Moving Towards Not Caring

I think the direction I am moving in is either healthy, or really not healthy. I really should figure out which one. I've  been having a really rough time with a friend, and wanting their attention, and stressing about the relationship, and not liking her interactions with other friends, and feeling left out. Fixating is one word that comes to mind. It's an ugly word, and I don't like it, but my mind was not letting go of my yucky feelings. So I've decided that I need to stop fixating. This was a great epiphany for me. And harder than it sounds, which you might understand if you have ever had a friend seemingly start growing away from you. Your urge (or at least mine) is to try to pull them nearer, and fix it. I've tried that. It wasn't working. she gets all independent and wants space and all that crap. I totally don't get that because I tend to let my friends draw me near when they need me. But for my own self-preservation I'm not engaging as much with her or the people around us socially. I can feel myself doing that whole guarding my heart thing a little. This is something I have not done in the past with this friend, because I am all about trust and openness with my friends. But that was not working. Continual pain tells me that something about the way that I am handling this friendship is not working. So, I do the whole putting up walls thing. I don't like to do this with friends. But it feels like the most healthy thing I can do right now.

She knows something is up. She knows I have things on my mind, and she knows I am all stressed out. She's the whole, whatever, you don't have to talk to me, I'll give you space, kind of friend. Which is nice of her. I wish it was a little more important to her to know what was going on with me and be all supportive, but that's not her style, and this is not about getting her attention. And she has asked me what's going on several times. She's shown genuine concern. I think she believes she knows a lot of what is going on in my head. She maybe knows 50%. It's more complicated than just being about this friendship. I really can't talk about it with her. I don't know what I would say. I don't think talking to her about it would help me. I still wish I could. I want to be able to tell her. I want someone close to me, supporting me. But this is one of those stupid, work through it yourself, kind of things. I'm tired of doing things on my own.

One odd side effect. Several times the last few weeks I've gotten so sick to my stomach over the stress of it all that I've wanted to puke. And so I have. I made myself puke tonight. My tummy feels so much better now. I think this is not healthy. I think I will not be telling anyone about this. I really should stop doing that.

It should bother her that I"m putting up walls. I don't think she's noticed yet. Ugh. It sounds like I'm doing this to get her attention. I'm not. But I'm not going to lie, I wish it would get her attention nonetheless. At least a little.

When Will It Get Better?

I've been trying so hard to get out of this pit-like place I am in. I've tried all kinds of vitamins, I'm talking with my doctor, I'm trying to make plans and I'm trying to stop all the negative thought. I am on the hunt for a new therapist. Okay, I haven't been exercising overmuch. I've been trying to make myself get outside and get sunshine. I've tried that whole be optimistic about your day, think positive thing. It's exhausting. I am failing. I am just so sad. I recognize I have no good reason, but the feeling just weighs me down. Sad, and/or anxious. I'm tired of it. I've prayed for relief and gotten small snippets. I've had moments of clarity where I've felt balanced and believed my life was not so bad. Those moments will not stay. My friends are all too far away or too busy. Everyone has their own lives and they can only give me so much. I try not to be crazy about demanding from them.

I feel gross. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I've tried giving myself mental health days and it's not working. I still don't want to be at work. I have never been so unproductive and cared so little before at this job. I'm going to care when it all comes crashing down.

Make it stop.

The Point of Me?

