The Road to Healing?

So my friend alluded to in the last post apologized to me. Things got too big and she disappointed other people she really respects with this, and was basically brought down to her knees in the situation. I'm not sure that she would have felt bad if there weren't other people involved. I think she would have. It's all so confusing. I don't know what all her motivations are. I feel like we can't be honest with each other anymore. There are too many things at stake for us. I can't tell her things about my feelings and my life because she has lost my trust. I don't trust her to treat my feelings kindly. I don't trust her to not use the information against me. She says she didn't mean the things she said in the outburst, but I don't know if I believe her. Those thoughts have to have come from somewhere. She seems to have a lot of unkind thoughts about me lately.

I'm so tired. I want her to notice how little she knows about me lately. Those nine kinds of pain I wasn't in last week, when I was in shock? I'm in them now. I think that seeing her today for the first time since the big blowup brought out my feelings of hurt, and I am realizing how deep she cut. I have this horrible, codependent way of always wanting to get rid of conflict and smooth things over, and say things are OK even if they aren't, so that everyone can be happy (except me, but I get a buzz off of others' happiness). This time I'm not allowing myself to be OK with how things went down. I've forgiven her, and I'm not angry, but I'm very hurt, and I've made it clear to her that we need to work through those issues, instead of me just ignoring my hurt and saying it's OK. This is all very foreign to me. I don't like it. I want to just say it's all OK. I want to just have happy conversations and interactions and forget about this. I want her to be comfortable, even though she hurt me so much. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, she cut a little too deep this time, and I can't just forget it. And, honestly, those who know what happened are keeping me accountable, because they have all made it clear that they think I would not be healthy if I just let this be swept under the rug. Nothing like some peer pressure to make you try to do things right. I don't like this. This feels like the hard way. I feel like we've been getting nowhere for so long, I'm scared to try to keep working at it. Trying to keep working at it got me here. She said horrible things. I was trying everything I could think of. I don't want to fight with her anymore. I'm tired of seeing that pinched look on her face, because I frustrate her so much and she dislikes interacting with me so much.

I love her so dearly. I wish that she could feel that way more often about me.