When Will It Get Better?

I've been trying so hard to get out of this pit-like place I am in. I've tried all kinds of vitamins, I'm talking with my doctor, I'm trying to make plans and I'm trying to stop all the negative thought. I am on the hunt for a new therapist. Okay, I haven't been exercising overmuch. I've been trying to make myself get outside and get sunshine. I've tried that whole be optimistic about your day, think positive thing. It's exhausting. I am failing. I am just so sad. I recognize I have no good reason, but the feeling just weighs me down. Sad, and/or anxious. I'm tired of it. I've prayed for relief and gotten small snippets. I've had moments of clarity where I've felt balanced and believed my life was not so bad. Those moments will not stay. My friends are all too far away or too busy. Everyone has their own lives and they can only give me so much. I try not to be crazy about demanding from them.

I feel gross. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I've tried giving myself mental health days and it's not working. I still don't want to be at work. I have never been so unproductive and cared so little before at this job. I'm going to care when it all comes crashing down.

Make it stop.

The Point of Me?

The good news is I am feeling better than last week. I've found a place of semi-calm. I still am not sure of... well, of anything. I don't know what I'm doing or who I'm trying to be right anymore. I seem to have no vision for myself. I do my best at work, but I seem to be going nowhere and no one seems to see me going anywhere. That's not to say that I don't do a good job, or that my boss is not happy with me. I just  think she doesn't see me as ever being anything more than what I am now. And I'm not sure she really sees all of what I am now. It's hard to go into detail about how I'm feeling on this one without going into detail of what my job is and the why's and the how's, but that's not something I want to do on this blog. I think I bought all the things adults would tell me as a teenager and young adult about how talented and good I was, and how I had a bright future. And now people have stopped saying that. And my friends and my coworkers are continuously telling me ways I could be doing better, and how I'm selling myself short when I actually thought I was trying pretty darn  hard. So if you are working hard and getting things done and no one sees those things, does that maybe just mean that you're only mediocre in talent, and that's why they aren't seeing it? I know what I would say to someone who says things like this. But this is how I am feeling, and what I am thinking, and this blog is a place where I can be honest about the ugly, self-loathing thoughts I have. That way, maybe if I let them out and let them breathe and take a look at them, they will look silly. That's the hope. Right now I just feel like they might be true. Maybe I will never be anything more than I am in my career because I don't have that remarkable something. My boss doesn't seem to see it in me. My coworker that I swear used to see it in me, doesn't seem to anymore. So I ask again, what is the point of me?

Killing the Anxiety

This icky feeling is getting really, really old. I'm tired of it. I am hoping I am on my way out of it. Sometimes I think I'm coming up out of it, and then I wake up with it again, or I sit and relax and my brain starts going and I find myself back in an anxious state. So annoying.

I have a friend who has a very dry sense of humor who jokes about being "dead inside" when she's feeling down. I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately. I kind of miss the times I have felt "dead inside." It used to be weird and concerning to me when I would go through periods where I was the opposite of emotional. I would not be able to remember the last time I had cried. I would not freak out about things that I knew I would "normally" be upset about. It would really trouble me.

I miss that. I would like to be dead inside. I'm ready to go back to that. How do I get back there?

Worn Down with Worry and Yuckiness

You know that icky, anxious, worrying feeling you can have when something is really not going right in your life? I have that right now. It started with my PMS. I sunk down into an icky place, and I allowed myself to isolate and basically hide in my room the majority of the three day weekend. I did still go to church for a few minutes, and I had dinner with my parents one night, so I give myself points for that. 

The annoying thing is that this bout of anxiousness is not exactly about something specific in my life I feel like I can fix. It's not really about a situation, it's more just about who I am. It's accompanied by a large dose of self-loathing, too, which is fun. Maybe it kind of goes back to my feelings about the fallout from setting boundaries with Red. It was his birthday this week. I haven't talked to him since October last year, when he told me repeatedly via text to F off. That was the last I heard from him. That hostility was his reaction to a letter I wrote saying that I couldn't allow him to treat me the way he had been treating me anymore, and telling me what I needed. It was much more firm than I've ever been. But it was necessary. And he could not forgive me for it. 