The good news is I am feeling better than last week. I've found a place of semi-calm. I still am not sure of... well, of anything. I don't know what I'm doing or who I'm trying to be right anymore. I seem to have no vision for myself. I do my best at work, but I seem to be going nowhere and no one seems to see me going anywhere. That's not to say that I don't do a good job, or that my boss is not happy with me. I just  think she doesn't see me as ever being anything more than what I am now. And I'm not sure she really sees all of what I am now. It's hard to go into detail about how I'm feeling on this one without going into detail of what my job is and the why's and the how's, but that's not something I want to do on this blog. I think I bought all the things adults would tell me as a teenager and young adult about how talented and good I was, and how I had a bright future. And now people have stopped saying that. And my friends and my coworkers are continuously telling me ways I could be doing better, and how I'm selling myself short when I actually thought I was trying pretty darn  hard. So if you are working hard and getting things done and no one sees those things, does that maybe just mean that you're only mediocre in talent, and that's why they aren't seeing it? I know what I would say to someone who says things like this. But this is how I am feeling, and what I am thinking, and this blog is a place where I can be honest about the ugly, self-loathing thoughts I have. That way, maybe if I let them out and let them breathe and take a look at them, they will look silly. That's the hope. Right now I just feel like they might be true. Maybe I will never be anything more than I am in my career because I don't have that remarkable something. My boss doesn't seem to see it in me. My coworker that I swear used to see it in me, doesn't seem to anymore. So I ask again, what is the point of me?

Killing the Anxiety

This icky feeling is getting really, really old. I'm tired of it. I am hoping I am on my way out of it. Sometimes I think I'm coming up out of it, and then I wake up with it again, or I sit and relax and my brain starts going and I find myself back in an anxious state. So annoying.

I have a friend who has a very dry sense of humor who jokes about being "dead inside" when she's feeling down. I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately. I kind of miss the times I have felt "dead inside." It used to be weird and concerning to me when I would go through periods where I was the opposite of emotional. I would not be able to remember the last time I had cried. I would not freak out about things that I knew I would "normally" be upset about. It would really trouble me.

I miss that. I would like to be dead inside. I'm ready to go back to that. How do I get back there?

Worn Down with Worry and Yuckiness

You know that icky, anxious, worrying feeling you can have when something is really not going right in your life? I have that right now. It started with my PMS. I sunk down into an icky place, and I allowed myself to isolate and basically hide in my room the majority of the three day weekend. I did still go to church for a few minutes, and I had dinner with my parents one night, so I give myself points for that. 

The annoying thing is that this bout of anxiousness is not exactly about something specific in my life I feel like I can fix. It's not really about a situation, it's more just about who I am. It's accompanied by a large dose of self-loathing, too, which is fun. Maybe it kind of goes back to my feelings about the fallout from setting boundaries with Red. It was his birthday this week. I haven't talked to him since October last year, when he told me repeatedly via text to F off. That was the last I heard from him. That hostility was his reaction to a letter I wrote saying that I couldn't allow him to treat me the way he had been treating me anymore, and telling me what I needed. It was much more firm than I've ever been. But it was necessary. And he could not forgive me for it. 

So this week was his birthday. And if there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I define being a good friend by the things I do to show support and loyalty, and showing love in many ways, including on their birthday, because they are important and I remember those dates. And I did not text, call, email, or message him on his birthday. I don't know where he is, or what he is doing. I'm pretty sure he's still alive. Intellectually I know this is the healthier choice for me--to not reach out to him. If we were still in contact he would still guilt me, do things to offend and degrade me in passive aggressive ways, and make me cry. Also if I knew the things that he was allowing to go badly in his life I would want to fix it all for him. This is not healthy for me. Our relationship would not be healthy at all. I know this. But I feel, at a very deep place in my heart, like a horrible friend. And like I don't know the point of me. 

I've cut the friends out of my life who I really felt like needed me. The ones I have now don't really need me. Sometimes they are in need, and i can help fill a need. But they don't really need me. They can go weeks without really talking to me or seeing me and be fine. They have stuff going on in their lives. They have partners and kids and hobbies and social circles all outside of me. And I have nothing. 

I do have friends. And I have family. I have people I care about who care about me. I have opportunities for beautiful moments. When I feel like making effort, I have people to make plans with, and things to fill my time with. But I feel like I have no world. I come home to an apartment with no one waiting for me. I don't have a home base with people who love me where I can go whenever I need to just be in a happy little cocoon of love. I mean, I do have places I am welcome. But not all the time. Because they have their lives too, and their home bases are already filled with the people who belong there. 

