Fleeting Moment

I had a brief moment of honest connection with a friend today. She has been so wrapped up in her own life, and of course assumes there is nothing to know about mine. Today I had a moment of letting her see the raw despair I feel. She asked if I was ok. I am not really sure what I said. I don't even know how I deflected, but I think I did pretty quickly after that. There's a part of me that thinks that this is sad. There's another part of me that knows that honesty about where I'm at will not get me the soothing support that I wish for. She would tell me how I need to do things differently. How I need to try harder at counseling. That it will get better. That I need to stop holding onto negative crap. In other words, she will miss the point, and the honesty, of the moment. I don't need her to tell me how she sees me, my life, or life in general. What is the point of that? I mean, don't get me wrong. I would like to have her tell me all the amazing truths she sees about me. I would love it if she saw amazing truths in me. All she has shown me lately is ugly truth she sees in me. And how she has no faith in me. She loves me, but I'm so immensely flawed and in her mind I just need to embrace how horribly flawed I am and pretend it's beautiful. She doesn't even think my flaws are beautiful anymore.

I miss that friendship. I hate the restricted little box she has placed our friendship in. She doesn't even see how she is strangling our friendship. She doesn't get what friendship can be. How nourishing it can be. Any real connection is too much for her, at least for more than brief beautiful moments. And I have no power at this point. I feel like I'm just a bystander, witnessing as the life is choked out of any good part of our relationship.

I wish I were stronger. I wish she were stronger. I wish I were brave enough for a little honesty right now. I wish that bravery would not equal stupidity. I hate that this passive, awful place I'm in is what people like my counselor and my boss think is prudent and wise. Stupid. What is the point of being this person. I think I may have lost the things I love most about myself.