Is it Just Me?

I've realized recently a few things about me and compliments.

1. If I receive a compliment, I assume they are saying it to be nice, because they feel obligated. I think this partially stems from having a few friends who have to be very deliberate in complimenting me, because they don't naturally praise people a lot for one reason or another.

2. I do not find it to be a compliment when people tell me that I have improved, or that I have grown. At least not professionally. Because, um, excuse me, just because you are just now realizing that I rock at my job doesn't mean that I wasn't rocking before. Also, what big flaw did I have that was so terrible at the beginning.

It's funny that my brain works that way, because when I tell other people they have grown, and how proud I am, I do consider it a compliment. I think the reason I don't consider it a compliment for myself is that I have kind of these crazy perfectionist standards for myself, and if you noticed the flaw, and then I improved, I'm focused on how mortified I am that I had such a blatant flaw. Where did that come from? I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I know that this urge is especially strong where friends are in the picture. Because I have to be perfect so my friends will love me. Because if I irritate and upset them they will go away. Since I seem to keep losing long time friends, I'm having a hard time dissuading myself of this theory now that I've identified that it is an underlying motive for me. Life-long friendships seem to be a figment of my imagination. Everyone that I think i have a lifelong bond with either grows out of me, or I have to distance myself from them for the sake of emotional health--mine and theirs. My hope is that they will come back. But current friends tell me I should move on and not hope that. Because apparently that hope is not healthy?

I also realized the other night that I feel like my friends schedule time with me now out of pity or obligation. They are all so busy. They have other friends who are their best friends. They have significant others. It is an effort for them to schedule me in. Why am I not naturally just a part of any one's life? It didn't used to feel this hard. And I feel so unwanted. The thing is, I have plenty of friends who want to spend time with me, who text me and message me and check in with me and try to slow their frantic pace to connect with me. I know this. But I feel so alone. I've lost the people who would term me Best. That's not totally true. I do still have my BFF. But she lives 4 or 5 hours away. And she has a life. And I can hardly get hold of her on the phone, let alone see her. And I"m not a part of her everyday life anymore. I don't know if any of her friends have ever even heard my name.

Back to the compliment thing: I was compliment several times tonight. But the compliments were so conditional. I was better than I had been. I was frustrating but we had learned together. I must be really difficult. Others got glowing compliments from the same lips. I don't merit that, and I don't know if it's because sometimes it's harder to expose deeper appreciation of those we are closer to, or if it is because I have not grown to their satisfaction, and do not merit glowing praise because, despite how I bust my butt, I'm not quite at that level. And yet the compliment given was given with a mindfulness that I was not feeling validated and longed to hear that I was appreciated in a meaningful way. Why, when people know you really need to hear, is it harder for said people to give meaningful praise? What is that stubbornness? Is there something so wrong with me wanting to know that those I most respect and love respect and love me as much in return. Apparently the feeling isn't mutual?

Shame on ME

I guess the fact that I haven't blogged in here for over 20 days is a good sign, since I'm generally drawn to blog on here when I've having a tough time and am trying to process feelings. Trying to do the whole self care thing. Feel like doody tonight.

One thing I have realized about myself is that although I've been really good about talking about my feelings and looking for honest feedback about how I'm dealing with said feelings, there is a little hiccup. Once I've discovered that something I am feeling is a little wack-a-doodle, meaning that it's not the healthy response and not "normal," after a while I try to hide the fact that I am having said feeling from those same close trusted friends who helped me determine I'm over-reacting. Because I know how sad and insecure I really do look, and that the fact that I am insecure is evident to people. For example, Coolgirl got a new employee that will meet some needs I've been helping meet in the workplace. I helped hire her. I loved her in the interview, and I still do. But now that she's started, I'm having a knee-jerk panic-y reaction, because she is (and will continue to be) taking up her time, and therefore I am feeling like I have been replaced because I don't serve a function for her, and if she doesn't need me she's going to leave. As much as I can now identify that this is a central issue for me, I still continue to panic. I can't seem to help myself. I do calm myself down in what I suppose is a relatively short amount of time, since I can identify what the feeling is. But meanwhile I get all cranky and spastic and throw up walls and alienate Coolgirl, who has no idea what my damage is.

Normally Coolgirl would get out of me what I am freaking out about, but this week she's been so busy that it's been pretty easy to a) hide some of my freaking outedness, and b) avoid getting called on it, because we have not spent time alone, and she doesn't make time for me outside of work anymore, so calling me after work to check in doesn't even occur to her. She puts me out of her head as part of work when she leaves the office now. Which is the other part of my freak-out. That I don't factor into her personal life. That's not to say that we don't have a personal relationship, or that I don't believe and trust that she loves me like a close friend. It's just I'm in the work compartment of her life. She's too enamored with her not-so-new love interest to consider making me part of her outside of work life, because said Love Interest calls the shots on the agenda.

So I'm hiding these five-year-old gut reaction feelings; squirreling them away from view with an underlying feeling of shame. Shame for being so insecure. Insecure is not attractive. People don't like an insecure friend. That leads to clingy. Which leads to people running far, far away. And in this state of shame and insecurity, I don't see any way out. Talking about it would be stupid. She's not doing anything wrong, and she can't say anything she hasn't said the last 20 times we've had this conversation about my abandonment issues. And telling other people just makes me look stupid in their eyes, and they don't know what to tell me either, except that my expectations are too high, and my feelings shouldn't be hurt given the amount of time we spend together. These things I know. My rational part totally gets it. So I just want to keep hiding it and hoping nobody notices. It feels like the dream I have about showing up to High School naked. Except worse. Because it's like showing up to work naked. For reals. And not knowing how to fix it, and so hiding under my desk all day. That's how it feels.

i miss you

This was my status on Facebook today. And I decided to post it because it applied to so many people I've been thinking about tonight. On the way home from dinner with the family, I was thinking about the difficulty I seem to have right now defining friendship, and what a good friend is. And I realized that the reason I become so uneasy when I think about the topic, and the answer seems to allude me, is that I have, for most of my life, defined myself as a Good Friend. That is where most of my worth lies, in my mind. And as I have gone through changes with friends this last year, it has been very unsettling. In therapy, in my reading, and talking with a few smart friends, I have learned about Boundaries. As in the things you should set to maintain a healthy relationship. Who knew? Aren't boundaries like fences? And fences are bad with really close friends, right? Turns out not so much. Sometimes fences are what keep your friend from letting their dog crap on your lawn. Or something. Okay, somewhere that analogy took a wrong turn. But hopefully you can kind of follow what I mean there. It made sense in my head, and since this is mostly just my own therapy--this writing it all down and putting it Out There thing-- I don't care if it makes sense. At least not right now. Some day maybe I'll try to say it better. I'm sure at some point Dr. Phil has said it better. Google Dr. Phil and boundaries and see what you get. I'm sure it will be illuminating.

Anyways, since I've been setting some boundaries, I've seen a few friends leave my life. They're not far off--they're still my friends on Facebook. But they're not speaking to me. And any attempt on my part to mend things would result in them spewing more toxic feelings on me. Because they're not taking care of themselves, and they are too unhealthy to see or care how it impacts the people they love. So, since I can't help them, and they only hurt me, I've for the most part walked away. And that feels so against my nature. Because I'm the Good Friend. And to me that has always meant sticking with them through thick and thin. Loving them when they are prickly. And apparently prickly and toxic are not the same thing, and a few of my friends are beyond prickly now. So, as the Good Friend, who has always considered herself Loyal (and in fact often gets defined that way by friends), I'm a little freaked out here. Am I the Bad Friend???

So let's see, my definition of friendship before was: loyal, unfailingly faithful, no matter how tough things get, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, helpful.... That doesn't sound like a bad definition. So under that definition, I would stick with the toxic friend, even if they got a little painful to deal with. Because pain is just part of life, and you are growing when you feel pain, right?

Apparently somewhere I went astray. So what is a good friend? I still contend that a good friend is loyal, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, and helpful. And I feel like I am still those things. So why do I feel so empty? Do I thrive on the pain inflicted by toxic friends, like some sad little martyr?

It could possibly be because of my care-taking tendency, which is feeling sadly neglected right now. Because care-taking is bad? I think? I get great satisfaction in taking care of my friends and helping meet their needs. And I think my therapist told me that it's okay to do that, as long as you are not meeting a need that they could meet themselves. Because we should empower our friends to take care of themselves? But what if I just want to lighten their load? For instance, I had a friend move a few weeks ago. I offered my help, and she said no thank you. I was incredibly offended. I didn't say anything to her, but it really bothered me. And later, when she mentioned another friend who had helped her out, I was annoyed. Yes, this was one of her Best Friends, whereas I am a Good Friend. That's fine. They've been friends for years and I know this friend still values me. Also, she might possibly think I am too clumsy and/or flaky to be much help. But see, that's where she would be wrong because I am a FABULOUS mover. Just ask BF. I totally helped her family out. But the way I was raised, you aren't supposed to deny people the opportunity to serve you, because that robs them of the chance to be blessed for giving service. She was raised that you do things for yourself and don't wait for someone else to help you, but just get it done. I think that's part of where the issue lies. But as a friend, I feel kind of... useless. What is the point of me being your friend if I can't help you? Service is a good way to show your love. Actions speak louder than words. WHY WON'T SHE LET ME SPEAK??? How is she going to know I love her if she won't let me serve her?