So I feel like I have no place and no purpose. And I don't understand why I can't have that place and purpose with the people that I love. I feel like they are not allowing that place for me in their lives. 

And this is where the self loathing comes in. I don't feel like my insides are very pretty right now. I feel as awkward and skittish as certain people have observed I seem lately. I annoy myself as much with my anxiousness as I seem to be annoying those who have to be around me daily. I don't want to be around me either. Gifts and talents I thought I had I'm not so certain I have now. No one else seems to see them in me, so maybe if I ever had them I don't now. I have the revolving thought, "what is the point of me?"  Now, I am a religious woman. I have always believed that we are all God's children, that we are special, that we all have gifts and talents and special things about us, and that we have a purpose in life and things we are meant to do and all that stuff. I still do believe that about other people. I look at my friends and see them fulfilling their purpose in so many ways, and I see them flourishing and progressing and touching others for good. While in some ways I can still convince myself that I am touching others for good in at least some ways, I am feeling very much like the great impact I thought I could strive for in life is a joke. The people I thought I could touch for good seem to not need or want my touch. The things I am doing to try to make myself better just seem so pointless when, after all that effort, I spend a whole week in this horrible sucking void of happiness. If I can't even keep perspective and find my happy place in times of despair, how can I progress into a place where I'm a decent person. My friends look at me all sad and try to encourage me to seek relationships to fill my life, but they don't want to spend time with me. They say I am so nice and so sweet and if I just put myself out there I will find someone to love me. I'm at a loss as to why they think this is possible. 

See? Ugly thoughts. I have not really expressed too much of them to my usual confidantes. Coolgirl would tell me I need to get counseling or some other practical thing. Shorty would as well. BFF would just feel really bad and wish she knew how to help me, and then I would feel bad for bringing her down. She would also be mystified and not understand why or how I could be in that place, which would only remind me how much of a mutant I feel like. I know that talking to a counselor is the practical solution that many would suggest for this. Hey, if I were the sounding board to something like this, it would be my suggestion. But I don't feel like sharing these ugly thoughts is going to make them go away, and I don't feel like it's going to fix anything or help lead me out of this dark place. I do think that this is partially a chemical imbalance. It's worse around my menstrual cycle, and exercise helps lift my mood. 

What I think I need to do is exercise fairly religiously, possibly multiple times a day. Darn apathy is not helping me break into that habit. I also think I need to look at the things I'm doing medically. I have already contacted my doctor, and we've discussed some things that I can start doing right away. One of them is birth control, which is thought to help regulate things like cramps and mood if you have PMDD. (Awesome that I can start finding new disorders to label myself with, right?) So we will be trying that. In a very, very small place I feel a spark of hope that there may be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. But I don't want to get my hopes up, and I am also fairly fearful that I'm stuck with this crazy brain for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. 

When I was a teenager there was a lady at church who would sit out on the couch in the lobby during services and cry. I would walk by her sometimes when I was avoiding being in Sunday School. Often there would be another woman comforting her, listening to her, or just being there for her. I always felt bad for her. Somehow, someone told me or mentioned in front of me that she was depressed. I didn't really understand that then. I didn't get that it was a disorder. I wondered what in her life had happened that had made her so sad. I remember thinking that she looked like she was in a lot of pain. I've been thinking recently that I might have turned into that woman. Mind you, I'm much more solitary in my suffering, and I try not to be the woman making a spectacle in the lobby. This might not be the best thing, since she had women trying to help lift her up and I run home from church and hide so that they don't see what a mess I am before I start crying. I have let a few individuals in, and they have been a comfort to me. But I don't want to be the poor woman they feel they need to do their christian duty by. I know they say you need to allow people to serve you, so they can reap the blessings and be God's hands and all that. But I don't know how to do that. I suck at asking for it, and the friends that I want it from don't seem to have the time or capacity. But I need some love. Can't they just read my mind? 

