Stupidity

I made a huge mistake. And continue to make it. It's interesting what loneliness and isolation can drive you to. Even in this anonymous space, I can't admit what I did. It's too big, and too ugly, and yet to most of you would not be as big and ugly as it is for me. But it is big and ugly to me. And I hate that even a few trusted friends even know. I feel like this road of depression has lead me to be a person that I never meant to be. I never wanted to be this. But I can't seem to be who I want to be, even when I try with all my might. Is it just me, or is the world getting uglier? I feel like the whole world is slowly going crazy. Or maybe that's just me.

I'm Super Sneaky.... Right?

In my life I have observed addiction and the havoc it wreaks on a person. I've seen someone in the early stages, who may succeed in hiding the addiction and gloss over the effects it is having on them. I have seen that same person begin to fail to hid their addiction, but not recognize that everyone can see their addiction. And sadly, I have seen the later stages, where all effort at hiding it are thrown aside, and the addiction has a firm grip on the person, and the effects really start to show. The person is changed by it. Depression can have a similar grip on a person, and I think have some similar effects.

Today I wondered to myself how I appear to others given my depression. I know that there have been moments where I have thought I was hiding the effects, but it was clear to at least those who love me and are close to me that I was deeply depressed. I know that there have been moments where I know the effects are evident to people, and I've not had either the energy or the inclination to attempt to hide the signs . But I don't know for sure how things look in general, and to all those in my lives.

Today, the man I have been dating was supposed to come over. He hasn't been over in a few weeks, and I have not had any other visitors in that time. I'm not going to lie; my house was an absolute wreck. I can be a pretty good housekeeper, especially when I am healthy. But when I am feeling a lot of stress or am really in the thick of my depression, it shows in how I take care of things around me. The chaos in my brain seems to translate to chaos in every aspect of my life. In normal circumstances, gaining some order in the aspects I can control, like my living environment and my office, helps me gain some control over my life (but my control issues are a whole other topic). But when I'm really unhealthy mentally, the physical order does not overcome my broader issues of foggy unfocus, inability to process emotions well, and lack of interest in.... anything. Including succeeding. Success? Not that great to depressed SadGirl.

I can't quite fully articulate the different I feel between healthy SadGirl and unhealthy SadGirl. All those symptoms on the little checklist they have you fill out at the doctor's office to determine the magnitude of your depression seem to have gained new meaning to me in the last year. Because I didn't realize how bad it could really get. And I feel like I've got a firm grasp on just how bad it can get. Am hoping I can move beyond that soon to having a distant memory of how that felt. But I digress.

So, my man is coming over. And I spent about an hour rushing around cleaning things and vacuuming and putting things away and doing dishes and organizing things. Which made me think of addiction. And how I think I can hide my illness. And the man? Super observant and good at noticing things. Which makes me wonder, am I like the crazy addicted person who insists they are not drunk even though they smell like a brewery and slur their words? Is he totally onto me? Also, is this a thing a lot of people dealing with depression do? I feel like I need to google "tips for hiding your depression." Maybe there is a guide for this. Am totally going to do that right now. Right after I click "publish."

Make the Jaw Clenching Stop

I have developed this thing in adulthood where I clench my jaw when I  am stressed out, to the point where my jaw gets tired. I have had to learn to stretch the muscles to try to get it to stop hurting. This is not a good sign. Today is a jaw clenching day. I'm so tired of jaw clenching days. I really, really love my job. But I also hate it. I love what I do. But I also hate what I do. I love it because it's a job that helps people. And that is good. I hate it because it is so thankless. Don't get me wrong; I'm not one of those people that needs to be thanked all the time. But it would be great if my coworkers and boss didn't seem to be constantly under the impression that I'm not doing ENOUGH. They tell me that they know I work hard and then in the same day, will tell me what ELSE I should be doing, with the time I do not have. Because what I have done is not enough. There needs to be More. Everything needs to be improved on. No one ever seems to think that I rock at anything. When I say I rocked at something, they have to point out how I, in fact, was only passable in my performance. Because, you know, you can always improve. Like I don't have that constant narrative in my head. I know I can always improve. I am WELL AWARE that I am not perfect, and cannot achieve perfection. But thank you, lovely work people, for driving home JUST HOW FLAWED I really am. Just when I thought I was aware of my flaws and the way I suck, you point out more ways. And my anxiety goes into overdrive. You know this, and you still do it. You're jerks. There, I've said it. And admitting you are a jerk does not mean it's okay to continue being one.

Grr.

I hate Mondays.