The funny thing is, it's not as though I don't serve her. I do things for her all the time. Not the least of which is to listen to her when she is struggling with something, supporting her emotionally. Which is totally important. Friends do that. I'm a good listener. Shouldn't that make me a good friend?

Somehow friendship has lost some of it's luster for me recently. I feel unvalued, especially exiting my relationships with The Roommate and Red. I gave and gave and suffered and loved and supported and in the end got cussed out for being self-absorbed. So with them, it's impossible to be a good friend. That should be kind of comforting to reflect on. Because clearly they are crazy. And there's a reason that, one by one, friends have been dropping out of their lives. But I still love them. And I want them to see that. And I feel like I have failed as a friend. Because obviously I didn't fully grasp what a Good Friend was, or I would not have made such a mess out of it. So I feel like I must fix me.

Which I guess is what leads me to feeling like I don't know what a good friend is. Because I thought I knew how to be one, and in the end two of my closest friends informed me I was not a good friend. After years and years of friendship. And now I have friends who won't let me do everything I can to keep them as friends. Which isn't fair, because how am I supposed to keep hold of my friends if I can't show them constant and undeniable proof of my love. I'm supposed to trust them to trust in my love for them? Just like I'm supposed to trust them when they say they aren't going anywhere? Red used to say that. And now he wants to be done with me. Is there nothing I can do to bind myself to my friends? I love them so much.

And there it is. The root of this feeling of emptiness and pain. And there doesn't appear to be anything for me to do.

Worrying Some More

Today I did something to annoy Coolgirl and she called me on it. I was teasing her about something that she didn't find funny. It was one of those healthy normal moments in friendships where you tell your friend when something they are doing bothers you, instead of letting it fester or become a larger thing than it should be.

This is where my brain takes off with the situation and I go a little crazy. That was one small moment in an interaction this afternoon where I walked with her to her coffee shop. We had positive and fun conversation before and after. We parted on good terms when I left work for the day. And the second she told me the thing that was irritating her I had a little nagging part of my brain that popped into it's anxiety mode. While part of my brain responded maturely, and I said I was sorry and was glad that she had said something, the other part, which I didn't show, was freaking out. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't be the perfect friend. I can't be the one that doesn't irritate the people I love. And if I can't avoid irritating her, how long can this friendship possibly last? Because we have clearly gotten to the point where I am annoying. And that, in my distorted little mind, is the kiss of death to a relationship. Because once they realize all of my irritating qualities, it's only a matter of time until they see that those qualities outweigh the positive. She keeps telling me those qualities are adorable, and part of what make me who I am. Um, MORTIFYING. If my flaws make me who I am, I am doomed, right?

See, crazy brain.

So even though it was a little moment in an otherwise great day, I'm left with a slightly uncomfortable feeling of fear or anxiety. I'm worried she is realizing slowly that she doesn't want to let me in too much further. And that is why she doesn't have time for me outside of work, not the new love interest. And she probably vents about me at night. And I could hear her saying "and I finally had to tell her straight out, that's annoying, because she just wasn't taking the hint..." And all kinds of paranoid thoughts were going through my head.

Such a little thing and I can't let go of it. For her it's forgotten by now, I'm sure. I've already sent one text saying I am sorry I was so slow. And she will know it's because I tend to do what I have just described above. But because she has not answered me, I really want to send another text. And I don't know what I want to say. I just want to say something that will prompt her to answer me back because I am stressing about this, and hearing SOMETHING from her will help me feel better. But I'm not sure why this thing is what I am choosing to fixate on. I've been worried on and off the last few weeks, with all the emotion and drama (coming from me, because I've been crying over different things and stuff), and her impatience and frustration with me, that I really have been wearing out my welcome. And ultimately, she seems to be treating me the same. She still looks at me sometimes like I am pretty cool. And I still seem to entertain her. But I've gone through that with other friends. Where we still have moments of normalcy that reassure me, and then they seek distance from me. She and I have had conversations about this very thing. And she has talked to me about how i need to trust her when she says that she's not going anywhere, and that she will tell me when she has issues. And I do trust her. But (and I think I've said this before on here), what if it just hits her suddenly? It could sneak up on her too.

This is why it scares me when I have friends I love so much.

PS

Today was better. Coolgirl still loves me, of course. I did add stress to her week last week, and she was honest about that. I had a couple of snotty moments, for which she could have smacked me upside of the head but kindly refrained. We're okay now. And I know more about what is going on that is stressing her. Which helps me have empathy, and also inspires me to not add to her crap. Good news all around.

The Secret I Don't Get

I follow the postsecret blog. It's good stuff. I highly recommend it on the off chance there is still someone out there besides my mother who has not heard of it. I love that there are so many different kinds of secrets, and so many different things that people worry about and harbor shame over. In some ways, it can be releasing. I realize that some shame I am harboring is nothing compared to the thing some other poor soul has shared with the world on postsecret. It's really beautiful to see people reach out to each other, too.

One secret that I see a lot on there in one form or another, and that I have seen expressed in writing and on TV throughout the years, confuses me just a wee bit.That is the worry expressed by some mentally ill people that taking the drug will Change Them. Make them Less. While I can see how this might be true with specific illnesses, where the drugs they use to help balance them are harsher and do make larger impacts on their personality (I've seen this first-hand in my profession), I don't understand this fear for depression. Or even for bipolar disorder. That's not to say that the fear isn't justified, or that there aren't drugs who might make them feel "off." But I have never met a clinically depressed person, or a person with bipolar disorder, who was Better off the drugs. At least that I know of. Deeper pain does not always equal deeper joy. Deeper pain can be missed opportunity for joy, and it can mean fuzzy happy feelings instead of the brilliant joy you can discover when your brain is balanced and healthy. For myself, that is how I feel. I'm thankful for my medication adn there is nothing appealing about "toughing it out." There are just more tears, more angry moments, more moments of self-flagellation. How is that fun? I know everyone is different. I'm not saying my way of dealing with depression is the best way for everyone. But for myself, with my experiences, from my perspective, I don't get what is so beautiful about going unmedicated when your brain just needs a little chemical balance. Is it a suffering artist thing? I've met happy artists. They do beautiful work. That's just my thought for the night. For me, I choose to seek a healthy brain, and hopefully a healthy life.

The Inevitable Crappiness Afterwards

Because I was feeling so darn healthy, now of course things are going to pot. Coolgirl has been impatient with me, and work-wise some things have been going down that both surprised me and hurt. Apparently I am super sensitive, and Coolgirl has a hard time understanding why I am taking things personally. And I have a hard time understanding why it seems to irritate her so much that I am emotional about things. It's one of the most painful things I've gone through with her. I don't like it. She has not been cruel. She has had moments where I have felt she could be kinder. But she has been genuine in expressing her feelings. And she has been tender when she could. I know from the way we parted on Friday that everything will be okay with us. But it's been all weekend. She isn't answering my texts (which is common-she is self-admittedly bad about it), and I fill in blanks when I have too much time to think. Right now the blank I am filling in is that she wants a break from me. I am probably a little right. It was a long week at work last week and apparently, as she told me Friday, I was major contributing factor to that (not that she said it quite like that). She hasn't been online, and she hasn't answered texts. I think she is checking out from the world. I don't like being part of The World. I didn't used to be. See, this is where I get all crazy. Because this thought pattern goes over and over.

Feeling Fine!

I have this thing when I am really, really, not feeling good inside, where I can't listen to music that elicits emotion. It's like I have a sensory overload, and it's too painful. I wasn't always this way. The first time I literally had to turn off the radio (and really didn't turn it on for months) was after The Big Breakup with Red. This was back in the day, before his alcoholism had come out to show itself in all its lovely glory. He dumped me. It was heart breaking, in the way where heart breaking does not really describe how much it hurt. I listened to a lot of old men debate politics and talk about the things that make old men crabby (everything) for a while after that. I found it soothing. Possibly because my mom listened to talk radio when I was growing up and we were driving around running errands and such. To this day, generally SOME songs are too much for me, depending on where the sore spot is and what the drama is at that point in my day/week/month/year/life. Today, as I drove to my therapist's appointment, I realized something. My mood was so even and I felt so at peace that no song was stirring me up and making me all festery inside. For the last two days, I have felt light. I'm cured! Right? Isn't that what it means?

I know I'm not cured. I know I'll still have crappy days. I know that I will still have days where certain songs make me want to puke from the anxiety or sadness or fill-in-the-emotion of it all. But I also know I have broken through some layers and dropped some serious baggage. I am not carrying The Roommate's burden. I am not carrying Red's. And while I feel strange--I am not really sure who this is I have here inhabiting my body, because it doesn't quite feel like me-- I also feel free. Light. Relieved. And blessed. What I am left with is the most amazing, intelligent, loving, tender, supporting, funny, no-nonsense friends you could ask for. How am I so lucky? They make me feel like a pretty amazing person myself sometimes. Possibly someday I'll get to liking myself as much as they all seem to like me. Things are looking up.