I Hate Most Everyone At this Moment

I'm having a moment of slight rage. It's not burning, liquid rage in my belly. More just aggravation. I'm glad it's not burning rage, because I get tired of being angry, and anger seems to be something I do a little too well in my depressed state.

Today's topic of anger is friends who think I really should find people to fill my life and make it more full. Let me speak directly to said friends (although said friends will never read this). I would like to point out that YOU are my friend. And that you are too busy to spend time with me. So apparently you feel that I should get friends to spend time with since your life is too full with your other friends and significant others to squeeze me in. How does that work, exactly? You have time for regular time with other friends, but it's not reasonable for me to spend time with my friends, who I love and value, because you're so stinking busy. So I should get other friends for that part of my friend needs? I don't WANT other friends. I'm perfectly happy with the ones I have. I don't need a ton of friends to feel fulfilled. And frankly, I've never been the type that goes out with the aim of finding new friends and succeeds. If your soul does not speak to my soul I'm not going to try to force new friendships so I can have lots of friends.

ALSO. If one more friend suggests to me that I take yoga to fill the lonely void, I'm going to... do something painful to them. I don't know what it is, but it will probably involve some stupid yoga pose they can get stuck in. Why yoga? None of them take yoga. But separate friends who do not know each other and do not talk to each other have suggested yoga to me. Because apparently I'm tense and yoga will just resolve all of that.

How about this. How about you see that I am lonely and actually make an effort to spend time with me, like I would make an effort to spend time with you. How about YOU call ME from time to time. There is something incredibly lazy about "listening" to your friend talk about their loneliness and to then talk about how they need to spend time with OTHER people, because you are busy. Really? REALLY??? Do you hear yourself? And do you ever in a million years think I would tel l you to get more friends because you are lonely. No. I would plan something with you. Isn't that part of being friends? Apparently I have very high expectations of friendship. And you are attached to a significant other who fills all of your time. Why, just because I am single, must I subject myself to socializing frantically to fill the void. Did that work for you when you were single? Because that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I would rather spend meaningful time with people I care about. I have those poeple. And I actually do manage to spend a fair amount of time being social. That's not where the lonely feeling is coming from, and if you were half paying attention you would know that. Just because I don't report to you my social life doesn't mean I don't have one. Unfortunately making plans and going out to dinner or whatever doesn't fill the void. It's not more social stuff that's going to fill my void. It's heart to heart connection. So how about instead of suggesting that I do yoga and make more friends at church, you take the time to get what's going on in my head right now. Because you are not hearing me.

I Would Like to Let Go Now.

I have a tendency to brood. Coolgirl has pointed it out to me. I have always done it, but had not identified that I do it to a larger extent than many people until she pointed it out. I knew that when I'm really anxious I would grab onto a thought and think it over to death. But I have come to realize that I often grab hold of a thought and obsess about it and don't let it go.

Example: tonight, I went to a friend's birthday celebration. It was a great time but at the end the birthday girl disappeared, and a few other small things happened that seem to indicated to me that she is annoyed with me. I have analyzed my conduct and I really haven't done anything wrong. At most, I failed to recognize the moment when she took something personally that was not directed at her and not intended to give offense. But of course, this is where my brain won't shut up. I keep thinking over and over and over again to think of everything I said, every look she had, how she might have taken things I said, and what she might say to other friends. Then I start to worry about how how she appears to feel about me at this moment might impact the way other friends feel about me. This might impact how other friends interact with me in the future, and I don't want to lose those good relationships. Then I try to talk myself down by reminding myself that if she is irrationally angry, said friends will call her on it and refuse to allow her to blame me. But the thoughts of "what if" go on. I foresee manipulation and half truths that might convince said friends to spend less time with me. Basically I start to see the demise of friendships, all over one woman's cranky moment. Described here, I sound a little nutty to myself. But I still fear the power of this one woman over one particular friendship that I hold dear. Also, I don't like having people upset with me, and I want to resolve it, and it's aggravating that I can't. But this is not a situation where I can, or should, do or say anything. And I truly honestly didn't do anything wrong. Her anger isn't even really about me. But it keeps happening. And my brain won't let go of it. Shoosh, brain.

