Scary Happiness!

I have a friend who has told me a few times that she sometimes thinks I'm afraid to be happy. She also has asked before if I think I might look for things to worry about. I sometimes think she is right. I do seem to latch onto something to worry about, and then just worry away at it. With my struggles with anxiety lately, I've noticed that if I'm anxious about something, and then that thing becomes a non-issue, the feeling of elation is short-lived (right now sometimes even seconds) and then my mind has grabbed onto something new to worry about. Now that the meds are being a wee bit kinder, I'm feeling a little less obsessively anxious, which is fabulous. But, still. Today is Saturday. I don't have to work today. I can't do anything about the things that I need to take care of. I left things at work in a state where there was nothing urgent. I don't have a specific thing I'm worried about, and yet I have an uneasy feeling, like something bad is going to happen. And if I let myself start searching my mind, I have several things on deck that I could spend the day worrying about.

I really need to figure this anxiety thing out. This is the focus of counseling sessions for me. My last counselor was not cutting it. I don't like to reject people, and also I'm quick to think that counseling will not fix me, so I was countering that feeling with a resistance to looking at getting a new counselor. Fortunately, that counselor had some personal things that is keeping her out of the office, and since I need to stay on the counseling bandwagon, I found a new counselor. I have a very good feeling about her. I am fairly certain she will give me the tools I need to move forward a wee bit finally. And she probably won't take some of my excuses and stuff, which both scares and encourages me.

So, I need to do self-care today. And make the most of it. And resist the urge to turn off my brain and check out. Which is what I want to do right now. Being productive is hard. I need a nap.