Happy Day are Here Again

In the ongoing but soon to be ended drama with The Roommate, I finally told her that I am not renewing the lease. Although I gave her a full month's notice, she does not feel that was enough notice, she does not feel that is enough, and has requested I extend it a month. I've gotten many venemous emails from her with not so polite requests for different things. She downgraded the cable and didn't tell me until she had gone into my room and taken the box (after talking to me just that morning). I'm feeling a little bit violated. I know that she has gone into protection mode, and that she is hurting and this is her way of dealing with it. But it's very frustrating because I'm not doing any of the things I"ve done to hurt her, and I've been careful to be as respectful as I can in all our communications. She projects unkindness onto people, though. This I have witnessed. So in her mind I'm doing things to hurt her and be selfish and rude. When in fact I've tried very hard to treat her the way I would want to be treated. But this is part of why we shouldn't be living together anymore. I don't feel like I can ever be good enough for her. I'm always doing things wrong in her mind. And I shouldn't feel this crappy every time I have an interaction with a friend. Which leads me to believe we are no longer friends. And since she's going to be angry and hurt no matter what I do, I have kind of given up trying.

I did get to a place on Thursday (the day of teh cable incident), where I realized that I cannot carry her baggage anymore. I've tried to be a good friend, and I know I'm not perfect, so it may not have been perfect, but I did try, and still she cannot forgive for any of my stupid moments. I need, and have, friends who will support and love me regardless of my faults. Coolgirl helped me to realize that. If I do something stupid she tells me. But I don't feel that she loves me any less, even if there is a glint of anger in her eyes. She is still respectful, and does not intentionally say things to hurt me. She wants me to do better because she believes in me. Same with BFF and other friends I think of. But The Roommate expects me to fail because she believes in my flaws. And she is prepared to be angry and hurt when I do. That's not healthy. And I have nothing left to give her. It's just frustrating because I know how she is interpretting my actions, and in her eyes I'm still being rude, and "fighting" with her, when really I'm just trying to stay out of her way and keep the peace. There is no winning.

So back to the baggage. I have come to a complete understanding that I need to focus on my own happiness. I've known it in my head, and Coolgirl gave me a big peptalk/lecture the other day telling me I was driving her crazy because I was getting all twisted up over The Roommate's shenanigans, and letting her guilt me and upset me and ruin my days. And she was right, and I knew it. But emotionally I still was feeling guilty and disloyal for leaving her, and for not trying to repair the friendship again. Even though I have tried everything I can and I don't really know if it is fixable given her current expectations. I've apologized numerous times and beyond groveling I'm not sure what she expects. So I need to focus on all the good things in my life. Because my life is really good right now. I have a wonderful job, which I love. I work with awesome people, who make me laugh and teach me so much. Church feels so much better, now that I'm going to a different meeting, away from The Roommate and some of the other drama that was attached to my last one. I have AMAZING friends who want the best for me, and want to see me happy. Friends who have stuck with me through hours of agonizing and crying and anixiety and drama over The Roommate and Red. I have some of the most amazing, smart friends I have ever had. I am so blessed. So do I really want to spend my time at work, and with my friends, crying, or developing stress headaches? There's so much I'm missing. These are all things Coolgirl mentioned in her lecture. But I really, really, got it and accepted it emotionally on Thursday.

And Friday was awesome. At least after the sleeping through my alarm and being late for work part. I felt so much better. I gave myself permission to let go of the burden of The Roommate situation. That's not to say that it doesn't nag at me (see above), or that I have no feelings. But I've let go of the ownership of the problems. I know what I need to do. I need to focus on what is healthy for me, and be the best person I can be. That doesn't mean I have to hold onto friends that are not really friends. Because she doesn't do anything that a real friend would do. She can't. She needs to work on healing herself first. And I can't do it for her. So I'm taking on extra pain for... no reason. I'm finally convinced of that. And I choose happiness.

Cry, cry, cry.

I've been crying too much lately. One close friend suggested that getting a hobby was the solution. Coolgirl told me today that I need to relax. Um, really? Hmmm... hadn't thought of that. And now I have more flaws that my friends apparently see in me. Can't I just get credit for surviving all the crap this year? Because I don't want a hobby right now. I want an apartment. And I would like to know The Roommate is alive. She hasn't been home in a week and a half now. Haven't seen her in about 2 and a half weeks. I must be really horrible to be around.

Make Up Your Ever Loving Mind, People!

So my friends have been telling me that I need to deal with my emotions instead of just avoiding them. And then this week, some kind of traumatic things happened, and I've been trying to make sure I get down to the root of my feelings and figure out what is really upsetting me. I feel like I did a good job of that. And I do feel like I've been crying too much lately, but I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Also in the past I tended to avoid my feelings in order to avoid the pain and the crying and all that. So dealing with feelings is good, right?

Enter my friend who has been supporting me through all of this who is telling me I need to take up a hobby so I stop thinking about my problems so much. Um, make up your mind. I do not plan to fixate on these things, but I did need to make decisions (like the one not to live with The Roommate anymore), and you can't do that without thinking about your feelings, and there was some working through them to be done. I hate when people offer simple solutions without really stopping to think about what all the components are. Grr.

The Day After

I feel much more balanced and healthy and less weepy and desperate today. Love me a healthy day. Coolgirl took some time to talk with me this morning. I really appreciate when she identifies that I need a good talk. She emphasized with me that with both Red and Roomie that they are not really friends to me. They are not kind, they do not treat me well, they are not concerned about my feelings. They don't lift me up, they press me down. She made some good points.

I finally feel good and ready to talk to Roomie about not being roommates. Of course, she has not yet come home, or if she has, she snuck in. And maybe she's gearing up for the same talk. I would be a little surprised, but you never know. I am okay with telling her that I can't be her roommate anymore, though. I can't be happy living here, and it will not help preserve whatever is left of our friendship. It only causes me anxiety and stress to interact with her lately. Her passive aggressive way of communicating (or not communicating) makes it impossible for me to make any headway when I try to be her friend or resolve conflicts. I feel yucky when we interact now. I shouldn't feel yucky every time I talk to a friend. I also shouldn't feel like I am on a leash in my own home. I'm afraid to touch anything or say anything because she seems to become irritated with me no matter what I do (or don't do). I can't be in the position where I feel I have to live by her seemingly compulsive rules. She can maintain order for herself that way, but it only creates anxiety, not peace, for me. It will only continue to be miserable for both of us.

I'm a little frustrated that Coolgirl doesn't seem to see what I had always thought of as some of my greatest strengths (and other people had also identified as strengths). Specifically, my hesitance to let go of people I love. I have always considered myself very loyal, and others have pointed out that quality in me. Coolgirl seems to see it more as a weakness, where I put up with crap for too long. I do see that there is that other side of the coin. But if my loyalty is really a weakness, a manifestation of my Care taking tendencies, if you will, then what ARE my strengths? She has said in the past that it doesn't matter what she thinks. Of course it does. Of course I want my friends to see positive things in me. And it would be nice if they would tell me what they are. Because I'm at a loss a little here.

Meltdown

Today was the Great Melt Down. I've been waiting for it to happen. Thought the worrying and slightly ooky feeling was the worst of it. But, no. The worst of it came while I was standing in my office. I had already gotten through one emotional moment, where my emotional-ness was nicely covered by crankiness. I took a step back, realized I was about to rip some poor unsuspecting person's head off, and went and found a quiet place to say a little prayer, asking God to help me find perspective and not take my issues out on the lovely people I work with, and for me to not misdirect my hurt feelings towards them because it made me feel worse. So having redirected my feelings, I proceeded to melt down. And had to go hide again. Okay, didn't HAVE to, but chose to because I don't like to cry in front of people, and how mortifying to melt down at work. Also Coolgirl said something a while ago about how she didn't believe that I don't cry often, which mortified me. So now I have the urge to hide my tears from her whenever possible because she doesn't seem to appreciate me randomly starting to cry in her office. Plus I haven't cried as much lately, having sent the boundaries letter and taken care of that stuff. But I think this is the next wave.

This is the part where I have to really start realizing in a more real way that Red is fine with not seeing me. That I am not a priority. That his expressions of love were often, if not always, tools to get what he wanted. I have to acknowledge that he is okay with me hurting, and doesn't really have room in his head for thinking about any one's feelings but his own. I have to continually remind myself that I was not a good friend for taking care of him. And if that is true, doesn't that mean that I'm a bad friend? But not being the friend I have been for him feels like abandonment. Only somehow I"m still the one getting abandoned. Because I am not worth what I thought I was to him.