Waking to the Sounds of an Interminably Pessimistic Brain

I am so tired. I'm tired of waking up feeling yucky. I'm tired of waking up dreading the day. Dreading it for no good, sound reason. I know that I love my job. I love most of the people that I work with. Good things happen to me at work. I have some good relationships with people at work. Why do I wake up dreading to go to work? I'm anxious about everything lately. Anxious about if people will be happy with my work. Anxious that my boss's boss doesn't seem to like me. Anxious that I won't get enough done. Anxious that people are saying things about me. Anxious that people are complaining about me. Anxious that I will do something to make someone mad. It's crazy. No, really. I feel like my crazy side is taking over. I keep having conversations with myself. No, not out loud. At least not outside of my car. I keep telling myself, today is going well. Why are you stressing? There is nothing to worry about. But I can't quite seem to talk myself out of my anxiety. I take walks. That doesn't help. I pray. Doesn't seem to help. I meditate at my desk. Nada. I go and hide in a quiet place and meditate. Nope. I take deep, calming breaths. Not calm. I curse under my breath. Definitely doesn't help. I try focusing on work in hopes of distracting myself. Sometimes, sort of, works.

The good news is that many days the feeling seems to wear off after about 1 or so. Unless something happens for me to fixate on and be anxious about.

I feel like I should talk to someone about this. Don't feel like I can talk to anyone at work about this. Showing my insecurities does not seem to be a good way to advance myself professionally, and poor Coolgirl has been exposed to enough of my anxiety to last her for a year or two, at least. I've talked to other friends about it and they don't know what to say, and I end up feeling guilty for making them worry, not supported, and kind of stupid for showing my crazy. They don't have any advice to offer that I'm not already giving myself, and I'm tired of having people look at me like I am overemotional. I could go see my counselor, who I have not seen in quite a while. I don't really feel like she can say anything to make the feeling go away either, and she is far away from where I live now. Or at least, far enough away, especially in rush hour, to make it a huge effort to go see her. I don't want to change counselors. I like her. I know that is silly since I just said she is too far away so I'm not going to see her. But I don't think that telling anyone about my crazy is going to make it go away or fix it. I've already done a lot of talking to smart people and praying.

I don't feel like taking more meds is going to resolve this. Except the anxiety, my depression is pretty well in check. The anxiety does come coupled with some immense sadness sometimes when I first wake up. But I think it's more sadness over the things I'm anxious over. I've started taking Omega 3's in addition to my meds. They're supposed to do good things for your brain, and so far seem to be helping me balance out a little more in my PMS stage, which has been WAY too emotional up until this last month.

I know I should be exercising. Endorphins are good for you, blah, blah, blah. I know that. I intend to exercise. This week in fact. I just, you know, haven't.... Not tomorrow, I have a meeting after work. Wednesday. I'll exercise Wednesday. Yeah.

I've been making myself go outside after work. I sit and I read. Vitamin D is good, and natural light and fresh air and all that junk. I think that's helping me not be as bad as I could be.

How do I stop feeling so crazy? I'm tired of being so crazy anxious over things. When I do come down from my anxious place I realize how irrational a place it is. But I can't seem to talk myself out of it even when I realize I'm there and know it will look crazy later.

Man, it's exhausting being me.

Where is My Sickness-Powered Artistry?

