Life is pretty good right now. That said, I've experienced a bit of rage and the urge to throw myself down and have a tantrum at work this week. This is because of several different parts of my life.
There's the part where I've been experiencing change at work, including transitioning from an old boss to a new one. I think I will be much happier with my new boss. My old boss, who technically has no authority over me, but is still around, is doing her best to drive me completely insane before she can bring herself to let go. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assure myself that she is generally not ACTUALLY trying to make me feel small and unskilled and slightly numb-skulled. Coolgirl takes a less charitable view of her and instead sees her as conniving and possibly the spawn of Satan. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But there are days I think Coolgirl's view of things is more accurate. Today is one of those days. After all, Coolgirl is a pretty good judge of character. Old bosslady has succeeded in not only making me feel slightly inadequate, it appears she has little minions among those I work with who are reporting back to her. I am forgiving of many things in life. Two-facedness is a challenging one for me. It's too much like a lie. Really, it is deceit, which is a form of lying. I've gone through several really good moods, and then moments of wanting to seek old bosslady out and bludgeon her with something sharp and painful. To the pain, not the death, mind you. I assure you that I had valid reasons for these moods, and am quite proud of myself for having a fairly good day despite the moments old bosslady managed to orchestrate.
There's the part of my life where my best friend, or one of my best friends, seems to be irritated wiht me. I might be totally jumping to conclusions here, considering I am inferring tone from texts. It could be all in my head. But I swear she is deliberately shutting down my venting. Which would mean it irritates her. But I don't vent that much to her. I swear. Just the normal I hate my boss today stuff. Just when I was thinking I need to spend more time with her. Maybe I don't? Or maybe I'm just crazy and there's nothing going on there and she would love to spend more time with me. I think my counselor would say to wait until this confusedness clears up and THEN make a decision. Wouldn't she? I don't know.
Fortunately there's also the part of my life where Coolgirl tells me that old bosslady is crazy. Because an amazing friendship has blossomed between Coolgirl and I. So at least I know that amidst the crankiness, there is someone excited to see me every day.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Replacing Poor Support for Great Support
I have been MIA for a while, although I've posted many posts in my mind. While I find blogging here therapeutic, I also experience immense apathy when contemplating posting. Because it's out there on the Internet, people I don't even know can judge me. How tiring. But also, how liberating, because I don't know you, one reader.
I just want to clarify. I have had long conversations with my roommate about my issues, my need for support, my feeling that there is a lack of listening and empathy, and what I would like for her to do. It doesn't help. Everything is still all about her drama. The good news is that she is finally at least making a phone call to get counseling. Whether that actually leads to an appointment is another question. But the other good news is, for the most part, I am consciously making an effort to look for support elsewhere, and recognize that she is incapable of giving me the support I need. Because she has some serious issues. And while I love her, she can be very self-centered. But she probably says the same thing about me.
I've gone through some serious lows in the last month. Anxiety is my sworn enemy. I have a job right now that I, for the most part, adore. It's satisfying emotionally, and I have made some good friends there. I work with some amazing people, and have learned so much from them. One day a few weeks ago, for no reason I could pinpoint, I had one of my worst anxiety attack. Compared to what others go through, my attacks are generally pretty low scale. This one really sucked. Usually it starts with a specific thing that my brain can just not let go of. This time not so much. It was everything and nothing. I hated everything about myself, felt incapable, and yet could not pinpoint a way I was incapable. I felt like my office was closing in around me. Panic, panic, panic. I felt icky. Usually I can talk myself down and tell myself to get a grip, but my heart just beat faster, and I could feel the irrational panic mounting. Fortunately I was able to identify a safe place. I got myself up out of my chair and marched myself down the hall to my friend's office. We'll call her CoolGirl, because something about her personality soothes me.
Anyways, CoolGirl welcomed me into her office and knew right away that something was up. The thing I love about her is that while she picks up on my signals (and let's face it, I wear my heart on my sleeve), and makes it clear she sees, she lets things be without dismissing them. What I mean to say is, I didn't feel like she was dismissing my feelings because I didn't voice them right away. She just let things lie and waited for me to tell her. Meanwhile she soothed me with her chitchat and made me feel safe. She's only a few years older than me, but I want to be like her when I grow up.
We now have an understanding. It doesn't have to be an emergency. In fact, it doesn't have to be anything. We are friends, and I am welcome to come sit in her office whenever I need to be there, whether she is there or not. She gets me in a way that hardly anyone ever has. She reads me well, and I think I read her fairly well. She doesn't try to fix anything for me, although she would help if I needed something and asked her to. She doesn't make me feel like a freak. In fact, she sees tons of positive attributes in me.