To coincide with all this loveliness Roomie is still not really speaking to me. I have Hurt her. She is a Victim. I am a Bad Friend. I'm still slightly irritated with her for making herself the Victim in all this instead of actually trying to communicate and feed our friendship and help it grow. But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm also feeling like a horrible friend. For being self-centered enough to back away from her because her codependency issues and her passive-aggressiveness were only hurting me. But I feel like I should have been a better friend. I should have told her. I should have had the guts to tell her that she was hurting me. Even though she wouldn't have heard it. Even though it would have just been another fight. Even though I have tried to in the past. I feel like I'm doing to her what my old BFF did to me. I'm abandoning her. I will say something, of course, and I don't want to end the friendship. But that is how she will view it.

I'm a bad friend. I'm losing friends left and right. I found myself having to stop myself from freaking out on Coolgirl today over every small perceived slight I have ever imagined. Then, having stopped myself, I sat crying silently in her office and not letting her in. I feel like she can only be getting incredibly tired of me and my waterworks. She has to be finally realizing how annoying I can be. This is the part where she will set boundaries to keep from getting too close to my drama. That can be the only explanation for her allowing me in her office but not engaging in discussing my feelings. These are the thoughts in my head. Coolgirl would quite possibly lose patience with me for them and point out the huge flaws in this path of thought. But it was all I could think today, and it felt too pathetic to voice it so she could help me see my erroneous thought pattern. I don't want her to think I'm pathetic. I think she already does. She has no patience for the way I hold onto Red and Roomy, and the guilt and self-flagellation. I feel like I need to address how I'm feeling. I just have a hard time finding the line between self-abuse and feeling your feelings.

My close friend who gave me the Codependent No More book is texting me and giving me all kinds of healthy thoughts. Like that I am not rejecting my friends, just their unhealthy behavior, and that I am not saying I won't be their friend, just that I can't subject myself to their toxicness.

:(

Red came and went, and doesn't seem bothered he didn't see me while in town. This from the guy that called me his best friend. Guess that was attached to conditions. Like borrowing money and crashing at my place. I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not. Mostly. Just sad. Hoping reality would not be what it was, adn that everyone, including myself, would be wrong. I love the idiot. And I don't feel like I can even say that anymore, because of the whole holding boundaries and not trying to caretake and all that junk.... Being healthy is lame.

The Part Where I want to Squish His Head

So my friend the alcoholic... I'm going to call him Red so I can stop calling him The Alcoholic. Anyways, Red just about drove me over the edge today. He's in town. Haven't seen him yet and it's been about a week. I know he is doing this purposely on some level, because in the past I've been the friend that freaks out if I don't hear from him right away, and if he spends times with others and puts me lower on the priority list. I know, crazy. I've finally simmered down. Haven't freaked out. However, he called me today, as I was nearing my destination on a road trip, about 4 hours from home. And he says he's leaving on Friday and can we get together tomorrow. Um, no. I'm far away. And you've had a week. And somehow it's my fault for not telling him that I would be out of town. Even though he didn't make it sound like he was on any kind of schedule. And he hadn't called, and I can't call him because he didn't have a cell phone. And I've asked several times what the plan is. But it's my fault for being unavailable. And then I see a message he left me on facebook (I was without computer last night) saying that he could come crash at my place and look at paring down his stuff then. Um, no, you can't. So either he hasn't read my letter, in which I very clearly stated that I cannot have him stay at my place anymore, or he's testing his limits. Also I've told him several times that I want ALL his stuff gone. I have one friend telling me that I should just throw it away. I don't want to have to be that person. Ugh. He makes me want to scream. And it hurts that he doesn't seem to care that he's not going to see me. I'm not sure if he's mad at me and deliberately punishing me, or if it's a little bit deeper and he hasn't identified that he is punishing me. But I'm pretty sure he's punishing me. And I was doing so well, but he drove it home today. Add on top of that the fact that I had a little blowup with The Roommate that involved me being self-centered and her being the victim (as usual) and I am a little agitated right now. I'm trying to be all healthy, because both relationships are not so healthy, and I am trying not to get sucked into the unhealthiness. But I definitely still have my inner harsh voice that is harder on me than any friend could ever be. And it is saying that I am a bad friend. I should have emailed him my itinerary last week. I should have sat down with the Roommate before the road trip and talked about how I've hurt her and how we can fix it. Neither of those things would really have solved anything, but I should have done those things. And the fact that I am human and that I mess up cannot relinquish me from my guilt. The Roommate doesn't accept that thoughtlessness can be forgiven, and obviously she has a valid point. Right?

Ack.

Pukey Feelings

The alcoholic friend sent me a message confirming that he did, indeed check his email. I had sent him a one line message on facebook telling him to check it, because I know he has been checking facebook, but I am not certain he's been checking his email. I didn't want to send such a lengthy message to his facebook inbox. So he essentially said he checked his email, didn't elude to what I said, and then commenced telling me what job he had lined up for the next few weeks and said talk to you later. Words like denial, manipulation, and scrambling for control come to mind. And I am all shook up. So I guess his mission was accomplished if that was his goal. Why did I have to check that message at 11:30 at night? I want to talk to someone but I don't want to wake someone up/ interrupt their happy Friday night. My counselor says that's me having control issues and that I should let my friends make the choice whether they have time to support me. We texted. I want to go lay on someone's couch and cry.

The Waiting Game

So I sent him the email. My alcoholic friend. I sent him a boundary-setting email. I had CoolGirl read it to make sure I was actually setting good boundaries and being healthy. She didn't like the first letter, which I kind of knew she wouldn't but it was kind of me puking my feelings out onto paper. She liked the second one. I feel good about the fact that I didn't rush into sending it. I felt as though this was a needed next step, and having him call helped me realize that I need to communicate now, because I can't step back into our relationship the way it's been in the past. I really have changed. I can't be the codependent friend anymore. I want and need to be healthy. I am mostly convinced now that I am being a good friend in addition to finally taking care of myself. I'm nervous about how he'll react. He might get really angry and cuss me out, or he might try to laugh it off and tell me I'm over-reacting. He might do a combo of the two. Or, there's a possibility that I will never hear from him again. I think the chance of the fourth scenario is fairly slim. I hate the waiting. But I'm surprisingly able to function and not freaking out too much. A sign of health or denial?

Freaking Out Freaking Out Freaking Out

Just got a call from my alcoholic friend who has been incommunicado since he's been up in Alaska all summer. It was brief, but he sounded good and sober and normal. I couldn't seem to make conversation with him, and we only talked for a few minutes. I'm not sure if he had limited phone time or if he gave up because I couldn't think of anything to say. I was asking him questions that I had been wondering. And now I feel guilty for not responding the way he wanted me to. Ah, the wonderful cycle.

Must write that letter tomorrow. He can't come back not knowing. I don't know if I can do this.

Why I Think My Insides Are Ugly

I've been pondering my insides a lot lately. Not so much things like my intestines and kidneys and such, but my soul. I don't believe I'm a bad person. In that sense it's not like I believe I have some kind of black soul. But I do seem to feel pretty deeply that I have a malformed, disfigured, hideous kind of soul. On many levels I don't believe this, but there seems to be a few deep down parts of me where this rings true.

This belief seems to rear its ugly head when I panic about my friendships. How can they keep wanting to be friends with me when I show them the ugly parts? Coolgirl has pointed out to me that she has shown me some of her flaws and that doesn't make me want to not be her friend, or view her as less. And it's true. With my very dear friends, I know about their flaws, and I know at least some of their deep dark secrets, and I've seen them when they are not at their best, and it only makes me love them more. But those things don't make them ugly. I try to take that experience (loving friends more deeply because of that deeper knowledge of them) and use it to gain perspective on how I can be lovable. But my brain pauses. Because that is different. They are beautiful inside. And I have no idea what good they see when they look at me, or what they might find to love. That's not to say I don't find things to love about myself. It's more that there seems to be a shadow over it all when I think about what they might see. I know my friends think I'm loyal, and Coolgirl has told me in the past that I'm one of the kindest people she knows. But then she also has pointed out that I am a caretaker and that isn't healthy... so that isn't good?

If all of my "good" traits are tied into unhealthy behaviors connected to my issues, then do I have any good traits? I wish I could work up the courage to ask Coolgirl what she loves about me, because I'm not really sure at this point what there is to love, since I've shown her so much of my ugly insides. How does that look to her? And why can't I put myself in her shoes? I'm usually good about seeing other perspectives. Apparently when that perspective is regarding me, I am blind.

The one place I have made some progress is figuring out what the point of friendship is when I can't keep them bound to me by their need. If they don't need me, they can still be committed to the friendship because of the love. Because that's the point of friendship, and what keeps those bonds strong. It takes work to keep love strong, but that's a healthy thing to focus on, instead of trying desperately to find a need to fill. That has been my epiphany this week.

Now my new question is this: what do they see in me to love? And why is that so hard for me to answer right now?

A Happy Moment

Just when I was beginning to question if I actually seek out ways to feel bad and just haven't admitted it to myself, I find myself feeling good for no reason, and feeling good about the fact that I feel good. I am fairly confident that I'm not seeking out ways to feel crappy, although I do have the habit of making choices that lead to me feeling like crap. Primarily, I don't communicate to my friends when things are bugging me. Or I don't communicate well, and so there is no resolution. But there's also the element where no matter what I do I still feel like poo. That does not help.

