Won't Somebody Love Me?

I'm feeling very isolated today. Everyone is either out of state, so wrapped up in their own problems I have long since come to terms with the fact that they can't/don't want to be a meaningful part of my support system (after lots of tears and trying), or... too busy, even though they have assured me they love me. But the evil devil on my shoulder, who seems to be a lot bigger and louder than the angel, keeps telling me that they've tired of me and/or don't want to/can't be my friend in a meaningful way, because I'm all toxic. I'm trying not to be all toxic. And the reality is people have lives. This is what some of them would say.

Also I haven't heard back from my alcoholic friend, to whom I wrote a letter. Not a deep profound letter or anything. Just a letter to him where he currently has a job, since internet access is not always an option right now. And so I'm wondering if he's gotten my letter, and it's bugging me, and this is the part where normally I would check with him, or send another letter, or something. But I'm not. And for the most part I'm okay with that. But on another level, I want some love right now, because I am feeling isolated. So I reeeeally want to recreate that intimacy that I feel from time to time with him, so he will come back all lovey, and I will feel, if only for a short time, like I'm not a loser with no friends, like I've been feeling. I've been really, really considering it. Which would horrify Coolgirl and my other pro-healthy behaviors friend who lent me the codependency book. But they're not giving me love. So what's the point. Yes, I have more rational moments, where I know that there is a point and it would be silly to go back now. But right now I just want a good hug. And he gives good hugs, in between insulting me and disrespecting me in every way imaginable. And I can't find anyone who has time for me, let alone who is in close enough proximity to give me a hug. Also, I don't like to ask. Why do I have to ask. I feel so lame. I really want a hug. Lots of hugs.