Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.
I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.
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i am stranger as you can understand.i just wanna ask something.i live in so much unrelated country with you and i accidentaly saw this window and read what you said.and now i am writting a comment.the question is that why am i writting a comment to you.can you answer?
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ReplyDeleteI feel like writing here once to say that I am someone new that will be following your posts from now on. I don't feel like saying much but that I understand, personally understand, some of what you go through, and that it helps me to understand you a little better to help me understand my own life, if only just a little. Whatever you can get from where ever you can get it because it's needed, ya know? Take care, keep writing here if it helps.
ReplyDelete--- Mike