This week I have resolved conflict in healthy ways, and I'm not worried about anyone abandoning me. I would like to say that I have cleared a hump, but I know that I have more just cleared a wave. I'm sure there will be another panicky wave of feelings of abandonment at some point in the not-to-distant future. My hope is that I will continue to deal with them all adult-like. And hopefully at some point the waves will be fewer, far between, and ripple-like. I hope that's not an unreasonable expectation.

Next week may be different. I've decided to write a letter to my alcoholic friend, to warn him about my new boundaries before he rolls back into town expecting things to be the same as always. I really need to stop procrastinating on that.

Won't Somebody Love Me?

I'm feeling very isolated today. Everyone is either out of state, so wrapped up in their own problems I have long since come to terms with the fact that they can't/don't want to be a meaningful part of my support system (after lots of tears and trying), or... too busy, even though they have assured me they love me. But the evil devil on my shoulder, who seems to be a lot bigger and louder than the angel, keeps telling me that they've tired of me and/or don't want to/can't be my friend in a meaningful way, because I'm all toxic. I'm trying not to be all toxic. And the reality is people have lives. This is what some of them would say.

Also I haven't heard back from my alcoholic friend, to whom I wrote a letter. Not a deep profound letter or anything. Just a letter to him where he currently has a job, since internet access is not always an option right now. And so I'm wondering if he's gotten my letter, and it's bugging me, and this is the part where normally I would check with him, or send another letter, or something. But I'm not. And for the most part I'm okay with that. But on another level, I want some love right now, because I am feeling isolated. So I reeeeally want to recreate that intimacy that I feel from time to time with him, so he will come back all lovey, and I will feel, if only for a short time, like I'm not a loser with no friends, like I've been feeling. I've been really, really considering it. Which would horrify Coolgirl and my other pro-healthy behaviors friend who lent me the codependency book. But they're not giving me love. So what's the point. Yes, I have more rational moments, where I know that there is a point and it would be silly to go back now. But right now I just want a good hug. And he gives good hugs, in between insulting me and disrespecting me in every way imaginable. And I can't find anyone who has time for me, let alone who is in close enough proximity to give me a hug. Also, I don't like to ask. Why do I have to ask. I feel so lame. I really want a hug. Lots of hugs.

How I Found My Nose

I am currently reading "How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities." The funny thing is, I bought the book with my roommate in mind. She's seriously passive aggressive and has some really unhealthy relationship issues, and I have struggled with giving one of my oldest friends love without going insane from her manipulation. This book seemed to shout her name when I saw it on the bookshelf. I started to read it probably about a year ago. I got through most of the first chapter and then, as it often seems to go with any kind of book that might help me improve myself, I set it down and didn't pick it back up. I picked it up tonight, another year wiser, and focused more on myself than others. I've realized that it's more about ME dealing with things than it is about the porcupine. Go me. That sounds all healthy.

While I'm trying to really evaluate myself and how I can have toxic moments as well as healthy moments, I've realized that in the description of a toxic personality, my friend/ex-boyfriend fits 90% or so of the description to a T! I think I've blogged about him here. I would need to go back to see what his blog name is and I'm too lazy to do that right now. But the points is this: I realized some things about him that were right there in front of me. They are things as plain as the nose on my face! I've discussed them with friends, and identified them myself, but I've never quite defined them the way I just was able to.

He never, ever apologizes. Nothing is his fault. Everything becomes either my fault, his boss's fault, his family's fault, etc. I knew that on some level. But I literally can't think of ONE sincere apology from him. About anything. And having known him for the past 16 years, as a friend, then a boyfriend, then a friend again, you can imagine we've had some disagreements. The words "I'm sorry" may come out of his mouth from time to time, but the tone says, "I bequeath upon you my acknowledgement that you want my forgiveness." After the words I'm sorry, there is no discussion of him changing, or any real acceptance of responsibility. Somehow, with the apology, he also plants the idea that deep down, I must know that it's really my fault. And deep down, I told myself that I must try to be better.

He also has never fully given me his love. Even when we were dating, he used his love to maintain power. He would with hold it when he knew I was asking for it, and give it when he felt that would keep him where he wanted to be in my priorities and affections. He would give it when he wanted something, or to reward me for giving him something. I am a little sickened by that realization. But as much as these two things have become crystal clear to me in a way that I have never fully acknowledged before, I know I still have work to do. The way I know this is that there is still a part of me that is convinced that despite all the manipulation, deep down he really does love me. That I'm special. That he would not write me out of his life like all his other friends and family if I demanded more-demanded to be treated better. The rational part of me tells me that I will hear a lot of verbal abuse and receive a lot of punishment from him, in the form of all the things he knows will hurt me most if I try to draw healthy boundaries. But in my heart, I have a huge hope that my drawing boundaries will cause the huge awakening.

So basically I've got one foot out of dream land and I know in my heart that what I really want to do is pull it back in. But I know in my mind that I have to keep moving.

In case you are wondering, yes, he's an alcoholic. And one of the most unhealthy relationships of my life. I never realized how unhealthy until just now.

I'm a Giver.

Today I'm pondering my compulsion to make people need me. I'm a giver. Or, as it is termed, a caretaker. To me, that sounds like a very nice label. But apparently being a caretaker can also mean that you are crazy codependent. Like I said, I keep discovering new things about my flaws. I would like to stop these discoveries now. I have plenty to work on, thank you. Hopefully I've hit the bottom of the defect bucket here.

I have known for a while that I am a caretaker. I guess I just got a larger, better picture of what a caretaker was this weekend. I read the classic, Codependent No More. It's mostly aimed towards family and loved ones of alcoholics and people with other addictions and compulsions. I do have an alcoholic for a friend, and I definitely learned some things about how to deal with him. But I also found certain concepts in the book that resonated strongly with me that were part of me long before his alcoholism was part of my list of stressors.

I admit it, I really, really want to feel needed. To me, this has never seemed to be an unhealthy thing. I think where it becomes unhealthy is where I have myself convinced, in a deep down place that I'm not always consciously aware of, that if I'm not needed I serve no purpose as a friend. And if I'm not keeping them tied to me by filling an essential need, they are going to forget about me, or replace me, and leave. I can even look back on friendships and support this theory in a way that makes it hard to convince myself I'm not right. Mind you, my saner friends can tell me why I'm wrong. But I am currently not able to easily come up with a reason this thinking is silly. I know, in my more rational moments, that it is....

Ah, having consulted The Book, apparently it has to do with the fact that I feel that I am only worth something if I am caretaking. Also, apparently I dislike myself enough that I don't think it's right to take myself into account. Because, you know, that would be selfish.

So I had a really good, self-exploring weekend, where I read this book and took a mini-vacation that helped me remember who I am a little. And then today, returning home, my crazy self was here to greet me. I am struggling to remember the things I read in the book. But I did have a realization. Coolgirl is in a new relationship.That's not the realization, just hang with me for a second here. It's really annoying, because she's so distracted and has no time for me. Except that's not really true. In relative terms, she has far less time for me than she did Before. In my effort to learn how to communicate my feelings, I told her how I was feeling. I told her I was missing her, and really want some of her time. As a result of this and other conversations, she's been trying to check in with me with texts and emails, pretty much daily. She has made a point of fitting me in. She's still busy, and we haven't been able to spend the amount of time together that I would like, but for legitimate reasons. Here's where my crazy kicks in. My inner dialogue says, yes, she called me today. And texted me back. But why didn't she call me on Friday to tell me about her bad day, instead of waiting until Saturday? I mean, I only got a text on Friday, and she didn't mention her stress. Rational me will interject here and point out that, um, I am CRAZY.

But I actually got a step further in my inner dialogue tonight. Because, according to the aforementioned book, I should stop abusing myself so much for my feelings. I'm allowed to have them, regardless of if they are reasonable or not. It's identifying them, and figuring out where they come from that is key. So I should probably stop calling myself crazy. But that's a topic for another day. Instead of trying to find a way to make the yucky feeling go away NOW, I examined it. Look at me with the healthy moment. I realized that at least part of the issue really has nothing to do with how much time she is spending with me. It has to do with my fear that she's replaced me. She doesn't need me for some of the support she was going to me for before. Really, she is super strong and healthy and has loads of friends, so she doesn't NEED me at all. So the big mystifying thing to me is why we are friends. What does she get from it? I'm really stumped with this one. And I am really panicked. I catch myself trying to find ways to fill a need for her. And it hurts me when she doesn't need me. This is the part where it gets all tangley and confusing to me. Because, when you are having a bad day, don't you call your most valued friends? I would call her. I want her to want to call me. Sometimes she does, but it's almost more like she's trying to include me than that I am needed. For the most part now, she is calling me simply out of consideration for my feelings. She doesn't need anything. She just heard me when I told her how I felt, and she is being a good friend. It feels terribly lopsided to me. She's trying to meet MY need. But I don't have anything to give her. Because she is mostly filling her needs other ways. All healthy-like. So what is holding her to this friendship? Something seems to be. I have to say, in my less neurotic moments, when I look at all the conversations we have had about my feelings lately, and I realize that she not only listened, and gave much needed perspective, but she also HEARD me and adjusted her behavior accordingly, because my feelings are important to her, even if she thinks I need to calm down. From not making fun of certain things I'm sensitive about, to calling and texting me more when I know she's not typically one who would, she has been more sensitive to my feelings than I would have ever felt justified to expect. Which makes me adore her all the more. I know why I'm friends with her. She's amazing. I have no idea why she's friends with me. I do know that she told me I need to trust that she's not going anywhere. And I do trust her. So why can't I calm the heck down?

