Stupidity

I made a huge mistake. And continue to make it. It's interesting what loneliness and isolation can drive you to. Even in this anonymous space, I can't admit what I did. It's too big, and too ugly, and yet to most of you would not be as big and ugly as it is for me. But it is big and ugly to me. And I hate that even a few trusted friends even know. I feel like this road of depression has lead me to be a person that I never meant to be. I never wanted to be this. But I can't seem to be who I want to be, even when I try with all my might. Is it just me, or is the world getting uglier? I feel like the whole world is slowly going crazy. Or maybe that's just me.

Valleys of Sorrow.

Since my last post I have been through what I can safely say is the most hellish bout of depression I have ever had. My whole life seemed close to crumbling. I got pretty close to ruining it in some major ways. I don't want to go into details here, but just rest assured, almost every facet of my life was touched.

I finally went to my doctor, and switched meds. Life is so much better. I won't say it all had to do with the meds. I worked hard to get out of that horrible valley. I agonized and prayed and talked and did what needed to be done. But the meds have unfogged my head. I feel hope. I feel life might bring happy things.

I would never wish that kind of anguish on anyone. I know I am not alone in feeling deep anguish. And I know that depression is not the only thing to bring it. I dread the day I lose a parent or other close loved one to death. I have seen the anguish of close friends over horrible circumstances in their lives. The only thing I can hope is that my faith will see me through, and that God will bring me comfort. Through all that anguish, I know He was there, loving me. I still don't understand why He wouldn't lift it from my shoulders when I first asked. But I do believe it was Him that lifted it. I think I've probably taken some deep lessons away that will aid me in the future. I know it deepened my empathy. I pray I never feel so wretched again.

Life Gone to Crap

The last month has been totally awesome. And I mean that in a totally sarcastic and inauthentic way.

My job is changing in a way I don't like. If the powers that be had sat down and thought, how can we make this a job she would dread, they would have come up with this job. I think I may end up liking parts of it more than I currently think possible, but still. I'm not excited. And, because I'm a super-smart professional woman, I had a big melt-down at a meeting to discuss it and quite possibly alienated the powers that be. I definitely did not impress them.

I screwed up at work. I failed to do some Rather Important Things. This of course further impressed the Powers That Be. As a result, I'm being disciplined. The last conversation I had with my boss, she allowed me to conclude that they could very possibly fire me in the next six months. So, yeah, my morale is high. Since my boss is also my friend, I'm struggling with a whole different level of feeling betrayed, and abandoned. She couldn't even tell me she believes I'll get through this.

I got dumped. My boyfriend couldn't even just say it. He did the avoidance thing. And then either through what he said, or what he didn't say, he told my friend he was no longer interested, he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Hello, humiliation. It's glorious to not only have your friends witness your rejection, but inform you of it. After possibly commiserating with said boyfriend over what it's like to deal with me. That's how I picture it going down.

After being insensitive to my breakup and making plans with my fresh ex-boyfriend to help her with something, when confronted, one of my supposed friends told me that it wasn't a "real" relationship anyways. It was just a few dates. Wow. Thanks, friend. I feel... even more pathetic. If only I could have a "real" relationship like you...

It's at times like these that I ask, did I bring this on myself somehow, subconsciously? Because I've had friends before who are always saying "why does this always happen to me," when really, things aren't happening *to* them. They just always feel like a victim and feel picked on when ANYTHING happens. So maybe I'm feeling like a victim right now. But it really feels like Trial City. You know that song about how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger? I liked that song last month. Now I pretty much detest it. Bite me, perky chick.

Letting Myself Be Happy

My meds are much better. My friendships are all in good places. Conflicts with friends that were breaking my heart are resolved. I have a great guy I'm dating who just told me he loves me (although I feel a wee bit too fast... we've only been dating for about two months). I feel sad. I shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't be feeling dissatisfied with the guy. I shouldn't be feeling that I want more from the friendships. I shouldn't be sad.

For crying out loud.

I need to get back to counseling. I don't want to. Also, I am broke. That is a legitmate source of stress this week. I am so stinking broke. Like, bursting at the seams, I am in debt, should pay attention to my budget because avoidance doesn't make it better broke. I think there is chicklit about this. And I am pretty sure reading about this girl did not so much amuse me as make me super anxious. But I digress. The point is, I need counseling, but I need to be able to pay for it...

At least, that was the point of that paragraph.

My real point is, I should be happy. This is the time when I should move forward. Embrace life. Be thankful that there are times when it gets better. When the meds work. When people love me back. When I get what I want and all that junk.

I really am an Eeyore. I don't want to be anymore. Why can't I be all Pollyanna and be Glad and stuff. I'm like Pollyanna after she broke her back or whatever.

So seriously, can't figure out why I can't let myself be happy. I mean, we could go with the answer about how I'm afraid to let myself be happy because I"ll end up getting hurt or something. And I'm sure that plays into it. But why can't I just enjoy the good feeling today. What is my deal?

How Can I Disappoint YOU Today?

So the theme of my life this week/month/year is disappointment. Not my own feelings of disappointment, although I seem to succeed in being disappointed in everything and everybody lately, what with my whole glass mostly empty view on life. No. The disappointment I speak of is the gazillion ways that I can disappoint the people I work with, the people I love, the people who love me, and the people I serve. I have blown it in some big ways lately with people.

I've stood friends up for dinner frequently (mostly unintentionally because I have turned into the biggest airhead in the world). They have been patient but I can feel them resigning themselves to my inconsiderateness, which means the socialness I have been working so hard to engage in will be that much more difficult to achieve, since no one will want to set dates with me.

