My meds are much better. My friendships are all in good places. Conflicts with friends that were breaking my heart are resolved. I have a great guy I'm dating who just told me he loves me (although I feel a wee bit too fast... we've only been dating for about two months). I feel sad. I shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't be feeling dissatisfied with the guy. I shouldn't be feeling that I want more from the friendships. I shouldn't be sad.
For crying out loud.
I need to get back to counseling. I don't want to. Also, I am broke. That is a legitmate source of stress this week. I am so stinking broke. Like, bursting at the seams, I am in debt, should pay attention to my budget because avoidance doesn't make it better broke. I think there is chicklit about this. And I am pretty sure reading about this girl did not so much amuse me as make me super anxious. But I digress. The point is, I need counseling, but I need to be able to pay for it...
At least, that was the point of that paragraph.
My real point is, I should be happy. This is the time when I should move forward. Embrace life. Be thankful that there are times when it gets better. When the meds work. When people love me back. When I get what I want and all that junk.
I really am an Eeyore. I don't want to be anymore. Why can't I be all Pollyanna and be Glad and stuff. I'm like Pollyanna after she broke her back or whatever.
So seriously, can't figure out why I can't let myself be happy. I mean, we could go with the answer about how I'm afraid to let myself be happy because I"ll end up getting hurt or something. And I'm sure that plays into it. But why can't I just enjoy the good feeling today. What is my deal?
Sunday, July 22, 2012
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