Dear World: Walk on Me

I feel like the title of this post must be stamped on my forehead. No, really, it must be. I have been ranted at in a very disrespectful way, AGAIN. By the man who says he loves me and could see himself marrying me. But then he says something that is borderline abusive. And after he judged my aforementioned friend for her very disrespectful words she flung at me.

I think he might be sorry. He called today. All he said was "I wanted to see if you were OK."  I said "yes," because in general I was fine, and I'm stupid and didn't think to say, no, I'm not okay, and the way you treated me is not OK, because I suck at standing up for myself. So I said I was fine, and then I asked if he was okay. He said he was fine. We got off the phone. What kind of conversation was that? Why can't I tell people I'm not okay when I'm not okay? Seriously, I don't know how to do it. I don't know why I don't know how to do it.

I want a do-over. I want him to call again, so I can have a real conversation with him. But I don't feel like I can call him, because I think that might be the co-dependent thing to do, since he didn't apologize and I am not allowed to just try to smooth things over. It's so confusing trying to break a habit when you're not sure where the health stops and the unhealthy starts.

The Road to Healing?

So my friend alluded to in the last post apologized to me. Things got too big and she disappointed other people she really respects with this, and was basically brought down to her knees in the situation. I'm not sure that she would have felt bad if there weren't other people involved. I think she would have. It's all so confusing. I don't know what all her motivations are. I feel like we can't be honest with each other anymore. There are too many things at stake for us. I can't tell her things about my feelings and my life because she has lost my trust. I don't trust her to treat my feelings kindly. I don't trust her to not use the information against me. She says she didn't mean the things she said in the outburst, but I don't know if I believe her. Those thoughts have to have come from somewhere. She seems to have a lot of unkind thoughts about me lately.

I'm so tired. I want her to notice how little she knows about me lately. Those nine kinds of pain I wasn't in last week, when I was in shock? I'm in them now. I think that seeing her today for the first time since the big blowup brought out my feelings of hurt, and I am realizing how deep she cut. I have this horrible, codependent way of always wanting to get rid of conflict and smooth things over, and say things are OK even if they aren't, so that everyone can be happy (except me, but I get a buzz off of others' happiness). This time I'm not allowing myself to be OK with how things went down. I've forgiven her, and I'm not angry, but I'm very hurt, and I've made it clear to her that we need to work through those issues, instead of me just ignoring my hurt and saying it's OK. This is all very foreign to me. I don't like it. I want to just say it's all OK. I want to just have happy conversations and interactions and forget about this. I want her to be comfortable, even though she hurt me so much. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, she cut a little too deep this time, and I can't just forget it. And, honestly, those who know what happened are keeping me accountable, because they have all made it clear that they think I would not be healthy if I just let this be swept under the rug. Nothing like some peer pressure to make you try to do things right. I don't like this. This feels like the hard way. I feel like we've been getting nowhere for so long, I'm scared to try to keep working at it. Trying to keep working at it got me here. She said horrible things. I was trying everything I could think of. I don't want to fight with her anymore. I'm tired of seeing that pinched look on her face, because I frustrate her so much and she dislikes interacting with me so much.

I love her so dearly. I wish that she could feel that way more often about me.

Wherein My Therapist Tells Me I am Not the Crazy One

Things have not been going well at work. Won't go into details here. Suffice it to say that I had a long period where I wasn't functioning very well at all with the depression. And my boss will not forgive it, and thinks the concept of forgiveness, or absolving an employee of past wrongs is not acceptable. Because heaven forbid that someone who screwed up big time and is punishing herself and struggling all on her own is given a break by other people. Let's make sure the pain is all around, constant, and never relents. Until you either die or have a breakdown at work and quit in a messy painful way. Sounds like a solid plan.

Today, things kind of came to a head. Someone I respect, admire, and aspire to be like in some ways told me how little they think of me. I'm still in shock. I can't believe she said the things she did. I talked over the impending meeting with my therapist this morning, and she told me that the person has classic bully characteristics. I'm not trying to see her like that. I have not been describing incidents with her to people to try to make her wrong. I've been trying to figure out what I might be doing wrong, or could do differently. I've been trying to figure out how to repair things between us. I've been trying to figure out what it is she wants to see that I'm not showing her. My therapist told me that I was handling things well, and it sounds like she is the one handling it with emotion, and not dealing with it objectively. I wonder if her therapist would tell her the same thing.

