Nature

I work with people who talk about "self care" a lot. It's important. I am bad at it. It doesn't help that I live alone, and have no compelling reason to leave work at a reasonable hour a lot of the time. I kind of suck at taking care of myself. This has been compounded in my lack of interest in, you know, life. Recently I've found an interest in life again. This is very encouraging. Things bring me joy, and, dare I hope, peace. I find myself not only excited to make plans, but willing to actually carry them out. I suddenly have the ability to enjoy things again. Mind you, I have not suddenly become an extrovert. Large social events still don't thrill me. Or even small social events, really. But I have rediscovered my love of nature. The last hike I took, my spirit was practically singing. I felt bliss. I did not know that bliss was still a thing! I might have to try this nature thing again.

What to Do with All This Interest In Life...

As my meds appear to be working, as they seem to be on some days now, I'm realizing that I've been in a weird rut/holding pattern for several years now. I have been doing what it takes to get by and not much more, and I've been shutting down and shutting out the world whenever possible. As a result, I am so in the habit of not doing the things that interest me, I have to figure out how to have a life again. I let myself get sucked into my computer and then the day is done and I haven't done anything, even though I've had a strange yearning to be productive and do things that make me happy.

So part of the process, I think, is to make a list and intentionally do some things each day before I'm allowed to let the computer suck away my brain. Things like reading my book, writing my thoughts in my little blank book, writing some fiction, blogging, visiting my nieces and nephews, going to their games, getting dinner with some friends I haven't seen in a LONG time, going for walks/jogs, visiting nature, checking out free public events, cleaning/organizing my house, re-committing myself to my religious studies, finding new things to study, exploring the idea of getting a masters or a certificate, listening to music, clean my car for that feeling of accomplishment and... cleanness, do thoughtful things for people like send cards or make them cookies, get a pedicure, purging my house of junk, planning menus and cooking nummy stuff, and finding somewhere to volunteer. See, even a month ago, I couldn't even come up with a list of more than like two things that I enjoy doing that I could do for self care. Because nothing sounded good. I didn't enjoy life. And now, sometimes, I think I might be able to enjoy these things. At least on some days.