Anger and Despair

Anger and Despair,
Anger and Despair,
Do dodo dooo
Anger and Despair.

I thought maybe if I made up a cute little song about my crazy, it would be kind of cute and fun. Maybe whimsical. Not so much.

I'm having one of my really angry cranky weeks. I'm feeling some anger toward pretty much anyone who crosses my path. Holy crazy. My sweet, well intentioned man came over last night with the intention of cheering me up. I had to work very hard at not biting his head off. He does not have the experience with depression to understand that the plan of "cheering up" a depressed person does not necessarily work. He did make me feel loved and warm for a minute. But then I think it might have backfired somehow, because we ended the evening with him annoyed with me. I'm not even totally clear on what it was that he was upset about. I'm not saying he was upset for no reason... but I have no idea what I did. I was trying very hard not to be irritable and angry with him. I don't know if he felt like I was being cold because I was holding back... I'm not really sure.

I hate how my depression seems to cripple my relationships. Bleh.

Make the Jaw Clenching Stop

I have developed this thing in adulthood where I clench my jaw when I  am stressed out, to the point where my jaw gets tired. I have had to learn to stretch the muscles to try to get it to stop hurting. This is not a good sign. Today is a jaw clenching day. I'm so tired of jaw clenching days. I really, really love my job. But I also hate it. I love what I do. But I also hate what I do. I love it because it's a job that helps people. And that is good. I hate it because it is so thankless. Don't get me wrong; I'm not one of those people that needs to be thanked all the time. But it would be great if my coworkers and boss didn't seem to be constantly under the impression that I'm not doing ENOUGH. They tell me that they know I work hard and then in the same day, will tell me what ELSE I should be doing, with the time I do not have. Because what I have done is not enough. There needs to be More. Everything needs to be improved on. No one ever seems to think that I rock at anything. When I say I rocked at something, they have to point out how I, in fact, was only passable in my performance. Because, you know, you can always improve. Like I don't have that constant narrative in my head. I know I can always improve. I am WELL AWARE that I am not perfect, and cannot achieve perfection. But thank you, lovely work people, for driving home JUST HOW FLAWED I really am. Just when I thought I was aware of my flaws and the way I suck, you point out more ways. And my anxiety goes into overdrive. You know this, and you still do it. You're jerks. There, I've said it. And admitting you are a jerk does not mean it's okay to continue being one.

Grr.

I hate Mondays.

I Hate Most Everyone At this Moment

I'm having a moment of slight rage. It's not burning, liquid rage in my belly. More just aggravation. I'm glad it's not burning rage, because I get tired of being angry, and anger seems to be something I do a little too well in my depressed state.

Today's topic of anger is friends who think I really should find people to fill my life and make it more full. Let me speak directly to said friends (although said friends will never read this). I would like to point out that YOU are my friend. And that you are too busy to spend time with me. So apparently you feel that I should get friends to spend time with since your life is too full with your other friends and significant others to squeeze me in. How does that work, exactly? You have time for regular time with other friends, but it's not reasonable for me to spend time with my friends, who I love and value, because you're so stinking busy. So I should get other friends for that part of my friend needs? I don't WANT other friends. I'm perfectly happy with the ones I have. I don't need a ton of friends to feel fulfilled. And frankly, I've never been the type that goes out with the aim of finding new friends and succeeds. If your soul does not speak to my soul I'm not going to try to force new friendships so I can have lots of friends.

ALSO. If one more friend suggests to me that I take yoga to fill the lonely void, I'm going to... do something painful to them. I don't know what it is, but it will probably involve some stupid yoga pose they can get stuck in. Why yoga? None of them take yoga. But separate friends who do not know each other and do not talk to each other have suggested yoga to me. Because apparently I'm tense and yoga will just resolve all of that.

