Waking to the Sounds of an Interminably Pessimistic Brain

I am so tired. I'm tired of waking up feeling yucky. I'm tired of waking up dreading the day. Dreading it for no good, sound reason. I know that I love my job. I love most of the people that I work with. Good things happen to me at work. I have some good relationships with people at work. Why do I wake up dreading to go to work? I'm anxious about everything lately. Anxious about if people will be happy with my work. Anxious that my boss's boss doesn't seem to like me. Anxious that I won't get enough done. Anxious that people are saying things about me. Anxious that people are complaining about me. Anxious that I will do something to make someone mad. It's crazy. No, really. I feel like my crazy side is taking over. I keep having conversations with myself. No, not out loud. At least not outside of my car. I keep telling myself, today is going well. Why are you stressing? There is nothing to worry about. But I can't quite seem to talk myself out of my anxiety. I take walks. That doesn't help. I pray. Doesn't seem to help. I meditate at my desk. Nada. I go and hide in a quiet place and meditate. Nope. I take deep, calming breaths. Not calm. I curse under my breath. Definitely doesn't help. I try focusing on work in hopes of distracting myself. Sometimes, sort of, works.

The good news is that many days the feeling seems to wear off after about 1 or so. Unless something happens for me to fixate on and be anxious about.

I feel like I should talk to someone about this. Don't feel like I can talk to anyone at work about this. Showing my insecurities does not seem to be a good way to advance myself professionally, and poor Coolgirl has been exposed to enough of my anxiety to last her for a year or two, at least. I've talked to other friends about it and they don't know what to say, and I end up feeling guilty for making them worry, not supported, and kind of stupid for showing my crazy. They don't have any advice to offer that I'm not already giving myself, and I'm tired of having people look at me like I am overemotional. I could go see my counselor, who I have not seen in quite a while. I don't really feel like she can say anything to make the feeling go away either, and she is far away from where I live now. Or at least, far enough away, especially in rush hour, to make it a huge effort to go see her. I don't want to change counselors. I like her. I know that is silly since I just said she is too far away so I'm not going to see her. But I don't think that telling anyone about my crazy is going to make it go away or fix it. I've already done a lot of talking to smart people and praying.

I don't feel like taking more meds is going to resolve this. Except the anxiety, my depression is pretty well in check. The anxiety does come coupled with some immense sadness sometimes when I first wake up. But I think it's more sadness over the things I'm anxious over. I've started taking Omega 3's in addition to my meds. They're supposed to do good things for your brain, and so far seem to be helping me balance out a little more in my PMS stage, which has been WAY too emotional up until this last month.

I know I should be exercising. Endorphins are good for you, blah, blah, blah. I know that. I intend to exercise. This week in fact. I just, you know, haven't.... Not tomorrow, I have a meeting after work. Wednesday. I'll exercise Wednesday. Yeah.

I've been making myself go outside after work. I sit and I read. Vitamin D is good, and natural light and fresh air and all that junk. I think that's helping me not be as bad as I could be.

How do I stop feeling so crazy? I'm tired of being so crazy anxious over things. When I do come down from my anxious place I realize how irrational a place it is. But I can't seem to talk myself out of it even when I realize I'm there and know it will look crazy later.

Man, it's exhausting being me.