The Continuing Saga of Discovering New Things to Fix

So today I went to counseling and discovered that I have not finished discovering my issues yet. Apparently you can have more than one. But seriously, it was a good counseling session. We talked about the concept of confrontation, and how sometimes people avoid serious conversations about difficult feelings, putting the label of confrontation on those conversations. Really, conversations about deeper feelings between friends can be strengthening to the relationship. The difference is how you approach it. I could have approached Coolgirl the other day and said "You suck for not calling me back last night. Why didn't you take my phone call? You're so self-centered!" But I didn't do that, because she's not self-centered, and the real issue has nothing to do with whether or not she took my phone call when I wanted her to, and whether or not she called me back. The real issue was that I was worried that I was annoying her with my constant anxieties, and that as a result I was pushing her away. Had I approached her with the first set of accusations, I very well could have annoyed her and pushed her away. So self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

The question that I had for my counselor is how do I gauge when I've gone over the line as far as talking over my issues with my friends. Specifically Coolgirl, because the poor woman has taken the brunt of my panicky moments lately. Because she is a valued friend and a new friendship, I'm going through with her what I've gone through and not understood and so tried to ignore with other forming friendships. All the panicky "they are going to realize how crazy I really am and get sick of me feelings" are stronger in newer relationships, I think. I seem to have some trust that older friends won't leave me, not to say that I don't still panic over situations with them. What my counselor said was interesting. She doesn't think my gauge is haywire. She thinks I don't know how to gauge how much is too much with conversations like that, because I avoid having those conversations and always have. It's eery how pegged this woman has me.

So I am now learning what I probably should have been learning as an adolescent but avoided as much as possible. This is the part I'm going to struggle with: she told me to trust that my friends will tell me if I've crossed the line with wanting to talk these things out. That if I communicate openly with them they will tell me if I cross that line, and that is part of that learning process. I need to grow a gauge. My poor friends. She said Coolgirl is the perfect friend to be going through this with given her strong boundaries and patience because of her personal background. Poor, poor Coolgirl. But we also talked about how I need to stop deciding for my friends if they can handle supporting me and give them the opportunity to say if it's too much or be there for me.

This is going to be so hard. I feel so exposed. But I'm tired of feeling so sick. And this is supposed to deepen friendships. I like deep friendships. As long as they don't leave me.

Everyone's an Expert!

I had a reeeeally bad weekend last weekend. One of the worst weekends I've had in years. One of the worst weekends I've ever had. It was a stay-in-bed weekend. A weekend where you wish you had the flu instead because that would be more comfortable. Because my heart felt like it was tearing, and I was aching for connection, but unable to ask for it, let alone accept it when offered. I didn't go to church. I cancelled a dinner with my parents. I didn't admit to anyone how bad it was until the end of a very long day in bed on Saturday.

Everyone seemed to know what would fix it all. The fact that I was not at all persuadable speaks to how bad I was. I couldn't be talked into going to church the next day. I couldn't be talked into having dinner with my parents. My close friends knew that this is where I should be on Sunday. They knew I shouldn't be in bed. I knew I shouldn't be. I just didn't care. I didn't want to be around people. I was too low to hide how low I was, and I didn't want to show that to anyone but a few close trusted friends. Unfortunately that one on one time was not an option right away. Not to say that they didn't worry, and try to help me, and offer solutions. What I wish had happened, and what would have happened in a simple world or another life, is that someone would have dropped everything and come to me. Because what I really needed? A hug. Still haven't gotten that one. I suck at asking for hugs. Yes, where I was at was my choice. But I was at a place in my head where I had stopped caring. And interestingly enough, at least one friend seemed irritated with me for that choice, almost overshadowing her concern. Maybe that had to do with the belief that I was much too strong to be so easily hobbled. Maybe it was a belief that my predicament was an attempt to manipulate for attention. I don't know. I just know that between that and the response of a friend who was pushing me to see my counselor this week like she was about to put me on suicide watch, I felt kind of misunderstood. Yeah, apparently communication is not as strong a point for me as I thought it was. Great. More stuff to fix.

Apparently It Never Ends.

The communicating, that is. I have been having a hard time the last week or so, partially because Coolgirl, who is very much an important person in my life now, has been quite distracted by a love interest. This has meant that she has not been talking to me and needing me the way that she was before this popped up, which is not to say that we don't talk practically daily and often spend time together at work (doing work-ish and non-workish things). As we have very well established, I worry about friends leaving me, and this worry has been very much at the forefront of my mind the last few weeks, not just because of Coolgirl but because of other friends as well. I totally thought when I finally pinpointed the center of my anxiety, I would instantly not be as panicked and quickly become less crazy. Turns out that's not how it works. I've been panicking, and the fact that I can identify the craziness of it, and the pattern of it doesn't make it any less painful or debilitating. So I have talked with Coolgirl some more.

I feel like I'm being so tiresome, bringing it up again and again, and telling her that I want her attention again and again. She says that it's not a big deal, and that I'm uncomfortable with communicating about it because it's a new thing for me. But I still can't quite dissuade myself that deep down, this is impacting the way that she views me and ultimately it will convince her that our friendship has gone deep enough and doesn't need to become deeper, thank you very much, crazy lady. I hope that's not what will happen. She assures me she won't be going anywhere, and I believe her. But I also know that people change, and their feelings about their friends change, and someday she COULD wake up and realize that I am way too much drama, and that it's not worth it. She COULD cut me out of her life. I know this because I've had a deeply trusted friend do essentially this. I do not believe that Coolgirl is that type of person., not even deep down in my crazy place. This insecurity feels so ugly and juvenile and gross that I AM deep down convinced that it can't feel good to be close to such ookiness. Whatever I may know on other levels, I don't know how to change that thinking. I feel like I am oozing these toxic feelings, and there is no containing them.

I can't seem to find perspective on this. I feel like I talk about this and think about it too much. But at the same time, I feel like I am making progress because I am finally identifying the root, or something close to the root, of my feelings. And I know that I have to keep thinking about it and talking about it to understand it. And I THINK that if one of my friends was talking this out with me I would not be bothered to hear about it over and over again, and I would be happy to see them making progress. But at the same time, I wonder if it's asking too much to expect a friend to have conversations over and over again about how their innocent, normal, justifiable actions are bringing out feelings of pain and anxiety. I have been trying to emphasize with her that I don't blame her, and am not saying I think she needs to change or is in any way failing me as a friend. I hope that she believes that I believe what I am saying. I know that a lot of this is about me figuring out how to deal with my feelings and communicate like a grownup and not get all paranoid and hyperventilate-y inside. I would really like to be at that happy place. I'm tired of being in this place. So why can't I just decide to be there? To be normal and sane and not spinney in the head? I find this part annoying. I would like to be all better now. I would like not to be the crazy friend.

Mother of all Anxiety Attacks

Had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. I didn't really identify it as one fully until the very end. It was triggered by something that happened around noon and it continued until about midnight. I cried so hard at the end that I have sore crying muscles in my chest and stomach. I figured out near the end that I was feeling like crap for some very specific reasons. It was, I realized, based on a feeling of panic due to fear of abandonment. Still can't figure out why I have such a deep fear. I mean, I can think of different things from my adolescence on, but what started this irrational panic I have?

The feeling of panic I was feeling due to the perceived abandonment was exacerbated by the fact that I couldn't get hold of any of my friends. Coolgirl was having a crappy day herself, and my BFF was too stressed out and made it pretty clear (via text) that she did not have time to chat yesterday. She would have found a way to make it work had she realized the condition I was in, as would Coolgirl, but of course I shut down and isolated because I don't want to be a nuisance to my friends. Because, you know, they might get sick of me and leave.

Even writing about the feelings I was having yesterday is making me feel a little bit sick right at the bottom of my rib cage. Usually with anxiety I feel it in my heart (and I mean my emotional/spiritual heart, not the organ, if that makes sense). With this anxiety, it seems closer to my gut, and I swear I felt something ping last night when I started realizing what it was that was hurting me. I'm delving into deep feelings. And I don't understand why they impact me so deeply.

Coolgirl asked me what I was going to do for "self care" tonight. I am lying on my bed watching TV. Or staring into space. I alternate. I don't think that's what she meant. I should read or something. Writing is self-care, so at least I can tell her I did that. But I kind of just want to be numb. And doing more than lying here staring at the TV or space makes me think, which makes me not numb. I don't like it.