How about this. How about you see that I am lonely and actually make an effort to spend time with me, like I would make an effort to spend time with you. How about YOU call ME from time to time. There is something incredibly lazy about "listening" to your friend talk about their loneliness and to then talk about how they need to spend time with OTHER people, because you are busy. Really? REALLY??? Do you hear yourself? And do you ever in a million years think I would tel l you to get more friends because you are lonely. No. I would plan something with you. Isn't that part of being friends? Apparently I have very high expectations of friendship. And you are attached to a significant other who fills all of your time. Why, just because I am single, must I subject myself to socializing frantically to fill the void. Did that work for you when you were single? Because that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I would rather spend meaningful time with people I care about. I have those poeple. And I actually do manage to spend a fair amount of time being social. That's not where the lonely feeling is coming from, and if you were half paying attention you would know that. Just because I don't report to you my social life doesn't mean I don't have one. Unfortunately making plans and going out to dinner or whatever doesn't fill the void. It's not more social stuff that's going to fill my void. It's heart to heart connection. So how about instead of suggesting that I do yoga and make more friends at church, you take the time to get what's going on in my head right now. Because you are not hearing me.

The Rollercoaster that is My Mind

Life is pretty good right now. That said, I've experienced a bit of rage and the urge to throw myself down and have a tantrum at work this week. This is because of several different parts of my life.

There's the part where I've been experiencing change at work, including transitioning from an old boss to a new one. I think I will be much happier with my new boss. My old boss, who technically has no authority over me, but is still around, is doing her best to drive me completely insane before she can bring herself to let go. I like to give her the benefit of the doubt and assure myself that she is generally not ACTUALLY trying to make me feel small and unskilled and slightly numb-skulled. Coolgirl takes a less charitable view of her and instead sees her as conniving and possibly the spawn of Satan. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But there are days I think Coolgirl's view of things is more accurate. Today is one of those days. After all, Coolgirl is a pretty good judge of character. Old bosslady has succeeded in not only making me feel slightly inadequate, it appears she has little minions among those I work with who are reporting back to her. I am forgiving of many things in life. Two-facedness is a challenging one for me. It's too much like a lie. Really, it is deceit, which is a form of lying. I've gone through several really good moods, and then moments of wanting to seek old bosslady out and bludgeon her with something sharp and painful. To the pain, not the death, mind you. I assure you that I had valid reasons for these moods, and am quite proud of myself for having a fairly good day despite the moments old bosslady managed to orchestrate.

There's the part of my life where my best friend, or one of my best friends, seems to be irritated wiht me. I might be totally jumping to conclusions here, considering I am inferring tone from texts. It could be all in my head. But I swear she is deliberately shutting down my venting. Which would mean it irritates her. But I don't vent that much to her. I swear. Just the normal I hate my boss today stuff. Just when I was thinking I need to spend more time with her. Maybe I don't? Or maybe I'm just crazy and there's nothing going on there and she would love to spend more time with me. I think my counselor would say to wait until this confusedness clears up and THEN make a decision. Wouldn't she? I don't know.

Fortunately there's also the part of my life where Coolgirl tells me that old bosslady is crazy. Because an amazing friendship has blossomed between Coolgirl and I. So at least I know that amidst the crankiness, there is someone excited to see me every day.

Grrrrr.

So today Crabby seems to be the watchword. I spent most of the day being fairly lazy. I feel as though I accomplished something simply because I tidied my room a little, showered, read my book for a while, talked to a fellow depressed friend, and went on a short grocery shopping excursion. In retrospect I wish I had been a little more lazy and not gone shopping. Because apparently I hate everyone today. I had not realized that until that point, having seen no people today. I did know that I had an annoying sinus headache. I think it was somehow affecting the part of the brain that holds patience. I had none. The clerks were lazy and rude (not totally my illogical rage talking there, I witnessed them ignoring and patronizing other customers), everyone was in my way on the roads, and I had to go to four stores to find the printer cartridge to make my printer work. The result is that although I am cheery at the moment, I'm pretty sure if there were people around I would be biting off their heads. I'm fairly certain that this is partially due to my impending "time of the month" (sorry if that's too much info, imaginary reader), which seems to amplify the anger part of my symptoms. I even annoy myself with all the drama in my thoughts that anger seems to bring. Ugh. Now I might just start snapping at myself.