So this week was his birthday. And if there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I define being a good friend by the things I do to show support and loyalty, and showing love in many ways, including on their birthday, because they are important and I remember those dates. And I did not text, call, email, or message him on his birthday. I don't know where he is, or what he is doing. I'm pretty sure he's still alive. Intellectually I know this is the healthier choice for me--to not reach out to him. If we were still in contact he would still guilt me, do things to offend and degrade me in passive aggressive ways, and make me cry. Also if I knew the things that he was allowing to go badly in his life I would want to fix it all for him. This is not healthy for me. Our relationship would not be healthy at all. I know this. But I feel, at a very deep place in my heart, like a horrible friend. And like I don't know the point of me. 

I've cut the friends out of my life who I really felt like needed me. The ones I have now don't really need me. Sometimes they are in need, and i can help fill a need. But they don't really need me. They can go weeks without really talking to me or seeing me and be fine. They have stuff going on in their lives. They have partners and kids and hobbies and social circles all outside of me. And I have nothing. 

I do have friends. And I have family. I have people I care about who care about me. I have opportunities for beautiful moments. When I feel like making effort, I have people to make plans with, and things to fill my time with. But I feel like I have no world. I come home to an apartment with no one waiting for me. I don't have a home base with people who love me where I can go whenever I need to just be in a happy little cocoon of love. I mean, I do have places I am welcome. But not all the time. Because they have their lives too, and their home bases are already filled with the people who belong there. 

So I feel like I have no place and no purpose. And I don't understand why I can't have that place and purpose with the people that I love. I feel like they are not allowing that place for me in their lives. 

And this is where the self loathing comes in. I don't feel like my insides are very pretty right now. I feel as awkward and skittish as certain people have observed I seem lately. I annoy myself as much with my anxiousness as I seem to be annoying those who have to be around me daily. I don't want to be around me either. Gifts and talents I thought I had I'm not so certain I have now. No one else seems to see them in me, so maybe if I ever had them I don't now. I have the revolving thought, "what is the point of me?"  Now, I am a religious woman. I have always believed that we are all God's children, that we are special, that we all have gifts and talents and special things about us, and that we have a purpose in life and things we are meant to do and all that stuff. I still do believe that about other people. I look at my friends and see them fulfilling their purpose in so many ways, and I see them flourishing and progressing and touching others for good. While in some ways I can still convince myself that I am touching others for good in at least some ways, I am feeling very much like the great impact I thought I could strive for in life is a joke. The people I thought I could touch for good seem to not need or want my touch. The things I am doing to try to make myself better just seem so pointless when, after all that effort, I spend a whole week in this horrible sucking void of happiness. If I can't even keep perspective and find my happy place in times of despair, how can I progress into a place where I'm a decent person. My friends look at me all sad and try to encourage me to seek relationships to fill my life, but they don't want to spend time with me. They say I am so nice and so sweet and if I just put myself out there I will find someone to love me. I'm at a loss as to why they think this is possible. 

See? Ugly thoughts. I have not really expressed too much of them to my usual confidantes. Coolgirl would tell me I need to get counseling or some other practical thing. Shorty would as well. BFF would just feel really bad and wish she knew how to help me, and then I would feel bad for bringing her down. She would also be mystified and not understand why or how I could be in that place, which would only remind me how much of a mutant I feel like. I know that talking to a counselor is the practical solution that many would suggest for this. Hey, if I were the sounding board to something like this, it would be my suggestion. But I don't feel like sharing these ugly thoughts is going to make them go away, and I don't feel like it's going to fix anything or help lead me out of this dark place. I do think that this is partially a chemical imbalance. It's worse around my menstrual cycle, and exercise helps lift my mood. 

What I think I need to do is exercise fairly religiously, possibly multiple times a day. Darn apathy is not helping me break into that habit. I also think I need to look at the things I'm doing medically. I have already contacted my doctor, and we've discussed some things that I can start doing right away. One of them is birth control, which is thought to help regulate things like cramps and mood if you have PMDD. (Awesome that I can start finding new disorders to label myself with, right?) So we will be trying that. In a very, very small place I feel a spark of hope that there may be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. But I don't want to get my hopes up, and I am also fairly fearful that I'm stuck with this crazy brain for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. 