Mental Health is for the Crazies!

One of the things I have learned through my struggle with depression is how silly people can be about mental health. We can talk about having healthy teeth, healthy breasts, healthy feet, healthy skin, and people will go to their doctors if they observe symptoms that indicate illnesses of those parts of themselves. But mental health? Only crazy people have to check on their mental health. Because, you know, the majority of us are unquestionably healthy, and therefore don't need to even assess for symptoms. Because crazy is so obvious. And, you know, there's crazy and not crazy.

I have friends who struggle to understand my mental illness. Some tell me I just need to buck up, or go let loose, or some similar brilliant strategy for "feeling better." Some say they don't understand, but they believe that it is a struggle for me, and they continue to try to understand. Some commisserate and compare medications with me. The most frustrating to me are the friends who "try" to understand, but in their heads think that I might be using this depression thing as a crutch to explain bad days. And heaven forbid I suggest they or another loved one might be a little depressed. Because, you know, they don't sit and cry for hours. And all those other symptoms that I have explained to them apparently apply to the crutch category. Are those friends really trying to understand? Or are they just wishing I would change the subject? Because, you know, mental health is an uncomfortable subject. So it must not exist. If only that worked for bills.

So. Tired. Communicating. Hard.

I finally unstuck my tongue (or really my texting fingers, since verbalizing my feelings was far beyond my reach but I was desperate to put the words out there) and told Coolgirl that I was hugely and irrationally panicked about our friendship and losing her. She is truly an amazing friend. She called me right after she read my three page text admitting what great fear I had that the luster was gone off me and our friendship was doomed to fail since I am so flawed. She did not roll her eyes and tell me I am fine, but told me she was not going anywhere, reassuring me that our friendship is deepening, and that she thinks I am an extraordinary friend. I'm not going to lie, I still have some underlying panic. But it's out there now, and she knows it's an issue, and has helped assure me that I have nothing to fear. And she is very good at identifying my anxieties once I have named them to her and she helps drain the life out of them when they pop up.

I don't think she knew quite how painful it was for me to communicate this one until she called me and talked to me for a minute. I was very quiet, having cried enough I was all choked up. It took her a few minutes to realize I was crying. The typing of the text took a while because I kept crying so hard I would have to stop, wipe the tears off the keyboard, and clear my eyes so I could see the buttons. This seems to be one of my deepest wounds. It literally takes my words and my breath away. I feel so much better now that I have brought it further out into the light of day. It's still there, but it's not quite as ugly out in the open, and I'm hoping the light will help shrink it.

The amazing way she validates my feelings and helps me feel like a highly valued friend is one of the reasons I love her so much. It's also why I feel this suffocating fear of losing her friendship. Because friends like this don't come easy or often. And they are the most painful to lose. I know. I pray I will never lose her.

Insecurity, you annoy me. Go away.

The last few weeks I have come to understand more and more that my fear of losing friends is taking up a little too much space in my brain.

In a previous post I discussed my fear of abandonment, and even how I could feel it taking hold even as I was enjoying my deepening friendship with Coolgirl. She is truly a "kindred spirit," if I can borrow a phrase from Anne of Green Gables. You would never supposed when looking at the two of us, and comparing our life stories and current life situations that we would make such a deep connection. But she really has become one of my most valued friends. We have connected on so many levels. She understands me, and I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of her. I can tell her anything without fear of judgement. Recently I have felt myself panicking more and more that she is, in fact, realizing how terribly flawed I am, and that somehow this will cause her to reassess me and realize that the things she valued about me were in fact based on misconceptions. I felt intense fear, for example, when she expressed annoyance with me for laughing at her when she was angry. She did nothing more than be honest with me, and normally I would have felt contrite, apologized, and been more mindful of her feelings when she is frustrated with something. Instead, I was in tears. It was over the phone, so she didn't know the extent of my reaction, which I am grateful for. No need to let her know quite how crazy I am, right?

I have not been able to find a way to express to her what is going on in my head. On the one hand, I think, she doesn't need to know. I can work through this, and really, it doesn't have so much to do with her, as it has to do with me and my insecurities in regards to holding onto friends. The last thing I want to do is convince another friend I am clingy. On the other hand, I think she might possibly be the safest friend I could ever talk about this with. She has never told me my anxieties are silly. She gets how real anxiety can be, and she helps me see reason. My feelings are safe when I express them to her. So maybe in talking to her about this panic I feel, I can find the key to resolving my issue.

I tend to lean towards talking to her about it. Except that every time I think about talking about it, I realize that this is actually one of my deep dark, ugly feelings. It touches a deep nerve. It is humiliating to admit the desperation I feel about losing friends. She knows about some of the friends I have lost, either through a true end to the friendship or a geographical separation. She even, as before mentioned, knows about my abandonment issues. So this probably wouldn't be a huge revelation. So what am I so scared of telling her? What doesn't she already know? She doesn't know how ugly I sometimes think I am inside. She doesn't know how much I really hate myself sometimes. There are many parts of me that I love. Most of the time. But I feel like there is an ugly part that is scarring my soul, somehow. I'm not sure I can even put into words what it is that is so ugly. But I think I might be convinced, somewhere deep down, that other people can see the scar.

My counselor asked me how old I feel when I have those kinds of thoughts. I think I feel about 12 or 13, which would make sense, since one of my first, deep, meaningful friendships came to an end around that age, after many days of panicky feelings that I was annoying said friend. That particular friendship, she actually was reinforcing those feelings. In fact, often she would become angry out of nowhere. The adult me knows that my friends now don't do those things. But I still panic. I need some outside perspective, and I wonder if Coolgirl could help give it to me. Too bad my tongue becomes paralyzed every time I get the chance to tell her what is going on in my brain. And I'm still not sure I can explain, even after putting it into words here. I'm tired of this. I would like to not stress about this anymore. Can I be done?

One Thing I'm Thankful For

I do look on the bright side, believe it or not. I'm generally a glass half full kind of girl. This blog is a place where I give myself permission to be honest about the other half of the glass, which is, after all, empty. I may not like the person I look like on this blog, but it's easier to examine myself when I've gotten it out there. With that said, I would like to follow up my blog from yesterday, which was written from a place of despair and frustration with a moment of gratitude for where I am.

A year ago, I was unemployed and terrified. I did not know what I wanted to DO. It's really hard to look for a job when you are not really sure what your plan B is. I wanted to work with children, and the way in which I wanted to do so was not an option. Fastforward a year. I am so blessed to have been laid off. I learned so much about myself, through all that harrowing soul searching. And I have learned even more since I got my job. I never expected them to call me, let alone hire me, when I sent in the application. I can only conclude that God was guiding me. Or carrying me. The friendships I have gained, the knowledge I have acquired, are so far beyond anything I could have hoped for. It's not just that I've gained knowledge. It's that the knowledge that I have gained has enriched me and inspired me. Any good job should teach you things. This job is an amazing job, since it is teaching me things that will make me a far better person than I would have dared to strive to be. As hard as some days are, I am almost always happy to be going there, and I am often not in a hurry to leave. My work is meaningful, and it helps keep me sane.

Exhausted

Just when I thought I was all healthy and dealing, two things happened. I went to my counselor, and I got my period, thereby sending all kinds of loopy crazy hormones to mess with my body.

Turns out I have no stable part of my life right now. Within the last year, I've lost a job, gained a job, had stressful, crazy times with my roommate, changed where I go to church, and helped my parents move out of my childhood home. Also other things. Yay for instability. Have I mentioned that change stresses me out? So having identified that, and having crazy woman chemicals surging through my body, it is no wonder I feel exhausted right now. I have spent so much time trying not to be a crazy person and alienate my friend Coolgirl, who is the lucky duck who spends more time with me at this point than anyone else in my life, seeing as how we work together AND conversate about non-work topics outside work time.

One thing I have not talked to the counselor about recently is how much I worry about Coolgirl realizing how clingy and crazy I am and running far, far away. Or as far away as she can, given the proximity of our offices. She keeps insisting I'm not crazy, but I'm thinking that might be just because I've been hiding the crazy well. The clingy part I used to think was there because my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend (her choice, not mine) would put that label on me. Two people is a pattern right? Deep down, honestly, I'm convinced I must be clingy, and I feel this desperate impulse to hide that from friends I start to grow close to. I've outgrown that impulse with a few close friends who have accepted me as family, but I'm not there with Coolgirl. Even though she's more often then not the one calling me. I'm truly, honestly convinced that any day now she will see how flawed and tiresome I really am. She assures me that she finds me neither moody (which I totally was today), nor crabby; neither annoying nor crazy. I believe her when she says it, because she is genuine and I trust her. But deep down I simultaneously don't believe her. I don't dare to. I am afraid.

