Moving Towards Not Caring

I think the direction I am moving in is either healthy, or really not healthy. I really should figure out which one. I've  been having a really rough time with a friend, and wanting their attention, and stressing about the relationship, and not liking her interactions with other friends, and feeling left out. Fixating is one word that comes to mind. It's an ugly word, and I don't like it, but my mind was not letting go of my yucky feelings. So I've decided that I need to stop fixating. This was a great epiphany for me. And harder than it sounds, which you might understand if you have ever had a friend seemingly start growing away from you. Your urge (or at least mine) is to try to pull them nearer, and fix it. I've tried that. It wasn't working. she gets all independent and wants space and all that crap. I totally don't get that because I tend to let my friends draw me near when they need me. But for my own self-preservation I'm not engaging as much with her or the people around us socially. I can feel myself doing that whole guarding my heart thing a little. This is something I have not done in the past with this friend, because I am all about trust and openness with my friends. But that was not working. Continual pain tells me that something about the way that I am handling this friendship is not working. So, I do the whole putting up walls thing. I don't like to do this with friends. But it feels like the most healthy thing I can do right now.

She knows something is up. She knows I have things on my mind, and she knows I am all stressed out. She's the whole, whatever, you don't have to talk to me, I'll give you space, kind of friend. Which is nice of her. I wish it was a little more important to her to know what was going on with me and be all supportive, but that's not her style, and this is not about getting her attention. And she has asked me what's going on several times. She's shown genuine concern. I think she believes she knows a lot of what is going on in my head. She maybe knows 50%. It's more complicated than just being about this friendship. I really can't talk about it with her. I don't know what I would say. I don't think talking to her about it would help me. I still wish I could. I want to be able to tell her. I want someone close to me, supporting me. But this is one of those stupid, work through it yourself, kind of things. I'm tired of doing things on my own.

One odd side effect. Several times the last few weeks I've gotten so sick to my stomach over the stress of it all that I've wanted to puke. And so I have. I made myself puke tonight. My tummy feels so much better now. I think this is not healthy. I think I will not be telling anyone about this. I really should stop doing that.

It should bother her that I"m putting up walls. I don't think she's noticed yet. Ugh. It sounds like I'm doing this to get her attention. I'm not. But I'm not going to lie, I wish it would get her attention nonetheless. At least a little.