussing my feelings. These are the thoughts in my head. Coolgirl would quite possibly lose patience with me for them and point out the huge flaws in this path of thought. But it was all I could think today, and it felt too pathetic to voice it so she could help me see my erroneous thought pattern. I don't want her to think I'm pathetic. I think she already does. She has no patience for the way I hold onto Red and Roomy, and the guilt and self-flagellation. I feel like I need to address how I'm feeling. I just have a hard time finding the line between self-abuse and feeling your feelings.

My close friend who gave me the Codependent No More book is texting me and giving me all kinds of healthy thoughts. Like that I am not rejecting my friends, just their unhealthy behavior, and that I am not saying I won't be their friend, just that I can't subject myself to their toxicness.

:(

Red came and went, and doesn't seem bothered he didn't see me while in town. This from the guy that called me his best friend. Guess that was attached to conditions. Like borrowing money and crashing at my place. I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not. Mostly. Just sad. Hoping reality would not be what it was, adn that everyone, including myself, would be wrong. I love the idiot. And I don't feel like I can even say that anymore, because of the whole holding boundaries and not trying to caretake and all that junk.... Being healthy is lame.

The Part Where I want to Squish His Head

So my friend the alcoholic... I'm going to call him Red so I can stop calling him The Alcoholic. Anyways, Red just about drove me over the edge today. He's in town. Haven't seen him yet and it's been about a week. I know he is doing this purposely on some level, because in the past I've been the friend that freaks out if I don't hear from him right away, and if he spends times with others and puts me lower on the priority list. I know, crazy. I've finally simmered down. Haven't freaked out. However, he called me today, as I was nearing my destination on a road trip, about 4 hours from home. And he says he's leaving on Friday and can we get together tomorrow. Um, no. I'm far away. And you've had a week. And somehow it's my fault for not telling him that I would be out of town. Even though he didn't make it sound like he was on any kind of schedule. And he hadn't called, and I can't call him because he didn't have a cell phone. And I've asked several times what the plan is. But it's my fault for being unavailable. And then I see a message he left me on facebook (I was without computer last night) saying that he could come crash at my place and look at paring down his stuff then. Um, no, you can't. So either he hasn't read my letter, in which I very clearly stated that I cannot have him stay at my place anymore, or he's testing his limits. Also I've told him several times that I want ALL his stuff gone. I have one friend telling me that I should just throw it away. I don't want to have to be that person. Ugh. He makes me want to scream. And it hurts that he doesn't seem to care that he's not going to see me. I'm not sure if he's mad at me and deliberately punishing me, or if it's a little bit deeper and he hasn't identified that he is punishing me. But I'm pretty sure he's punishing me. And I was doing so well, but he drove it home today. Add on top of that the fact that I had a little blowup with The Roommate that involved me being self-centered and her being the victim (as usual) and I am a little agitated right now. I'm trying to be all healthy, because both relationships are not so healthy, and I am trying not to get sucked into the unhealthiness. But I definitely still have my inner harsh voice that is harder on me than any friend could ever be. And it is saying that I am a bad friend. I should have emailed him my itinerary last week. I should have sat down with the Roommate before the road trip and talked about how I've hurt her and how we can fix it. Neither of those things would really have solved anything, but I should have done those things. And the fact that I am human and that I mess up cannot relinquish me from my guilt. The Roommate doesn't accept that thoughtlessness can be forgiven, and obviously she has a valid point. Right?

Ack.

Pukey Feelings

The alcoholic friend sent me a message confirming that he did, indeed check his email. I had sent him a one line message on facebook telling him to check it, because I know he has been checking facebook, but I am not certain he's been checking his email. I didn't want to send such a lengthy message to his facebook inbox. So he essentially said he checked his email, didn't elude to what I said, and then commenced telling me what job he had lined up for the next few weeks and said talk to you later. Words like denial, manipulation, and scrambling for control come to mind. And I am all shook up. So I guess his mission was accomplished if that was his goal. Why did I have to check that message at 11:30 at night? I want to talk to someone but I don't want to wake someone up/ interrupt their happy Friday night. My counselor says that's me having control issues and that I should let my friends make the choice whether they have time to support me. We texted. I want to go lay on someone's couch and cry.