PS

Today was better. Coolgirl still loves me, of course. I did add stress to her week last week, and she was honest about that. I had a couple of snotty moments, for which she could have smacked me upside of the head but kindly refrained. We're okay now. And I know more about what is going on that is stressing her. Which helps me have empathy, and also inspires me to not add to her crap. Good news all around.

The Secret I Don't Get

I follow the postsecret blog. It's good stuff. I highly recommend it on the off chance there is still someone out there besides my mother who has not heard of it. I love that there are so many different kinds of secrets, and so many different things that people worry about and harbor shame over. In some ways, it can be releasing. I realize that some shame I am harboring is nothing compared to the thing some other poor soul has shared with the world on postsecret. It's really beautiful to see people reach out to each other, too.

One secret that I see a lot on there in one form or another, and that I have seen expressed in writing and on TV throughout the years, confuses me just a wee bit.That is the worry expressed by some mentally ill people that taking the drug will Change Them. Make them Less. While I can see how this might be true with specific illnesses, where the drugs they use to help balance them are harsher and do make larger impacts on their personality (I've seen this first-hand in my profession), I don't understand this fear for depression. Or even for bipolar disorder. That's not to say that the fear isn't justified, or that there aren't drugs who might make them feel "off." But I have never met a clinically depressed person, or a person with bipolar disorder, who was Better off the drugs. At least that I know of. Deeper pain does not always equal deeper joy. Deeper pain can be missed opportunity for joy, and it can mean fuzzy happy feelings instead of the brilliant joy you can discover when your brain is balanced and healthy. For myself, that is how I feel. I'm thankful for my medication adn there is nothing appealing about "toughing it out." There are just more tears, more angry moments, more moments of self-flagellation. How is that fun? I know everyone is different. I'm not saying my way of dealing with depression is the best way for everyone. But for myself, with my experiences, from my perspective, I don't get what is so beautiful about going unmedicated when your brain just needs a little chemical balance. Is it a suffering artist thing? I've met happy artists. They do beautiful work. That's just my thought for the night. For me, I choose to seek a healthy brain, and hopefully a healthy life.

The Inevitable Crappiness Afterwards

Because I was feeling so darn healthy, now of course things are going to pot. Coolgirl has been impatient with me, and work-wise some things have been going down that both surprised me and hurt. Apparently I am super sensitive, and Coolgirl has a hard time understanding why I am taking things personally. And I have a hard time understanding why it seems to irritate her so much that I am emotional about things. It's one of the most painful things I've gone through with her. I don't like it. She has not been cruel. She has had moments where I have felt she could be kinder. But she has been genuine in expressing her feelings. And she has been tender when she could. I know from the way we parted on Friday that everything will be okay with us. But it's been all weekend. She isn't answering my texts (which is common-she is self-admittedly bad about it), and I fill in blanks when I have too much time to think. Right now the blank I am filling in is that she wants a break from me. I am probably a little right. It was a long week at work last week and apparently, as she told me Friday, I was major contributing factor to that (not that she said it quite like that). She hasn't been online, and she hasn't answered texts. I think she is checking out from the world. I don't like being part of The World. I didn't used to be. See, this is where I get all crazy. Because this thought pattern goes over and over.

Feeling Fine!

I have this thing when I am really, really, not feeling good inside, where I can't listen to music that elicits emotion. It's like I have a sensory overload, and it's too painful. I wasn't always this way. The first time I literally had to turn off the radio (and really didn't turn it on for months) was after The Big Breakup with Red. This was back in the day, before his alcoholism had come out to show itself in all its lovely glory. He dumped me. It was heart breaking, in the way where heart breaking does not really describe how much it hurt. I listened to a lot of old men debate politics and talk about the things that make old men crabby (everything) for a while after that. I found it soothing. Possibly because my mom listened to talk radio when I was growing up and we were driving around running errands and such. To this day, generally SOME songs are too much for me, depending on where the sore spot is and what the drama is at that point in my day/week/month/year/life. Today, as I drove to my therapist's appointment, I realized something. My mood was so even and I felt so at peace that no song was stirring me up and making me all festery inside. For the last two days, I have felt light. I'm cured! Right? Isn't that what it means?

I know I'm not cured. I know I'll still have crappy days. I know that I will still have days where certain songs make me want to puke from the anxiety or sadness or fill-in-the-emotion of it all. But I also know I have broken through some layers and dropped some serious baggage. I am not carrying The Roommate's burden. I am not carrying Red's. And while I feel strange--I am not really sure who this is I have here inhabiting my body, because it doesn't quite feel like me-- I also feel free. Light. Relieved. And blessed. What I am left with is the most amazing, intelligent, loving, tender, supporting, funny, no-nonsense friends you could ask for. How am I so lucky? They make me feel like a pretty amazing person myself sometimes. Possibly someday I'll get to liking myself as much as they all seem to like me. Things are looking up.