I've always loved writing. My sort-of-secret aspiration is to write a book; to be a published author. I say sort-of-secret, because in high school I did not hide it. I would have told people. I did tell people. People knew I liked to write. I was the one who would write letters, notes, and long thoughtful ponderings and pass them to friends. I loved having written interaction. I loved expressing myself. But now, as an adult, my friends don't really know how important writing is to me. I don't share this blog address with people. I do have a blog that I share with my friends, though. I loved that avenue of expression. I loved having friends read it and give me feedback and tell me things they liked that I had said, and all that stuff. It aggravated me (and still does) when friends told me (which at least two have) "I don't read blogs." Really??? I'm not asking you to read blogs. I'm asking you to read one. Mine. It can come to your email account and you can pretend it's just an email. Yeah, I'm still really, really bitter about that. And when one of those friends referred to themselves as a writer today, like they are in the club, and clearly have not clued in that I write, and so they have to explain the club to me, it aggravates me even more.

This aggravation led to the pondering: aren't I supposed to be all artistically inspired in all my darkness and turmoil? Isn't that what people always talk about in TV shows and on postsecret and in books and whatever? That they don't want to take the meds because they feel all real and able to express themselves in deep, deep ways when they give themselves to their mental illness? I would like to know why I don't get to have that experience. My depression is like a big damp, uncomfortable blanket squashing me down and making me feel too weak to do anything, let alone get all deep and expressive. I have written so little lately. I feel like a different person. I think my little author pilot light has died. I can't seem to reignite it. So... why is it nice to be off meds? I can't even find my groove on them....

Taking a Stand and All That Rot.

I really don't enjoy standing up for myself. Not that I enjoy being railroaded, but I really, really hate conflict and confrontation. So I have a hard time telling people in my life I don't like what they are doing or how they are treating me. Especially my friends. And if they tell me I am wrong and give their side, I am inclined to empathize with them and agree and I forget that my side is valid too. I'm very bad at standing my ground in that way. I do better with people I don't like as much. I am much less concerned about how they see me after the confrontation is over. But with friends, I really want them to like me, and not to be mad at me or think negatively about me. Which is not so realistic and doesn't really work. And yet, that is how I function.

With the whole thing with Red and Roomie, I did a lot of work on standing up for myself and setting boundaries. I have learned a little about how letting your friends treat you like crap is, in fact, not really doing them a favor and doesn't make you a better friend. Who knew? But seeing all that in retrospect does not make me any better about being assertive with other friends now. I still don't like conflict. It makes me anxious. Like, full-on panic attack, crazy-person-who-can't-think-rationally anxious. That's really hard to talk yourself through and overcome. But I am still trying to overcome it. I don't like the super-unhealthy feeling that I have when I am in those situations. I don't like what it does to my friendships. And I really want to feel not-crazy.

So a few weeks ago I told someone in my life that I didn't like the way she spoke to me one day, how it made me feel, and what I wanted from her. It was super hard. I get all nervous and weak sounding when I stand up for myself, which is not how one should sound, I'm pretty sure. But I did it, and fortunately it was someone who knows that this is difficult for me and did me the courtesy of hearing me out and not being too harsh in her response. I didn't think I had gotten anywhere. She didn't promise to change. She clearly thought I was overreacting. But I knew she would keep it in mind, and that I had at least planted a seed. I was so excited yesterday, when, indirectly, she conceded part of my point. She had seen the light regarding part of the thing I told her was bothering me. I don't know if she saw the correlation. I'm pretty sure she did, because she's one who is good at connecting things. I hope this means she has given what I said more thought. I know that this means that she values me, because of the way she weighed in my feelings in the discussion.

I'd like to say that in the future this will help me find more ease in standing up for myself. The reality is that I don't think this will magically fix the stupendous amount of anxiety I feel when addressing conflict. But it's a positive experience, and will hopefully help me be just a teensy less crazy the next time I need to put my foot down.

