So Much Anxiety

I suppose I should be thankful that the amount of anxiety I am feeling right now has not been constant lately. Although, when it was, I was not eating my feelings so much, and I was not the heaviest I have ever been. But it felt like crap emotionally so I suppose I should count my blessings and go for a jog or something.

Tonight I'm feeling anxious and stupid over everything I said and did today. And I am thinking that people are having conversations about me. And I'm thinking people aren't answering texts on purpose, and not just because they are busy or distracted or, you know, having a life. Being inside my head tonight is exhausting.

The crappy thing is that I was looking forward to this weekend all week. I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, and do fun things that were totally non-work related. I should be happy and content right now. It really irritates me that I don't feel happy and content right now. But that just ratchets up the anxiety, because I'm irritated with myself for being like this, and feeling like a crazy person, which makes me think that if people are talking, or avoiding, or whatever they are doing, I wouldn't blame them. Because I am a crazy person.

Currently my man seems to be dodging my call/text. I'm fairly certain that is not paranoia and anxiety, but that I'm actually aware of what he is doing. He's frustrated with me for not being what he wants me to be. But clearly there is something about me that IS what he wants me to be, or he would not be as IN as he is, and he would not be so irritated, because it wouldn't matter so much. Honestly and truly, I'm not sure what it is he sees in me. I don't understand why, when he is so frustrated, he is still here. Well, clearly not literally here, or I would not be musing about how he's avoiding me. But I can't figure what he DOES see in me. And when I see him really loving me it makes me feel all panicky. And I want to put up good safe walls. And I don't know why I do this. And I don't know why it panicks me. I think my mother's cool reception to physical affection from my dad in my formative years have had a larger impact than I have ever realized. Because I catch myself doing it too. Apparently I subconsciously think that's normal. And I reflexively react coolly. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am balancing on a very narrow beam over a very deep ravine. that is the feeling in my chest and in my gut. Like only a string is holding me up and away from catastrophe. Why on earth do I feel like that?