Happy Day are Here Again

In the ongoing but soon to be ended drama with The Roommate, I finally told her that I am not renewing the lease. Although I gave her a full month's notice, she does not feel that was enough notice, she does not feel that is enough, and has requested I extend it a month. I've gotten many venemous emails from her with not so polite requests for different things. She downgraded the cable and didn't tell me until she had gone into my room and taken the box (after talking to me just that morning). I'm feeling a little bit violated. I know that she has gone into protection mode, and that she is hurting and this is her way of dealing with it. But it's very frustrating because I'm not doing any of the things I"ve done to hurt her, and I've been careful to be as respectful as I can in all our communications. She projects unkindness onto people, though. This I have witnessed. So in her mind I'm doing things to hurt her and be selfish and rude. When in fact I've tried very hard to treat her the way I would want to be treated. But this is part of why we shouldn't be living together anymore. I don't feel like I can ever be good enough for her. I'm always doing things wrong in her mind. And I shouldn't feel this crappy every time I have an interaction with a friend. Which leads me to believe we are no longer friends. And since she's going to be angry and hurt no matter what I do, I have kind of given up trying.

I did get to a place on Thursday (the day of teh cable incident), where I realized that I cannot carry her baggage anymore. I've tried to be a good friend, and I know I'm not perfect, so it may not have been perfect, but I did try, and still she cannot forgive for any of my stupid moments. I need, and have, friends who will support and love me regardless of my faults. Coolgirl helped me to realize that. If I do something stupid she tells me. But I don't feel that she loves me any less, even if there is a glint of anger in her eyes. She is still respectful, and does not intentionally say things to hurt me. She wants me to do better because she believes in me. Same with BFF and other friends I think of. But The Roommate expects me to fail because she believes in my flaws. And she is prepared to be angry and hurt when I do. That's not healthy. And I have nothing left to give her. It's just frustrating because I know how she is interpretting my actions, and in her eyes I'm still being rude, and "fighting" with her, when really I'm just trying to stay out of her way and keep the peace. There is no winning.

So back to the baggage. I have come to a complete understanding that I need to focus on my own happiness. I've known it in my head, and Coolgirl gave me a big peptalk/lecture the other day telling me I was driving her crazy because I was getting all twisted up over The Roommate's shenanigans, and letting her guilt me and upset me and ruin my days. And she was right, and I knew it. But emotionally I still was feeling guilty and disloyal for leaving her, and for not trying to repair the friendship again. Even though I have tried everything I can and I don't really know if it is fixable given her current expectations. I've apologized numerous times and beyond groveling I'm not sure what she expects. So I need to focus on all the good things in my life. Because my life is really good right now. I have a wonderful job, which I love. I work with awesome people, who make me laugh and teach me so much. Church feels so much better, now that I'm going to a different meeting, away from The Roommate and some of the other drama that was attached to my last one. I have AMAZING friends who want the best for me, and want to see me happy. Friends who have stuck with me through hours of agonizing and crying and anixiety and drama over The Roommate and Red. I have some of the most amazing, smart friends I have ever had. I am so blessed. So do I really want to spend my time at work, and with my friends, crying, or developing stress headaches? There's so much I'm missing. These are all things Coolgirl mentioned in her lecture. But I really, really, got it and accepted it emotionally on Thursday.

And Friday was awesome. At least after the sleeping through my alarm and being late for work part. I felt so much better. I gave myself permission to let go of the burden of The Roommate situation. That's not to say that it doesn't nag at me (see above), or that I have no feelings. But I've let go of the ownership of the problems. I know what I need to do. I need to focus on what is healthy for me, and be the best person I can be. That doesn't mean I have to hold onto friends that are not really friends. Because she doesn't do anything that a real friend would do. She can't. She needs to work on healing herself first. And I can't do it for her. So I'm taking on extra pain for... no reason. I'm finally convinced of that. And I choose happiness.

Cry, cry, cry.

I've been crying too much lately. One close friend suggested that getting a hobby was the solution. Coolgirl told me today that I need to relax. Um, really? Hmmm... hadn't thought of that. And now I have more flaws that my friends apparently see in me. Can't I just get credit for surviving all the crap this year? Because I don't want a hobby right now. I want an apartment. And I would like to know The Roommate is alive. She hasn't been home in a week and a half now. Haven't seen her in about 2 and a half weeks. I must be really horrible to be around.

Make Up Your Ever Loving Mind, People!

So my friends have been telling me that I need to deal with my emotions instead of just avoiding them. And then this week, some kind of traumatic things happened, and I've been trying to make sure I get down to the root of my feelings and figure out what is really upsetting me. I feel like I did a good job of that. And I do feel like I've been crying too much lately, but I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Also in the past I tended to avoid my feelings in order to avoid the pain and the crying and all that. So dealing with feelings is good, right?

Enter my friend who has been supporting me through all of this who is telling me I need to take up a hobby so I stop thinking about my problems so much. Um, make up your mind. I do not plan to fixate on these things, but I did need to make decisions (like the one not to live with The Roommate anymore), and you can't do that without thinking about your feelings, and there was some working through them to be done. I hate when people offer simple solutions without really stopping to think about what all the components are. Grr.