Make Up Your Ever Loving Mind, People!

So my friends have been telling me that I need to deal with my emotions instead of just avoiding them. And then this week, some kind of traumatic things happened, and I've been trying to make sure I get down to the root of my feelings and figure out what is really upsetting me. I feel like I did a good job of that. And I do feel like I've been crying too much lately, but I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Also in the past I tended to avoid my feelings in order to avoid the pain and the crying and all that. So dealing with feelings is good, right?

Enter my friend who has been supporting me through all of this who is telling me I need to take up a hobby so I stop thinking about my problems so much. Um, make up your mind. I do not plan to fixate on these things, but I did need to make decisions (like the one not to live with The Roommate anymore), and you can't do that without thinking about your feelings, and there was some working through them to be done. I hate when people offer simple solutions without really stopping to think about what all the components are. Grr.

The Rollercoaster that is My Mind

Life is pretty good right now. That said, I've experienced a bit of rage and the urge to throw myself down and have a tantrum at work this week. This is because of several different parts of my life.

There's the part where I've been experiencing change at work, including transitioning from an old boss to a new one. I think I will be much happier with my new boss. My old boss, who technically has no authority over me, but is still around, is doing her best to drive me completely insane before she can bring herself to let go. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assure myself that she is generally not ACTUALLY trying to make me feel small and unskilled and slightly numb-skulled. Coolgirl takes a less charitable view of her and instead sees her as conniving and possibly the spawn of Satan. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But there are days I think Coolgirl's view of things is more accurate. Today is one of those days. After all, Coolgirl is a pretty good judge of character. Old bosslady has succeeded in not only making me feel slightly inadequate, it appears she has little minions among those I work with who are reporting back to her. I am forgiving of many things in life. Two-facedness is a challenging one for me. It's too much like a lie. Really, it is deceit, which is a form of lying. I've gone through several really good moods, and then moments of wanting to seek old bosslady out and bludgeon her with something sharp and painful. To the pain, not the death, mind you. I assure you that I had valid reasons for these moods, and am quite proud of myself for having a fairly good day despite the moments old bosslady managed to orchestrate.

There's the part of my life where my best friend, or one of my best friends, seems to be irritated wiht me. I might be totally jumping to conclusions here, considering I am inferring tone from texts. It could be all in my head. But I swear she is deliberately shutting down my venting. Which would mean it irritates her. But I don't vent that much to her. I swear. Just the normal I hate my boss today stuff. Just when I was thinking I need to spend more time with her. Maybe I don't? Or maybe I'm just crazy and there's nothing going on there and she would love to spend more time with me. I think my counselor would say to wait until this confusedness clears up and THEN make a decision. Wouldn't she? I don't know.

Fortunately there's also the part of my life where Coolgirl tells me that old bosslady is crazy. Because an amazing friendship has blossomed between Coolgirl and I. So at least I know that amidst the crankiness, there is someone excited to see me every day.

What Does Support Feel Like

So The Roommate has got her own batch of issues, and she projects the issues she has with her family onto me, and I feel like she is always judging me. One of the things she does is to never be the one to initiate contact. She can walk into the apartment and literally ignore me until I initiate a conversation. Take tonight. She walks in, my door is open, I'm laying down walking TV, and she gets home and goes in the kitchen, munches on her stuff, and never comes over to my door to say hi. It is ALWAYS my job to greet her first. I know some people aren't friends with their roommates, but she was my roommate second. She's been my friend since about 15. And I've told her how depressed I am. I think she thinks she's being empathetic, but subconsciously she seems to judge me and avoid me like I have a disease. Where's my nurturing? Why won't she ask how I am?

Am I the Only One*

Did anyone else grow up in a house where you could ask each other to do things for you, like get you a glass of water when they were already up and you were weight down with things on your lap in the middle of a project? Because apparently my roommate finds this the height of rudeness. Funny since her snotty refusal to do it is incredibly rude to me. I bring her things all the time.

I just had to get that off my chest.

*The title totally makes me want to listen to that Melissa Etheridge song.