I've realized in the past month that I need to stop investing my emotional well-being in friends I badly want to hear my pain who refuse to, and instead seek support to the ones who love me and are there for me without fail. This is one of those things I think most of us get on a certain level. It's talking my sometimes irrational emotional self into remembering this concept. I think I might have succeeded, finally. I am (mostly) done being offended when my few emotionally crippled friends can't or refuse to give me support. I have fabulous friends, who consistently do give me support, and listen to me over and over again if I need to keep talking about the same thing. I have had to back away, in my heart, from a few friends. I still love them, and support them. But I can't spend time obsessing over their crappy friendship skills. I instead accept their limitations. It mostly works. Because really, if I think about it, and obsess about it, and can't stop complaining about it, then really, I'm making my life crappier over friends that aren't that great of friends right now. See, when I say it, it sounds obvious. But my heart is having an epiphany. You know what I mean?
I just want to clarify. I have had long conversations with my roommate about my issues, my need for support, my feeling that there is a lack of listening and empathy, and what I would like for her to do. It doesn't help. Everything is still all about her drama. The good news is that she is finally at least making a phone call to get counseling. Whether that actually leads to an appointment is another question. But the other good news is, for the most part, I am consciously making an effort to look for support elsewhere, and recognize that she is incapable of giving me the support I need. Because she has some serious issues. And while I love her, she can be very self-centered. But she probably says the same thing about me.
I've gone through some serious lows in the last month. Anxiety is my sworn enemy. I have a job right now that I, for the most part, adore. It's satisfying emotionally, and I have made some good friends there. I work with some amazing people, and have learned so much from them. One day a few weeks ago, for no reason I could pinpoint, I had one of my worst anxiety attack. Compared to what others go through, my attacks are generally pretty low scale. This one really sucked. Usually it starts with a specific thing that my brain can just not let go of. This time not so much. It was everything and nothing. I hated everything about myself, felt incapable, and yet could not pinpoint a way I was incapable. I felt like my office was closing in around me. Panic, panic, panic. I felt icky. Usually I can talk myself down and tell myself to get a grip, but my heart just beat faster, and I could feel the irrational panic mounting. Fortunately I was able to identify a safe place. I got myself up out of my chair and marched myself down the hall to my friend's office. We'll call her CoolGirl, because something about her personality soothes me.
Anyways, CoolGirl welcomed me into her office and knew right away that something was up. The thing I love about her is that while she picks up on my signals (and let's face it, I wear my heart on my sleeve), and makes it clear she sees, she lets things be without dismissing them. What I mean to say is, I didn't feel like she was dismissing my feelings because I didn't voice them right away. She just let things lie and waited for me to tell her. Meanwhile she soothed me with her chitchat and made me feel safe. She's only a few years older than me, but I want to be like her when I grow up.
We now have an understanding. It doesn't have to be an emergency. In fact, it doesn't have to be anything. We are friends, and I am welcome to come sit in her office whenever I need to be there, whether she is there or not. She gets me in a way that hardly anyone ever has. She reads me well, and I think I read her fairly well. She doesn't try to fix anything for me, although she would help if I needed something and asked her to. She doesn't make me feel like a freak. In fact, she sees tons of positive attributes in me.
I've realized in the past month that I need to stop investing my emotional well-being in friends I badly want to hear my pain who refuse to, and instead seek support to the ones who love me and are there for me without fail. This is one of those things I think most of us get on a certain level. It's talking my sometimes irrational emotional self into remembering this concept. I think I might have succeeded, finally. I am (mostly) done being offended when my few emotionally crippled friends can't or refuse to give me support. I have fabulous friends, who consistently do give me support, and listen to me over and over again if I need to keep talking about the same thing. I have had to back away, in my heart, from a few friends. I still love them, and support them. But I can't spend time obsessing over their crappy friendship skills. I instead accept their limitations. It mostly works. Because really, if I think about it, and obsess about it, and can't stop complaining about it, then really, I'm making my life crappier over friends that aren't that great of friends right now. See, when I say it, it sounds obvious. But my heart is having an epiphany. You know what I mean?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
What Does Support Feel Like
So The Roommate has got her own batch of issues, and she projects the issues she has with her family onto me, and I feel like she is always judging me. One of the things she does is to never be the one to initiate contact. She can walk into the apartment and literally ignore me until I initiate a conversation. Take tonight. She walks in, my door is open, I'm laying down walking TV, and she gets home and goes in the kitchen, munches on her stuff, and never comes over to my door to say hi. It is ALWAYS my job to greet her first. I know some people aren't friends with their roommates, but she was my roommate second. She's been my friend since about 15. And I've told her how depressed I am. I think she thinks she's being empathetic, but subconsciously she seems to judge me and avoid me like I have a disease. Where's my nurturing? Why won't she ask how I am?
Friday, September 25, 2009
Sad.
