Misery

Today I feel pretty miserable. My friend got engaged. She texted my other friend to tell her, but not me. I found out in a really off-hand way. It was not a great start to my day. I need to learn to let these tings go. I feel so wounded. And sad. I love her, but she doesn't seem to feel that I am very important. She's always doing this. She told me a while ago she was reprioritizing, and led me to believe she had realized she needed to value me more. Now I'm thinking maybe not. Or maybe it was just a day. I don't know.

Crazycakes.

I feel absolutely raw inside. It has been one of the most emotional, tumultuous, horrible, agonizing weeks in my life in some ways. And much of this has centered around work, which seems a little crazy to me. I should not have been taken to such depths over work. The thing about my work is, I feel very passionately about it. I feel passionately about what I do, and the people I do it for. So it would make sense that I would have very strong emotions. But crying in meetings? In front of my boss? In front of my boss's boss, and her boss? What am I, twelve?

The sheer emotion, humiliation, agony, pain, feeling of dismissal and inadequacy... I can't even describe how ripped up I feel inside emotionally. I am exhausted. I feel so beaten down.

Add onto that the conversation I had to have with boyfriend about how he should plan time into his week to spend with me, not just to go to the gym, and do all his other things on his to-do list. Feeling really valued here. If I have to remind him he should want to spend time with me, what are we doing? It's only been 3 months... I hear this is a bad sign.

With all this rawness and this emotionalness I feel so crazy, and I think, why WOULD he want to spend time with me? I'm crazycakes! I get emotional over everything. Everything seems to be the end of the world. He told me tonight that I am just really tender. I'm like a very ripe peach whose skin is about to burst. How can he make crazy sound so beautiful. And can he really believe that? Because everything seems to be a crisis in my life right now. What is wrong with me???

Angry Girl

One of the symptoms of depression that most surprised me when I connected it is anger. It's one of my major symptoms. When I'm not medicated correctly and deeply depressed, yes, I cry a lot. But I also get angry quickly and over stupid things. I found myself snapping at my poor dad the summer before I was diagnosed if he entered the room wrong. And don't ask me what wrong was. I'm still not sure.

Even with my meds at a much more effective dose than they've been at in forever, I still feel sometimes my symptoms can be the worst they've ever been. Today it's anger. Or this week, I should say. There's been some sucky things happening in my life. Also, my friends are not perfect. Neither of these facts should mean intense anger that festers. Yet, I've been feeling very angry and hurt and crabby for the last four or five days. I think PMS might be an element, too, which is just one of the joys of being a girl, but even more so a joy when you are a girl with depression. Yay, hormones!

So today I had some anger towards someone that I sometimes consider a friend, and sometimes think I should not count as a friend, because she doesn't seem to count me as one. When I get angry the way I was today, I hold onto it, even though I know I shouldn't. Even when I am thinking I want to move past it. It seems to latch onto me and not let my thoughts go elsewhere. I find my thoughts spiraling around the anger, and it grows larger in my mind. The injustices towards me become immense. In short, I'm stupid.

I need to figure out how to remove myself from that place. I did end up finally letting go, because something happened that forced my attention elsewhere. And now I remind myself what I've tried to tell myself, but that I only seem to remember and identify in calmer moments. And that is, I shouldn't let this be such a big thing. I can choose to not let her have this power over me. I don't have to be angry. After all, what is the point? I could focus on other things and be happy and calm, and not ruin a day or a week or a life over the thoughtless things she does, or over worrying about what she thinks of me. I don't have to let any of it consume me. Now, how to convince irrational me of this. She doesn't listen very well...