I Hate Most Everyone At this Moment

I'm having a moment of slight rage. It's not burning, liquid rage in my belly. More just aggravation. I'm glad it's not burning rage, because I get tired of being angry, and anger seems to be something I do a little too well in my depressed state.

Today's topic of anger is friends who think I really should find people to fill my life and make it more full. Let me speak directly to said friends (although said friends will never read this). I would like to point out that YOU are my friend. And that you are too busy to spend time with me. So apparently you feel that I should get friends to spend time with since your life is too full with your other friends and significant others to squeeze me in. How does that work, exactly? You have time for regular time with other friends, but it's not reasonable for me to spend time with my friends, who I love and value, because you're so stinking busy. So I should get other friends for that part of my friend needs? I don't WANT other friends. I'm perfectly happy with the ones I have. I don't need a ton of friends to feel fulfilled. And frankly, I've never been the type that goes out with the aim of finding new friends and succeeds. If your soul does not speak to my soul I'm not going to try to force new friendships so I can have lots of friends.

ALSO. If one more friend suggests to me that I take yoga to fill the lonely void, I'm going to... do something painful to them. I don't know what it is, but it will probably involve some stupid yoga pose they can get stuck in. Why yoga? None of them take yoga. But separate friends who do not know each other and do not talk to each other have suggested yoga to me. Because apparently I'm tense and yoga will just resolve all of that.

How about this. How about you see that I am lonely and actually make an effort to spend time with me, like I would make an effort to spend time with you. How about YOU call ME from time to time. There is something incredibly lazy about "listening" to your friend talk about their loneliness and to then talk about how they need to spend time with OTHER people, because you are busy. Really? REALLY??? Do you hear yourself? And do you ever in a million years think I would tel l you to get more friends because you are lonely. No. I would plan something with you. Isn't that part of being friends? Apparently I have very high expectations of friendship. And you are attached to a significant other who fills all of your time. Why, just because I am single, must I subject myself to socializing frantically to fill the void. Did that work for you when you were single? Because that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I would rather spend meaningful time with people I care about. I have those poeple. And I actually do manage to spend a fair amount of time being social. That's not where the lonely feeling is coming from, and if you were half paying attention you would know that. Just because I don't report to you my social life doesn't mean I don't have one. Unfortunately making plans and going out to dinner or whatever doesn't fill the void. It's not more social stuff that's going to fill my void. It's heart to heart connection. So how about instead of suggesting that I do yoga and make more friends at church, you take the time to get what's going on in my head right now. Because you are not hearing me.