Dear World: Walk on Me

I feel like the title of this post must be stamped on my forehead. No, really, it must be. I have been ranted at in a very disrespectful way, AGAIN. By the man who says he loves me and could see himself marrying me. But then he says something that is borderline abusive. And after he judged my aforementioned friend for her very disrespectful words she flung at me.

I think he might be sorry. He called today. All he said was "I wanted to see if you were OK."  I said "yes," because in general I was fine, and I'm stupid and didn't think to say, no, I'm not okay, and the way you treated me is not OK, because I suck at standing up for myself. So I said I was fine, and then I asked if he was okay. He said he was fine. We got off the phone. What kind of conversation was that? Why can't I tell people I'm not okay when I'm not okay? Seriously, I don't know how to do it. I don't know why I don't know how to do it.

I want a do-over. I want him to call again, so I can have a real conversation with him. But I don't feel like I can call him, because I think that might be the co-dependent thing to do, since he didn't apologize and I am not allowed to just try to smooth things over. It's so confusing trying to break a habit when you're not sure where the health stops and the unhealthy starts.