Dreams I Could Do Without

I have always had certain dreams I have in time of stress. There's the one where I'm driving on twisty roads and hills and my breaks don't work. There's the one where I start floating upwards and at first it feels freeing and then I realize I have no control and keep floating up (slightly reminiscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). There's the one where I wake up and think there is a spider on or near my bed, to the point where I get up out of bed, turn on the light, and possibly get a shoe or the vacuum before I realize it was a dream and that I can't see in the dark. These I've had since at least high school. Then there's the one I started having after college where I realize I am not done with high school and start going to class. Usually I spend a lot of time trying to figure out where to park because I drive now and I never drove to school. Once or twice it involved being naked. Interesting considering I never had naked dreams until my 20's.

Whenever I have those dreams, I know that I am stressing about things. There's a theme of control in most of them. Going out of control, needing to gain control.... It should not have been a surprise to me when my therapist pointed out, and Coolgirl confirmed, that I am a bit of a control freak. I did not think I was. Apparently I am. I need to feel in control of my environment. Awesome.

I'm not sure what my latest dream is about. I've had it twice now. Last month, I woke up (I swear my eyes were open) and there was a man standing next to my bed looking at me. Especially freaky since I was the only one home. I screamed, twice, and loudly. It was 2am. It was a little disconcerting that the neighbor didn't seem to notice. Coolgirl thinks it was a ghost. She thinks that it was probably a friendly ghost and maybe I should take comfort. Um... not so much. Last night I had the dream again. I went to bed at a decent hour, for once, and awoke to what I swear was a man standing in my room saying something with a deep voice. I do wonder if what woke me was my own loud snoring. But I screamed. Only once this time.

Is this what night terrors are like? Am I starting to lose it? Is this simply evidence of my heightened state of anxiety? All I know is that I feel real fear and an ookiness that my regular stress dreams do not bring. I feel unsettled. I don't want to sleep. Except that I really love sleep. I want someone to quiet my fear. And that other feeling. I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

Self-Loathing

This is a fun one. This is one that I have not talked about very much to... anyone. Not my counselor, not my friends, not my journal... not even you. But it's been on my mind a lot this week. In this whole process I've been going through in the last year, where I lost the Roomie and I lost Red, and then things got rocky with Coolgirl (something I have not alluded to on here, partly because I stopped writing), and I started to question my ability to have friends, who, you know, wanted to be around me. I'm still not feeling very confident about that one. Coolgirl and I are fine. I got my meds changed, and got less crazy, and stopped doing crazy things like bursting into tears in the middle of the work day. And I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments and insights into my own lovely craziness. I do take things really personally. I do get really emotional and irrational and worry that my friend hates me when they get a little irritated or distracted or busy with having their own life. Off meds, those crazy moments were amplified, which was fun for all involved. Now I'm regaining some sanity and perspective and seeing that I don't have to get emotional about someone else's bad day. Not that I can always convince my emotional self of that. Because regardless of how my reasonable side sees things, sometimes the urge to be sad and crawl under the table and curl into the fetal position is a wee bit stronger than it should be a healthy adult. And this is why I'm having a hard time not hating myself right now. I mean, I'm driving myself crazy. I'm always freaking out and getting mad and sad and anxious about EVERYTHING. I am TIRED of it. I try to find my happy place but sometimes i don't think I have one. Why WOULD anyone want to have a close friendship with THAT. I want to just isolate like crazy. I want to spare everyone of sharing in my crazy moments. And I can see why they are irritated with me. I'm empathizing with them. but I can't take breaks like they can. And if I isolate, it's ALL me, ALL the time. There are not distractions. That gets old quick.

So I really kind of hate myself a lot of the time now. And I want someone who has been dealing with my crap and losing patience with me to tell me I have redeeming qualities. But apparently that is a needy thing to request. Or I don't know how to ask it. Or I'm not supposed to care? Specifically, I would like for Coolgirl to tell me my redeeming qualities, since she has had such a hard time going through all my crazy with me, and has seen all the ugly and barely made it through. She's all "you shouldn't worry about what other people think about you, and it shouldn't matter what I think." But, um, I need to know that a non-crazy person sees redeeming things in me. Because I am not trusting my own judgement right now. And I feel really ugly on the inside. I feel crippled. And I am feeling like, what's the point?

