Bad Day

It seems that at least a few days a month now, and often the whole week before my period too, I feel so depressed and desperate. I feel like it should not be this hard when I'm medicated.  The pain is palpable. I've had to take a few sick days. I feel like my mental illness is becoming debilitating. It's hard to contain my anxiety and maintain the appearance of normal function. It's becoming too large to hide. 

I was already feeling off this morning and trying to figure out how I would make it through the day at work when I got a text. A young woman I worked with was shot and killed this week. She did nothing wrong. Some crazy man shot her.  It adds to the feeling that this world has tilted and has become the hell I sometimes feel I'm living in. 

My thoughts are muddled. I can't even express this turmoil I feel caught in. It's a bad day. I would like more good days please. 

The Disconnect

In the past year or so I have becoming increasingly isolated. Friends that I used to call close I can't seem to keep up with anymore. My mind is easily filled with thoughts that my friends find me to be a nuisance or that they're mad at me. 

I have one friend who admitted to me last year that she had distanced herself from me intentionally. I think she meant my anxiety was too much for her. Since she told me that I feel awkward reaching out to her. I read into her response or lack of response on Facebook to comments I post. I'm not sure if she's genuine when she agrees that we should get together. I'm not surprised that none of those plans have worked out. I saw her the other day and it was awkward. I was awkward. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. So many negative thoughts flood my head. I know that all of my friends can't feel as negatively as my mind tells me right now. I feel trapped by my anxiety. It's taking away my friends. I don't know how to be myself anymore. 

My Procrastination

I like to procrastinate. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I feel the need to procrastinate. A deep gripping overwhelming need to procrastinate. As though my life depended on it. I recently had an epiphany about this. I procrastinate to avoid The anxiety. The anxiety is too much.  If I look at my bills then I know that I'll be anxious about money and I'll be anxious about how much I make and I'll be anxious about the coming dentist bill that I can't pay. I think about the taxes I need to file and whether or not I did healthcare right last year. This turns into a worry about how the IRS is going to take away all my tax return. Then I worry about my retirement and how I'm behind on saving for it. Then I think about how I shouldn't file all of these papers floating around my apartment. Which makes me think I need to clean my apartment. If if I clean my apartment then I start to think about all of the things that I need to get rid of or the things I have nowhere to put. And then I think about how I have too much stuff. And then I think about how I have only six months left on my lease and I still haven't gotten everything put away. I'm  going to have to start packing soon.  

So at least now I know where all this avoidance comes from. Perhaps this seems obvious.  But I didn't know why I was sending everything out and hoping that it would go away. I had become such an airhead. I realize now it was self-preservation because there was too much anxiety over every thoughts I hadn't realized that I was anxious all the time. Somehow I missed that this was the over arching feeling. But I feel like I'm finally waking up.  I hope it's not too painful.