Wherein My Therapist Tells Me I am Not the Crazy One

Things have not been going well at work. Won't go into details here. Suffice it to say that I had a long period where I wasn't functioning very well at all with the depression. And my boss will not forgive it, and thinks the concept of forgiveness, or absolving an employee of past wrongs is not acceptable. Because heaven forbid that someone who screwed up big time and is punishing herself and struggling all on her own is given a break by other people. Let's make sure the pain is all around, constant, and never relents. Until you either die or have a breakdown at work and quit in a messy painful way. Sounds like a solid plan.

Today, things kind of came to a head. Someone I respect, admire, and aspire to be like in some ways told me how little they think of me. I'm still in shock. I can't believe she said the things she did. I talked over the impending meeting with my therapist this morning, and she told me that the person has classic bully characteristics. I'm not trying to see her like that. I have not been describing incidents with her to people to try to make her wrong. I've been trying to figure out what I might be doing wrong, or could do differently. I've been trying to figure out how to repair things between us. I've been trying to figure out what it is she wants to see that I'm not showing her. My therapist told me that I was handling things well, and it sounds like she is the one handling it with emotion, and not dealing with it objectively. I wonder if her therapist would tell her the same thing.

I want so badly for things to be fixed. I don't know if they can be. I think that the relationship may be permanently damaged. I don't know if it would be healthy to want to be her friend if she did apologize. I doubt she will. Somehow, she maintains that the way she treated me and spoke to me today was justified. I can't just say that's OK, because it's not. I don't understand why she reacts the way she does to me. I don't understand why she doesn't seem to desire a resolution. I don't understand what is at the heart of this. I kind of feel like there's more to this than she is admitting. I don't understand where this is coming from.

I feel so numb. Normally I would be feeling nine kinds of pain. I think that I've been feeling it so much the last few weeks that this incident is just keeping the pain at the high level I've learned to function at. I feel like I've got some magical wall up to protect me from this pain. I know this is the heartbreaking kind. I have no idea where we go from here. I don't even know how to look her in the eye. I don't want to see what is there. How could she think so little of me and trust me so little.