When I was a teenager there was a lady at church who would sit out on the couch in the lobby during services and cry. I would walk by her sometimes when I was avoiding being in Sunday School. Often there would be another woman comforting her, listening to her, or just being there for her. I always felt bad for her. Somehow, someone told me or mentioned in front of me that she was depressed. I didn't really understand that then. I didn't get that it was a disorder. I wondered what in her life had happened that had made her so sad. I remember thinking that she looked like she was in a lot of pain. I've been thinking recently that I might have turned into that woman. Mind you, I'm much more solitary in my suffering, and I try not to be the woman making a spectacle in the lobby. This might not be the best thing, since she had women trying to help lift her up and I run home from church and hide so that they don't see what a mess I am before I start crying. I have let a few individuals in, and they have been a comfort to me. But I don't want to be the poor woman they feel they need to do their christian duty by. I know they say you need to allow people to serve you, so they can reap the blessings and be God's hands and all that. But I don't know how to do that. I suck at asking for it, and the friends that I want it from don't seem to have the time or capacity. But I need some love. Can't they just read my mind? 

I Hate Most Everyone At this Moment

I'm having a moment of slight rage. It's not burning, liquid rage in my belly. More just aggravation. I'm glad it's not burning rage, because I get tired of being angry, and anger seems to be something I do a little too well in my depressed state.

Today's topic of anger is friends who think I really should find people to fill my life and make it more full. Let me speak directly to said friends (although said friends will never read this). I would like to point out that YOU are my friend. And that you are too busy to spend time with me. So apparently you feel that I should get friends to spend time with since your life is too full with your other friends and significant others to squeeze me in. How does that work, exactly? You have time for regular time with other friends, but it's not reasonable for me to spend time with my friends, who I love and value, because you're so stinking busy. So I should get other friends for that part of my friend needs? I don't WANT other friends. I'm perfectly happy with the ones I have. I don't need a ton of friends to feel fulfilled. And frankly, I've never been the type that goes out with the aim of finding new friends and succeeds. If your soul does not speak to my soul I'm not going to try to force new friendships so I can have lots of friends.

ALSO. If one more friend suggests to me that I take yoga to fill the lonely void, I'm going to... do something painful to them. I don't know what it is, but it will probably involve some stupid yoga pose they can get stuck in. Why yoga? None of them take yoga. But separate friends who do not know each other and do not talk to each other have suggested yoga to me. Because apparently I'm tense and yoga will just resolve all of that.

How about this. How about you see that I am lonely and actually make an effort to spend time with me, like I would make an effort to spend time with you. How about YOU call ME from time to time. There is something incredibly lazy about "listening" to your friend talk about their loneliness and to then talk about how they need to spend time with OTHER people, because you are busy. Really? REALLY??? Do you hear yourself? And do you ever in a million years think I would tel l you to get more friends because you are lonely. No. I would plan something with you. Isn't that part of being friends? Apparently I have very high expectations of friendship. And you are attached to a significant other who fills all of your time. Why, just because I am single, must I subject myself to socializing frantically to fill the void. Did that work for you when you were single? Because that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I would rather spend meaningful time with people I care about. I have those poeple. And I actually do manage to spend a fair amount of time being social. That's not where the lonely feeling is coming from, and if you were half paying attention you would know that. Just because I don't report to you my social life doesn't mean I don't have one. Unfortunately making plans and going out to dinner or whatever doesn't fill the void. It's not more social stuff that's going to fill my void. It's heart to heart connection. So how about instead of suggesting that I do yoga and make more friends at church, you take the time to get what's going on in my head right now. Because you are not hearing me.

I Would Like to Let Go Now.

I have a tendency to brood. Coolgirl has pointed it out to me. I have always done it, but had not identified that I do it to a larger extent than many people until she pointed it out. I knew that when I'm really anxious I would grab onto a thought and think it over to death. But I have come to realize that I often grab hold of a thought and obsess about it and don't let it go.

