One Thing I'm Thankful For

I do look on the bright side, believe it or not. I'm generally a glass half full kind of girl. This blog is a place where I give myself permission to be honest about the other half of the glass, which is, after all, empty. I may not like the person I look like on this blog, but it's easier to examine myself when I've gotten it out there. With that said, I would like to follow up my blog from yesterday, which was written from a place of despair and frustration with a moment of gratitude for where I am.

A year ago, I was unemployed and terrified. I did not know what I wanted to DO. It's really hard to look for a job when you are not really sure what your plan B is. I wanted to work with children, and the way in which I wanted to do so was not an option. Fastforward a year. I am so blessed to have been laid off. I learned so much about myself, through all that harrowing soul searching. And I have learned even more since I got my job. I never expected them to call me, let alone hire me, when I sent in the application. I can only conclude that God was guiding me. Or carrying me. The friendships I have gained, the knowledge I have acquired, are so far beyond anything I could have hoped for. It's not just that I've gained knowledge. It's that the knowledge that I have gained has enriched me and inspired me. Any good job should teach you things. This job is an amazing job, since it is teaching me things that will make me a far better person than I would have dared to strive to be. As hard as some days are, I am almost always happy to be going there, and I am often not in a hurry to leave. My work is meaningful, and it helps keep me sane.

Exhausted

Just when I thought I was all healthy and dealing, two things happened. I went to my counselor, and I got my period, thereby sending all kinds of loopy crazy hormones to mess with my body.

Turns out I have no stable part of my life right now. Within the last year, I've lost a job, gained a job, had stressful, crazy times with my roommate, changed where I go to church, and helped my parents move out of my childhood home. Also other things. Yay for instability. Have I mentioned that change stresses me out? So having identified that, and having crazy woman chemicals surging through my body, it is no wonder I feel exhausted right now. I have spent so much time trying not to be a crazy person and alienate my friend Coolgirl, who is the lucky duck who spends more time with me at this point than anyone else in my life, seeing as how we work together AND conversate about non-work topics outside work time.

One thing I have not talked to the counselor about recently is how much I worry about Coolgirl realizing how clingy and crazy I am and running far, far away. Or as far away as she can, given the proximity of our offices. She keeps insisting I'm not crazy, but I'm thinking that might be just because I've been hiding the crazy well. The clingy part I used to think was there because my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend (her choice, not mine) would put that label on me. Two people is a pattern right? Deep down, honestly, I'm convinced I must be clingy, and I feel this desperate impulse to hide that from friends I start to grow close to. I've outgrown that impulse with a few close friends who have accepted me as family, but I'm not there with Coolgirl. Even though she's more often then not the one calling me. I'm truly, honestly convinced that any day now she will see how flawed and tiresome I really am. She assures me that she finds me neither moody (which I totally was today), nor crabby; neither annoying nor crazy. I believe her when she says it, because she is genuine and I trust her. But deep down I simultaneously don't believe her. I don't dare to. I am afraid.

My counselor says she hears a recurring theme in my different anxieties of a fear of being left behind or forgotten. Abandonment issues, Coolgirl says. Why am I afraid of being abandoned? Maybe because my ex-best friend who I thought would be there forever seemingly suddenly wrote me out of her life? But I was "clingy" in her eyes long before then. I was already worrying about being abandoned. What is my damage?

I think I'm afraid Coolgirl will leave me. She's too important to me. So I'm afraid of how much I love her and value her friendship. I am afraid of how deeply I trust her and how much I've confided, and how much it would hurt to lose that friendship. Why do I expend energy on this? Because if we were no longer friends I would be heart broken. And I anticipate heart break.

Keeping My Cool

I am proud to tell you that my roommate is still not speaking me and I am NOT experiencing significant anxiety. That is not to say that I'm not sad. I am. She seems to have decided to avoid me for an extended period of time. I'm not sure how long she thinks she can do it, but so far it's been almost a week. My schedule is consistent enough now she can do it for a very long time if she's really determined. I have decided that I can't feed into her issues with codependency by staking her out. She knows where I am. She knows my door is (literally) open. She knows that I always want to talk things out. I apologized (via text, since I knew she was avoiding me) and she didn't answer. I can't let myself get stressed over her passive aggressive behavior. On the one hand I am quite proud of myself. I feel healthy and right about the efforts I have made and the boundaries I have drawn. But on the other hand, I'm sad. She is so mired in her own personal issues that she is willing to sacrifice our friendship. I almost think it is imperative for her to do so at this point in order to "prove" some things to herself and protect herself from... life? I'm not really sure that she knows exactly what she is so afraid of. It breaks my heart that I can't help her. Because, as CoolGirl pointed out to me the other day, I'm a caretaker and a fixer. But I can't fix her. And I'm finally at a place where, at least with a few of my friends who are really having a hard time, but who have not begun to advocate for themselves, I've accepted that I need to not try to own their problems or the responsibilities for the solutions. And let me tell you, what a relief.

Unhealthy People Causing Undue Stress

My roommate is mad at me. Yes, I had a thoughtless moment. But it was fairly minor in the scheme of things, and she chose to essentially cuss me out via text because I hurt her feelings. I apologized, via text, and now she is ignoring me. She doesn't know how to express her feelings in a healthy way, and I am generally the target since she has no other close friends. I am thinking that this lease term will be our last lease term. I'm not doing her any favors by allowing her to have this hold over me, and I feel very much like I'm in an unhealthy place today, since her silent treatment means I can't find peace in my own apartment. Her disproportionate anger over any perceived injustice is exhausting. She needs to get counseling, and I've told her this over and over. She is too busy hiding from reality to get it set up. I'm frustrated and stressed, and frustrated that I am stressed.