Today I am sad. Usually when I'm sad it's triggered by something, but today, I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn't feel well last night. I was nauseous, and I thought I was going to throw up. I've been feeling just a teeny bit gross all week. This morning, because the nausea kept me up last night, I was tired, and ooky feeling, and I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. I called in sick. And I slept pretty much all the day. And I want to sleep more now. But I"m not tired. I think I could talk myself into thinking I'm tired. But I would wake up at 2am and not be able to sleep and feel more crappy from the excess in sleep.
I'm very rambley today. I don't think my state of sadness is helped by watching Grey's. Poor George.
It's been a while since I've logged into this blog, and I couldn't remember the address. So I did a search, and I ran across a Sad Girl blog, with no entries. And the profile said one word. Dead. Sad. I hope sadgirl is not really dead.
I was thinking just the other day that I was feeling good, and that I should blog. Because even though this blog is kind of about my depression, it should include the good days. Because there are a lot of good days. But the only days I feel like I have anything to say are the crappy days.
I've been a little big sad all week. Today was kind of the culmination of it. I thought it was because I was being all girly and hormoney. Which I was. But that part should be subsiding for the month, if ya know what I mean. Nothing specific has been coming to mind today, or this week, when I try to figure out where the sad is coming from. So I thought it was just hormones. But then, just now, blogging, I was trying to think what in my life was sad right now. My brain was going to that, what do you have to be sad about right now place. That, you ungrateful snot stop wallowing place. And then I realized that my best friend is leaving. Not that I didn't know that. But he's not gone yet, so I've been avoiding it. My best friend, who also happens to be the man I am in love with who broke my freaking heart, is leaving. He knows I don't want him to. He's going because he needs a job, which I have to support. Supposedly he's coming back to go to school in a year. But he's always changing his mind. Also he does idiotic risky things. And I think he's an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is. So what if he doesn't come back? One of these days he won't come back. I think between the alcoholism, and the chain smoking, and the stupid risks, he's trying to kill himself. But not in a direct way, because he thinks that is cowardly. But somehow if he goes big, it's manly. And that's stupid. And if I weren't so sad, I would be mad at him. But that's for another day.
I'm very rambley today. I don't think my state of sadness is helped by watching Grey's. Poor George.
It's been a while since I've logged into this blog, and I couldn't remember the address. So I did a search, and I ran across a Sad Girl blog, with no entries. And the profile said one word. Dead. Sad. I hope sadgirl is not really dead.
I was thinking just the other day that I was feeling good, and that I should blog. Because even though this blog is kind of about my depression, it should include the good days. Because there are a lot of good days. But the only days I feel like I have anything to say are the crappy days.
I've been a little big sad all week. Today was kind of the culmination of it. I thought it was because I was being all girly and hormoney. Which I was. But that part should be subsiding for the month, if ya know what I mean. Nothing specific has been coming to mind today, or this week, when I try to figure out where the sad is coming from. So I thought it was just hormones. But then, just now, blogging, I was trying to think what in my life was sad right now. My brain was going to that, what do you have to be sad about right now place. That, you ungrateful snot stop wallowing place. And then I realized that my best friend is leaving. Not that I didn't know that. But he's not gone yet, so I've been avoiding it. My best friend, who also happens to be the man I am in love with who broke my freaking heart, is leaving. He knows I don't want him to. He's going because he needs a job, which I have to support. Supposedly he's coming back to go to school in a year. But he's always changing his mind. Also he does idiotic risky things. And I think he's an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is. So what if he doesn't come back? One of these days he won't come back. I think between the alcoholism, and the chain smoking, and the stupid risks, he's trying to kill himself. But not in a direct way, because he thinks that is cowardly. But somehow if he goes big, it's manly. And that's stupid. And if I weren't so sad, I would be mad at him. But that's for another day.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Blank Mind
Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.
I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.
I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Feel the Alone-ness
Anxiety seems to be the watchword this week. I am freaking out today, because I have been sending texts to people with little response. Mostly because my phone sucks, I'm sure, but it's hard to tell. Add to that the fact that the last time I saw my good friend he was stressing out and snapped at me right before I left, and that I left a voice mail yesterday and he didn't call me back. So is this supposed to be a hint, or did he not get my texts today? Am I being that obnoxious girl? Is he even aware I tried to contact him today? And why is friend who is visiting so quiet? The worrying goes on and on, and it's driving me crazy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Around and Around and Back and Forth (Like a Yo-Yo but Less Fun)
So this weekend I'm full of anxiety. I figure if I can identify which symptom is making me behave like a crazy person, then I can stop the crazy thought pattern in my head before it drives me 'round the bend. I had friends cancel coming into town because of money problems, but I'm convinced that they really cancelled because they were hurt when other people weren't available so they decided it would not be worth it and are just making excuses. Even though I am available. Which makes me think that they are really forgetting me, just like I knew they would when they moved. Then I tell myself that if they are short on money then I should not be mad at them. Then I tell myself that they just don't love me like they used to. And the circular thoughts go on and on.
Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?
Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.
Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.
Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?
Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.
Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.
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