Example: tonight, I went to a friend's birthday celebration. It was a great time but at the end the birthday girl disappeared, and a few other small things happened that seem to indicated to me that she is annoyed with me. I have analyzed my conduct and I really haven't done anything wrong. At most, I failed to recognize the moment when she took something personally that was not directed at her and not intended to give offense. But of course, this is where my brain won't shut up. I keep thinking over and over and over again to think of everything I said, every look she had, how she might have taken things I said, and what she might say to other friends. Then I start to worry about how how she appears to feel about me at this moment might impact the way other friends feel about me. This might impact how other friends interact with me in the future, and I don't want to lose those good relationships. Then I try to talk myself down by reminding myself that if she is irrationally angry, said friends will call her on it and refuse to allow her to blame me. But the thoughts of "what if" go on. I foresee manipulation and half truths that might convince said friends to spend less time with me. Basically I start to see the demise of friendships, all over one woman's cranky moment. Described here, I sound a little nutty to myself. But I still fear the power of this one woman over one particular friendship that I hold dear. Also, I don't like having people upset with me, and I want to resolve it, and it's aggravating that I can't. But this is not a situation where I can, or should, do or say anything. And I truly honestly didn't do anything wrong. Her anger isn't even really about me. But it keeps happening. And my brain won't let go of it. Shoosh, brain.

Waking to the Sounds of an Interminably Pessimistic Brain

I am so tired. I'm tired of waking up feeling yucky. I'm tired of waking up dreading the day. Dreading it for no good, sound reason. I know that I love my job. I love most of the people that I work with. Good things happen to me at work. I have some good relationships with people at work. Why do I wake up dreading to go to work? I'm anxious about everything lately. Anxious about if people will be happy with my work. Anxious that my boss's boss doesn't seem to like me. Anxious that I won't get enough done. Anxious that people are saying things about me. Anxious that people are complaining about me. Anxious that I will do something to make someone mad. It's crazy. No, really. I feel like my crazy side is taking over. I keep having conversations with myself. No, not out loud. At least not outside of my car. I keep telling myself, today is going well. Why are you stressing? There is nothing to worry about. But I can't quite seem to talk myself out of my anxiety. I take walks. That doesn't help. I pray. Doesn't seem to help. I meditate at my desk. Nada. I go and hide in a quiet place and meditate. Nope. I take deep, calming breaths. Not calm. I curse under my breath. Definitely doesn't help. I try focusing on work in hopes of distracting myself. Sometimes, sort of, works.

The good news is that many days the feeling seems to wear off after about 1 or so. Unless something happens for me to fixate on and be anxious about.

I feel like I should talk to someone about this. Don't feel like I can talk to anyone at work about this. Showing my insecurities does not seem to be a good way to advance myself professionally, and poor Coolgirl has been exposed to enough of my anxiety to last her for a year or two, at least. I've talked to other friends about it and they don't know what to say, and I end up feeling guilty for making them worry, not supported, and kind of stupid for showing my crazy. They don't have any advice to offer that I'm not already giving myself, and I'm tired of having people look at me like I am overemotional. I could go see my counselor, who I have not seen in quite a while. I don't really feel like she can say anything to make the feeling go away either, and she is far away from where I live now. Or at least, far enough away, especially in rush hour, to make it a huge effort to go see her. I don't want to change counselors. I like her. I know that is silly since I just said she is too far away so I'm not going to see her. But I don't think that telling anyone about my crazy is going to make it go away or fix it. I've already done a lot of talking to smart people and praying.

I don't feel like taking more meds is going to resolve this. Except the anxiety, my depression is pretty well in check. The anxiety does come coupled with some immense sadness sometimes when I first wake up. But I think it's more sadness over the things I'm anxious over. I've started taking Omega 3's in addition to my meds. They're supposed to do good things for your brain, and so far seem to be helping me balance out a little more in my PMS stage, which has been WAY too emotional up until this last month.

I know I should be exercising. Endorphins are good for you, blah, blah, blah. I know that. I intend to exercise. This week in fact. I just, you know, haven't.... Not tomorrow, I have a meeting after work. Wednesday. I'll exercise Wednesday. Yeah.

I've been making myself go outside after work. I sit and I read. Vitamin D is good, and natural light and fresh air and all that junk. I think that's helping me not be as bad as I could be.

How do I stop feeling so crazy? I'm tired of being so crazy anxious over things. When I do come down from my anxious place I realize how irrational a place it is. But I can't seem to talk myself out of it even when I realize I'm there and know it will look crazy later.

Man, it's exhausting being me.