My counselor says she hears a recurring theme in my different anxieties of a fear of being left behind or forgotten. Abandonment issues, Coolgirl says. Why am I afraid of being abandoned? Maybe because my ex-best friend who I thought would be there forever seemingly suddenly wrote me out of her life? But I was "clingy" in her eyes long before then. I was already worrying about being abandoned. What is my damage?

I think I'm afraid Coolgirl will leave me. She's too important to me. So I'm afraid of how much I love her and value her friendship. I am afraid of how deeply I trust her and how much I've confided, and how much it would hurt to lose that friendship. Why do I expend energy on this? Because if we were no longer friends I would be heart broken. And I anticipate heart break.

Keeping My Cool

I am proud to tell you that my roommate is still not speaking me and I am NOT experiencing significant anxiety. That is not to say that I'm not sad. I am. She seems to have decided to avoid me for an extended period of time. I'm not sure how long she thinks she can do it, but so far it's been almost a week. My schedule is consistent enough now she can do it for a very long time if she's really determined. I have decided that I can't feed into her issues with codependency by staking her out. She knows where I am. She knows my door is (literally) open. She knows that I always want to talk things out. I apologized (via text, since I knew she was avoiding me) and she didn't answer. I can't let myself get stressed over her passive aggressive behavior. On the one hand I am quite proud of myself. I feel healthy and right about the efforts I have made and the boundaries I have drawn. But on the other hand, I'm sad. She is so mired in her own personal issues that she is willing to sacrifice our friendship. I almost think it is imperative for her to do so at this point in order to "prove" some things to herself and protect herself from... life? I'm not really sure that she knows exactly what she is so afraid of. It breaks my heart that I can't help her. Because, as CoolGirl pointed out to me the other day, I'm a caretaker and a fixer. But I can't fix her. And I'm finally at a place where, at least with a few of my friends who are really having a hard time, but who have not begun to advocate for themselves, I've accepted that I need to not try to own their problems or the responsibilities for the solutions. And let me tell you, what a relief.

Unhealthy People Causing Undue Stress

My roommate is mad at me. Yes, I had a thoughtless moment. But it was fairly minor in the scheme of things, and she chose to essentially cuss me out via text because I hurt her feelings. I apologized, via text, and now she is ignoring me. She doesn't know how to express her feelings in a healthy way, and I am generally the target since she has no other close friends. I am thinking that this lease term will be our last lease term. I'm not doing her any favors by allowing her to have this hold over me, and I feel very much like I'm in an unhealthy place today, since her silent treatment means I can't find peace in my own apartment. Her disproportionate anger over any perceived injustice is exhausting. She needs to get counseling, and I've told her this over and over. She is too busy hiding from reality to get it set up. I'm frustrated and stressed, and frustrated that I am stressed.

Control Issues

So I finally started seeing a counselor. I think I might have mentioned that before. I can't remember. It would probably help if I posted more than once a month. But one of the things she pointed out to me is that I feel secure when I have control over my environment.

Today was an insecure day. I did not have control. There was criticism of the way I do my job at work, and a meeting that did not go as expected. Fortunately my boss is supportive of how I do my job. So that's a plus. But I was feeling that same stupid feeling that I will never succeed in my new responsibilities at work. This was the irrational part of my brain. The negative sounding side of my brain. The other side of my brain assured me I will rock this job so hard they will make me the queen of the universe. Or, you know, whatever is just above my current position. But, in order to gain what control I might over my environment, I cleaned. First, I cleaned out my email inbox. Then, when that failed to bring satisfaction, I cleaned my office. There were stacks of files and piles of stuff in my office that have been begging to be dealt with all week. That at least helped me feel a semblance of control over my job by the time I went home. Hopefully as a result tomorrow I will be able to focus to get some real work done.

The Rollercoaster that is My Mind

Life is pretty good right now. That said, I've experienced a bit of rage and the urge to throw myself down and have a tantrum at work this week. This is because of several different parts of my life.

There's the part where I've been experiencing change at work, including transitioning from an old boss to a new one. I think I will be much happier with my new boss. My old boss, who technically has no authority over me, but is still around, is doing her best to drive me completely insane before she can bring herself to let go. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assure myself that she is generally not ACTUALLY trying to make me feel small and unskilled and slightly numb-skulled. Coolgirl takes a less charitable view of her and instead sees her as conniving and possibly the spawn of Satan. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But there are days I think Coolgirl's view of things is more accurate. Today is one of those days. After all, Coolgirl is a pretty good judge of character. Old bosslady has succeeded in not only making me feel slightly inadequate, it appears she has little minions among those I work with who are reporting back to her. I am forgiving of many things in life. Two-facedness is a challenging one for me. It's too much like a lie. Really, it is deceit, which is a form of lying. I've gone through several really good moods, and then moments of wanting to seek old bosslady out and bludgeon her with something sharp and painful. To the pain, not the death, mind you. I assure you that I had valid reasons for these moods, and am quite proud of myself for having a fairly good day despite the moments old bosslady managed to orchestrate.

There's the part of my life where my best friend, or one of my best friends, seems to be irritated wiht me. I might be totally jumping to conclusions here, considering I am inferring tone from texts. It could be all in my head. But I swear she is deliberately shutting down my venting. Which would mean it irritates her. But I don't vent that much to her. I swear. Just the normal I hate my boss today stuff. Just when I was thinking I need to spend more time with her. Maybe I don't? Or maybe I'm just crazy and there's nothing going on there and she would love to spend more time with me. I think my counselor would say to wait until this confusedness clears up and THEN make a decision. Wouldn't she? I don't know.

Fortunately there's also the part of my life where Coolgirl tells me that old bosslady is crazy. Because an amazing friendship has blossomed between Coolgirl and I. So at least I know that amidst the crankiness, there is someone excited to see me every day.

Replacing Poor Support for Great Support

I have been MIA for a while, although I've posted many posts in my mind. While I find blogging here therapeutic, I also experience immense apathy when contemplating posting. Because it's out there on the Internet, people I don't even know can judge me. How tiring. But also, how liberating, because I don't know you, one reader.

I just want to clarify. I have had long conversations with my roommate about my issues, my need for support, my feeling that there is a lack of listening and empathy, and what I would like for her to do. It doesn't help. Everything is still all about her drama. The good news is that she is finally at least making a phone call to get counseling. Whether that actually leads to an appointment is another question. But the other good news is, for the most part, I am consciously making an effort to look for support elsewhere, and recognize that she is incapable of giving me the support I need. Because she has some serious issues. And while I love her, she can be very self-centered. But she probably says the same thing about me.

I've gone through some serious lows in the last month. Anxiety is my sworn enemy. I have a job right now that I, for the most part, adore. It's satisfying emotionally, and I have made some good friends there. I work with some amazing people, and have learned so much from them. One day a few weeks ago, for no reason I could pinpoint, I had one of my worst anxiety attack. Compared to what others go through, my attacks are generally pretty low scale. This one really sucked. Usually it starts with a specific thing that my brain can just not let go of. This time not so much. It was everything and nothing. I hated everything about myself, felt incapable, and yet could not pinpoint a way I was incapable. I felt like my office was closing in around me. Panic, panic, panic. I felt icky. Usually I can talk myself down and tell myself to get a grip, but my heart just beat faster, and I could feel the irrational panic mounting. Fortunately I was able to identify a safe place. I got myself up out of my chair and marched myself down the hall to my friend's office. We'll call her CoolGirl, because something about her personality soothes me.

Anyways, CoolGirl welcomed me into her office and knew right away that something was up. The thing I love about her is that while she picks up on my signals (and let's face it, I wear my heart on my sleeve), and makes it clear she sees, she lets things be without dismissing them. What I mean to say is, I didn't feel like she was dismissing my feelings because I didn't voice them right away. She just let things lie and waited for me to tell her. Meanwhile she soothed me with her chitchat and made me feel safe. She's only a few years older than me, but I want to be like her when I grow up.

We now have an understanding. It doesn't have to be an emergency. In fact, it doesn't have to be anything. We are friends, and I am welcome to come sit in her office whenever I need to be there, whether she is there or not. She gets me in a way that hardly anyone ever has. She reads me well, and I think I read her fairly well. She doesn't try to fix anything for me, although she would help if I needed something and asked her to. She doesn't make me feel like a freak. In fact, she sees tons of positive attributes in me.

I've realized in the past month that I need to stop investing my emotional well-being in friends I badly want to hear my pain who refuse to, and instead seek support to the ones who love me and are there for me without fail. This is one of those things I think most of us get on a certain level. It's talking my sometimes irrational emotional self into remembering this concept. I think I might have succeeded, finally. I am (mostly) done being offended when my few emotionally crippled friends can't or refuse to give me support. I have fabulous friends, who consistently do give me support, and listen to me over and over again if I need to keep talking about the same thing. I have had to back away, in my heart, from a few friends. I still love them, and support them. But I can't spend time obsessing over their crappy friendship skills. I instead accept their limitations. It mostly works. Because really, if I think about it, and obsess about it, and can't stop complaining about it, then really, I'm making my life crappier over friends that aren't that great of friends right now. See, when I say it, it sounds obvious. But my heart is having an epiphany. You know what I mean?