Shhhhhhh...

I've been trying the whole talking about my feelings and talking through them and all that crap. Now I'm thinking I would like for them to hush for a while. I've been trapped in a thought pattern over and over and over and over again about things about certain friendships I would like differently. I've talked to my friends about those things. They are aware of how I would like things to be. We have talked about the crazy parts of me and what they are willing to give me. I'm not pleased with certain parts. But I can't change them. And they are not being cruel. And I am tired of feeling yucky. Now I am thinking I would like to stop talking about it. Maybe if I stop venting to other people nearby about it, and stop thinking I need to talk to my friends about it, I will be able to get myself to stop thinking it. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm thinking over and over and over again about things that I wish that were different and about how I can't change them and then getting really irritated with myself for thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking about things that just make me feel horrible. I'm hoping I can find a way to make my brain shut up. I'm really tired of being so unhappy with friendships that are actually great, and I'm tired of struggling to get past my yucky feelings and just live in the moment and appreciate the great friends I am blessed with. I need to find a way to make my brain be still.

My Brain Never Shuts Up.

It's been a while. I have been avoiding thinking about my feelings or expressing them. Always a good healthy thing. More accurately, I have been avoiding thinking about my feelings in a healthy way. They have sucked me under and kept me in bed for almost whole weekends. They have diminished my appetite, which at least has had the nice benefit of helping me have some portion control and drop some unnecessary weight. Usually I eat my feelings, so this whole lack of appetite thing is foreign to me, or was before this last year.

I still don't really want to talk about my feelings. They are painful and they will be real and ugly here on my blog. And I feel like I'll never be able to fix anything anyways... I don't seem to be getting any better and the same annoying things that drag me down into horrible abysses of anxiety just keep rearing their ugly heads. I have the same anxieties I was having at 12, and I'm thirty something now. Awesome.

I keep thinking about my alcoholic friend, Red. I haven't heard from him since last fall. Coolgirl came over a few weeks ago and helped me go through the things of his I was holding that I should have gotten rid of long ago, since they were a huge blaring monument to my codependency. I felt guilt, but I also felt a huge weight lifted. I now have a very small box of things I will mail to his dad. If I ever figure out his address, because I am not texting, emailing, or facebooking Red. He will answer, and he will make me cry. Whether he is mean or manipulative or something in between, I know it will rip my heart.

Having made it past that step, I'm now onto facing the reality that he is out of my life. I miss him when I think waaaay back, but I also have embraced the reality that he is not that person now. And that makes me sad. But I also still feel a sense of failure. I failed him as a friend. I failed to keep a friend. I have lost another friend. I lost Roomie, and then Red, all in a matter of months. And now other friends don't seem to be totally loving me (read, they don't have the time for me I want them to have), and I am having this insane, panicky, horrible, irrational feeling that soon I will be so, so truly alone. No one wants to love me. But see, there, those feelings I said I didn't want to talk about have slipped out.

So I now find myself wondering when I will hear that Red is dead. Will he live for years? Is he already dead? Is his liver about to go? Will he overdoes? Will he do something stupid when he is drunk and hi? Will he just get tied up with other equally stupid people at a stupid time and have something horrible happen to him? and if he does, will I get a phone call from his brother or his dad? It's a real fear. He kept saying the last few years we were in contact that he wants to live hard and die young. I think that was his way of pretending he chooses to have his addiction and sink into it. But I think he has embraced his mortality in a scary, scary way. We're still friends on facebook. I see him post every few months. A while back he was online every once in a while, and I totally could have tried to chat. The way I know my heart has changed is that I didn't want to. It would only have ended in tears. But I do want to know if he's doing okay. I hope he's doing better. I want to believe he is, and that somehow I've overestimated his addiction and the direction he is heading because of it. But I'm pretty sure I haven't.