Feeling Fine!

I have this thing when I am really, really, not feeling good inside, where I can't listen to music that elicits emotion. It's like I have a sensory overload, and it's too painful. I wasn't always this way. The first time I literally had to turn off the radio (and really didn't turn it on for months) was after The Big Breakup with Red. This was back in the day, before his alcoholism had come out to show itself in all its lovely glory. He dumped me. It was heart breaking, in the way where heart breaking does not really describe how much it hurt. I listened to a lot of old men debate politics and talk about the things that make old men crabby (everything) for a while after that. I found it soothing. Possibly because my mom listened to talk radio when I was growing up and we were driving around running errands and such. To this day, generally SOME songs are too much for me, depending on where the sore spot is and what the drama is at that point in my day/week/month/year/life. Today, as I drove to my therapist's appointment, I realized something. My mood was so even and I felt so at peace that no song was stirring me up and making me all festery inside. For the last two days, I have felt light. I'm cured! Right? Isn't that what it means?

I know I'm not cured. I know I'll still have crappy days. I know that I will still have days where certain songs make me want to puke from the anxiety or sadness or fill-in-the-emotion of it all. But I also know I have broken through some layers and dropped some serious baggage. I am not carrying The Roommate's burden. I am not carrying Red's. And while I feel strange--I am not really sure who this is I have here inhabiting my body, because it doesn't quite feel like me-- I also feel free. Light. Relieved. And blessed. What I am left with is the most amazing, intelligent, loving, tender, supporting, funny, no-nonsense friends you could ask for. How am I so lucky? They make me feel like a pretty amazing person myself sometimes. Possibly someday I'll get to liking myself as much as they all seem to like me. Things are looking up.