I want so badly for things to be fixed. I don't know if they can be. I think that the relationship may be permanently damaged. I don't know if it would be healthy to want to be her friend if she did apologize. I doubt she will. Somehow, she maintains that the way she treated me and spoke to me today was justified. I can't just say that's OK, because it's not. I don't understand why she reacts the way she does to me. I don't understand why she doesn't seem to desire a resolution. I don't understand what is at the heart of this. I kind of feel like there's more to this than she is admitting. I don't understand where this is coming from.

I feel so numb. Normally I would be feeling nine kinds of pain. I think that I've been feeling it so much the last few weeks that this incident is just keeping the pain at the high level I've learned to function at. I feel like I've got some magical wall up to protect me from this pain. I know this is the heartbreaking kind. I have no idea where we go from here. I don't even know how to look her in the eye. I don't want to see what is there. How could she think so little of me and trust me so little.

Grownuphood is Stupid.

The older I get, the harder adulthood seems to be. I don't understand it. I feel like things were so much simpler, and the rules were so much clearer when I was younger. Friendship was so much simpler, and the rules were clear. I miss the days when I didn't have friends who compartmentalize like some of them do. It seems so fake and dishonest to me. They feel they can be loyal friends while they are disloyal to me in other parts of life. That is stupid. I feel so un-valued. I feel so untrusted. I don't understand how people function treating relationships like this. I don't understand people who are okay with making people's lives miserable in the name of  "doing a good job" at work. How on earth does that equate doing a good job?

When the Loneliness Gets Real

When someone you love tells you that loving you isn't enough--that they need to move on--the pain is deafening. It's numbing. Life gets unreal. It all feels like a sick joke. And this is ON the meds. I am so, so alone. Friends can't fill his place. Nothing they, or you, or anyone says can make it better. And I don't want to hear anything anyone has to say on this. I don't want to tell my friends, because I don't want to hear them say he's not good enough, or that they knew it, or that there's someone better, or why they think we don't work. I don't want them to agree with me when I say that he's a jerk. I don't want to hear the cold hard facts. I'm not stupid. I know everything they could tell me. But this has thrown me back into a place where I feel so incredibly, horribly isolated in a final, permanent, desperate sort of way. No amount of pep talks will help. In fact, they would just fill me with rage. So I won't tell anyone right now. And I will vent here. And I will turn off the comments, because I don't want to be commiserated with, or talked to at all about this. Not even from you. And I don't want to do this ever, ever again. Unless I can have him back. And I don't think I need to worry about it because no one will be there for me to try with. And I don't want to see him, or talk to him, or smell him. And I want to see him, and talk to him, and smell him. And if I had the chance to see him, and talk to him, and smell him, I would sabatoge it and say something full of venom and push him far away, and be that icy woman he has accused me of. And it would all be because I opened my heart and trusted him and showed him really vulnerable parts of myself, because he said I could trust him, when he didn't really mean that I could trust him, unless things were easy and fun and he was satisfied. Those are the terms to his love. And maybe if I weren't me, I would be enough for him. And maybe if I weren't me, it would be worth it to him to work through the hard stuff, because maybe the thought of not having me in his life would mean something to him.

Weird Teetery Place

First, I need to tell you I found this, which I seriously think is the best description of how depression feels that I have ever read. Ever. Also it's funny and the pictures crack me up. 

I feel like I'm on an anxiety teeter totter right now. It is not fun like real ones. It just has the butterlfly-ey feeling, but like the I'm about to fall off this big teeter totter kind of butterflies. Right now I am feeling vaguely anxious about work tomorrow. I have managed to turn off my work thoughts enough that I am not obsessing about something that is making me anxious. But I have a vague sense that something is about to go very, very wrong. This feeling is only useful when your spidey senses are working correctly. Mine are all out of whack. I'm going to go crazy soon if this doesn't stop. The good news is, the vague feeling is a step up from the all-consuming anxiety where the thought practically eats you alive. So I think the meds are working. But still, I think I went a little crazy while the meds weren't working, and maybe there is no cure for that portion of crazy. This does not bode well.

I'm rambley tonight. The end.