Work Faster.

I took my new upped dosage of meds last night. I really wish immediate gratification were possible with meds. Waiting is dumb. Especially when you have this ugly dead inside feeling with you when you wake, when you work, when you try to relax, when you sleep... Or if not dead inside, a wishing you were dead inside. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't want to be this person. Why can't I just be happy with what I have and all that junk?

Please Oh Please Let the Meds Make it Better.

So talked to the doc today and I will be upping my meds. Really hoping that this will be the step up that makes the anxiety that's been consuming me manageable. Really afraid that it won't do anything, and we'll be on the continued search for the med that is the answer. My doctor is resistant to prescribing an anti-anxiety med since she says they should not be taken frequently, or you can build up a resistance and addiction to them. I think that's benzo's she is talking about. I really need to educated myself because I'm not sure, and I am also unsure if there are other meds she could be looking at. All I know is that this anxiety is making my life miserable and I want it to stop. I'm trying to be healthy and junk. I am just so tired of my thoughts being so miserable and sad and desperate and angry and paranoid and corrosive. Praying for the meds to work.

Today I was thinking about starting another blog. I would make it my blog where I updated the webiverse on how big of jerks some of my coworkers/friends can be. I could say all the mean things they did and how very abused I am. I concluded that while this sounded satisfying at the time, it would really probably not feel so great. I feel like I already spend so much time devoting thought to negative stuff. The rational part of me tells me that focusing on the crappy moments will not make anything better, and that I shouldn't devote my energy to thinking about them, since I can't change it or make them behave differently. Stupid rationalness. Being grown up and reasonable sucks sometimes. This is what I think when I have moments of reasonableness, at least.