I screwed up in a major way at work, and the effect of what I messed up on has caused ripples that keep rebounding off things and lapping back over me, extending the moments of disappointment and magnifying my feelings of ineffectiveness and perpetual failure. So, yeah. The career is looking great.

I'm failing at church. Failing to go, failing to follow through on service I have committed to. Failing to engage in the spiritual rites and practices I know would soothe me. Even now, writing about how I could be soothed, I feel so anxious and guilty that even though somewhere in my heart I feel my religion could help heal me, most of my heart seems to be saying that I am too far gone and that there is no point. In my heart of hearts I think I must be greatly disappointing God.

I've been working forever, it seems, to learn how to cope with my depression. i thought that I had grown in my depression and that the deep wounds have made me wise and that I had weathered hard times and it had smoothed some of my rough edges. And then this last year or so happened. I feel as though with all the tumult, my edges should be smooth like a rounded pebble on the beach. They should be. But when I examine myself, I feel like a jagged rock that has just been shattered and has more edges than the ocean could ever smooth. My flaws are more glaring and my barriers to being a whole person loom larger than ever before. People I trust and love tell me that I am so unhealthy,so odd, so not normal, that they must go over here and be happy together, away from my toxicity. They tell me the truth as they feel bound to say it, and move away before they are infected. And I don't blame them. I envy them. It must be nice to know how to Be. To give and receive love and feel the glow of being a light in the lives of the ones you love.

I used to feel like that. I used to be able to draw myself out of the space I'm in now and feel that there was hope. That I had friends I gave light to. That my soul was not as ugly and dark and decrepit as it felt in my low moments. I have fleeting moments of that feeling now, but I seem to stumble upon it. I can't intentionally elicit it, and I half hold my breath when I am feeling it, because at any moment an ugly thought or sudden realization of what feels like the horrible truth of my condition  could emerge and take my brain hostage again.

My therapist says I am doing better. She says I am dealing with ugly thought patterns better and that I should not be so hard on myself and celebrate my successes. My friends who have told me how hard it is to be around me have remarked that I have been doing better. But they are still over there. And I need them over here. All of this isolation might possibly drive me mad.

There is a woman who is mentally ill who uses services in the building I work at. Often, in the afternoon, things get to be too much for her. When the internal stimuli that is taunting her gets to be too much, she lets loose with blood curdling, heart rending screams. Over and over and over. For as long as 30-45 minutes. One day, after one of these episodes, she remarked to me, "I want to apologize. I don't know why it happens. It just gets to be too much." I wanted to tell her, I know how you feel. I want to join you. Those screams sound just like the ones in my head. My heart answers every scream torn from her lips. I want to join her. If I did, maybe I could just stop trying.Give into the crazy in my head. They would commit me somewhere, put me on nice soothing medication that soften all the hard feelings. And in the moments the medication was not working, I could purge my soul and get it all out. I could scream until it was drained out of me.

I think it might be time to talk to the doc about upping my meds....

Moving Towards Not Caring

I think the direction I am moving in is either healthy, or really not healthy. I really should figure out which one. I've  been having a really rough time with a friend, and wanting their attention, and stressing about the relationship, and not liking her interactions with other friends, and feeling left out. Fixating is one word that comes to mind. It's an ugly word, and I don't like it, but my mind was not letting go of my yucky feelings. So I've decided that I need to stop fixating. This was a great epiphany for me. And harder than it sounds, which you might understand if you have ever had a friend seemingly start growing away from you. Your urge (or at least mine) is to try to pull them nearer, and fix it. I've tried that. It wasn't working. she gets all independent and wants space and all that crap. I totally don't get that because I tend to let my friends draw me near when they need me. But for my own self-preservation I'm not engaging as much with her or the people around us socially. I can feel myself doing that whole guarding my heart thing a little. This is something I have not done in the past with this friend, because I am all about trust and openness with my friends. But that was not working. Continual pain tells me that something about the way that I am handling this friendship is not working. So, I do the whole putting up walls thing. I don't like to do this with friends. But it feels like the most healthy thing I can do right now.

She knows something is up. She knows I have things on my mind, and she knows I am all stressed out. She's the whole, whatever, you don't have to talk to me, I'll give you space, kind of friend. Which is nice of her. I wish it was a little more important to her to know what was going on with me and be all supportive, but that's not her style, and this is not about getting her attention. And she has asked me what's going on several times. She's shown genuine concern. I think she believes she knows a lot of what is going on in my head. She maybe knows 50%. It's more complicated than just being about this friendship. I really can't talk about it with her. I don't know what I would say. I don't think talking to her about it would help me. I still wish I could. I want to be able to tell her. I want someone close to me, supporting me. But this is one of those stupid, work through it yourself, kind of things. I'm tired of doing things on my own.

One odd side effect. Several times the last few weeks I've gotten so sick to my stomach over the stress of it all that I've wanted to puke. And so I have. I made myself puke tonight. My tummy feels so much better now. I think this is not healthy. I think I will not be telling anyone about this. I really should stop doing that.

It should bother her that I"m putting up walls. I don't think she's noticed yet. Ugh. It sounds like I'm doing this to get her attention. I'm not. But I'm not going to lie, I wish it would get her attention nonetheless. At least a little.

Blank Mind

Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.

I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.

Couldn't Have Said it Better.

I subscribe to a few blog feeds at psychcentral.com, and I read one today in which she mentions those annoying people who try to tell you to buck up when you say you are depressed, or "conversations with people who think mental illnesses are like mermaids–not real–and that absolutely every health condition can be fixed with the right thoughts plus a little acupuncture."

Yes! Excactly! If only I had a mermaid. Nope, just apathy, crappy sleep patterns, lots and lots of sadness and anger, and a nice big helping of anxiety. Plus some other symptoms that elude my mind... oh, yeah, like poor concentration.