What to Do with All This Interest In Life...

As my meds appear to be working, as they seem to be on some days now, I'm realizing that I've been in a weird rut/holding pattern for several years now. I have been doing what it takes to get by and not much more, and I've been shutting down and shutting out the world whenever possible. As a result, I am so in the habit of not doing the things that interest me, I have to figure out how to have a life again. I let myself get sucked into my computer and then the day is done and I haven't done anything, even though I've had a strange yearning to be productive and do things that make me happy.

So part of the process, I think, is to make a list and intentionally do some things each day before I'm allowed to let the computer suck away my brain. Things like reading my book, writing my thoughts in my little blank book, writing some fiction, blogging, visiting my nieces and nephews, going to their games, getting dinner with some friends I haven't seen in a LONG time, going for walks/jogs, visiting nature, checking out free public events, cleaning/organizing my house, re-committing myself to my religious studies, finding new things to study, exploring the idea of getting a masters or a certificate, listening to music, clean my car for that feeling of accomplishment and... cleanness, do thoughtful things for people like send cards or make them cookies, get a pedicure, purging my house of junk, planning menus and cooking nummy stuff, and finding somewhere to volunteer. See, even a month ago, I couldn't even come up with a list of more than like two things that I enjoy doing that I could do for self care. Because nothing sounded good. I didn't enjoy life. And now, sometimes, I think I might be able to enjoy these things. At least on some days.

Motivation

So now that my meds have been at a fairly good level for a while, I'm feeling less apathy. I'm actually feeling a little bit of energy, and interest in doing stuff. The problem is, I've got some pretty good low-energy routines and habits. My laptop is my friend. I can talk to friends, read the news, watch tv, check my email, do work, read about things, buy things, listen to music... all from teh comfort of my bed. But I shouldn't just crawl into bed every night when I get home and stay there, right? It's occurring to me that perhaps this is not a good habit. I know, I should have thought about this a while ago, right? But my bed is so comfy and it's so nice to lay down when I get home. And then I never get up.

I am realizing I have this whole other part ot my living space, and it might be healthy to be out there sometimes. I could eat meals at a table instead of on my bed. I could watch movies on my tv. I could do projects... in all that space. don't ask me what kind of projects, but I'm sure I have some to do. Not crafts. I hate crafts. I could read books. I only read books when I'm outside or at restaurants alone now. As a result, I've been reading the same book since like December. It's a good book. But perhaps I should try finishing it sometime soon.

This might also help me with my goal of keeping my apartment cleaner. Right now, my bed is my island. All of my activity happens on my bed. Which can make my room get very messy very quickly when I don't want to get up and put things away or I don't look up from my computer enough to notice my surroundings. Bad. I used to clean and organize when I was stressed. Recently I've started doing this at work again. It's time to get my personal life clean and organized. I've been feeling icky for too long. It might be time to start taking care of myself again.

And then after all that energy comes into me and I feel actual interest and energy around those thoughts, I get up, and do something for 5 minutes, and I don't want to be. Because I like my routine and this living life thing takes energy.

Hello, Good Day!

I feel healthy today. Everything isn't perfect. There are things I wish were different. I wish a few people were relating with me differently than they are choosing to. I am stressed or nervous about a few things. I'm irritated about a few things at work, and a few things personally. But I'm content all the same. I love meds that work. I think they are making people want to be around me more. Also, the anti-anxiety meds have helped me to feel more sane and get through some things. I have the kind you take at the point of anxiety, and that you shouldn't use every day. They have helped keep me pinned down in reality and rational a few times. I find that having experienced a few stressful situations in that state makes me more able to conceive of dealing with similar circumstances in the future. That gives me hope.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like every day from now on will be like this. But I feel like I'm okay today. And every once in a while I need to stop and recognize these days and document them to prove to myself that they do exist.

Feeling Fine!

I have this thing when I am really, really, not feeling good inside, where I can't listen to music that elicits emotion. It's like I have a sensory overload, and it's too painful. I wasn't always this way. The first time I literally had to turn off the radio (and really didn't turn it on for months) was after The Big Breakup with Red. This was back in the day, before his alcoholism had come out to show itself in all its lovely glory. He dumped me. It was heart breaking, in the way where heart breaking does not really describe how much it hurt. I listened to a lot of old men debate politics and talk about the things that make old men crabby (everything) for a while after that. I found it soothing. Possibly because my mom listened to talk radio when I was growing up and we were driving around running errands and such. To this day, generally SOME songs are too much for me, depending on where the sore spot is and what the drama is at that point in my day/week/month/year/life. Today, as I drove to my therapist's appointment, I realized something. My mood was so even and I felt so at peace that no song was stirring me up and making me all festery inside. For the last two days, I have felt light. I'm cured! Right? Isn't that what it means?

I know I'm not cured. I know I'll still have crappy days. I know that I will still have days where certain songs make me want to puke from the anxiety or sadness or fill-in-the-emotion of it all. But I also know I have broken through some layers and dropped some serious baggage. I am not carrying The Roommate's burden. I am not carrying Red's. And while I feel strange--I am not really sure who this is I have here inhabiting my body, because it doesn't quite feel like me-- I also feel free. Light. Relieved. And blessed. What I am left with is the most amazing, intelligent, loving, tender, supporting, funny, no-nonsense friends you could ask for. How am I so lucky? They make me feel like a pretty amazing person myself sometimes. Possibly someday I'll get to liking myself as much as they all seem to like me. Things are looking up.

A Happy Moment

Just when I was beginning to question if I actually seek out ways to feel bad and just haven't admitted it to myself, I find myself feeling good for no reason, and feeling good about the fact that I feel good. I am fairly confident that I'm not seeking out ways to feel crappy, although I do have the habit of making choices that lead to me feeling like crap. Primarily, I don't communicate to my friends when things are bugging me. Or I don't communicate well, and so there is no resolution. But there's also the element where no matter what I do I still feel like poo. That does not help.

This week I have resolved conflict in healthy ways, and I'm not worried about anyone abandoning me. I would like to say that I have cleared a hump, but I know that I have more just cleared a wave. I'm sure there will be another panicky wave of feelings of abandonment at some point in the not-to-distant future. My hope is that I will continue to deal with them all adult-like. And hopefully at some point the waves will be fewer, far between, and ripple-like. I hope that's not an unreasonable expectation.

Next week may be different. I've decided to write a letter to my alcoholic friend, to warn him about my new boundaries before he rolls back into town expecting things to be the same as always. I really need to stop procrastinating on that.

One Thing I'm Thankful For

I do look on the bright side, believe it or not. I'm generally a glass half full kind of girl. This blog is a place where I give myself permission to be honest about the other half of the glass, which is, after all, empty. I may not like the person I look like on this blog, but it's easier to examine myself when I've gotten it out there. With that said, I would like to follow up my blog from yesterday, which was written from a place of despair and frustration with a moment of gratitude for where I am.

A year ago, I was unemployed and terrified. I did not know what I wanted to DO. It's really hard to look for a job when you are not really sure what your plan B is. I wanted to work with children, and the way in which I wanted to do so was not an option. Fastforward a year. I am so blessed to have been laid off. I learned so much about myself, through all that harrowing soul searching. And I have learned even more since I got my job. I never expected them to call me, let alone hire me, when I sent in the application. I can only conclude that God was guiding me. Or carrying me. The friendships I have gained, the knowledge I have acquired, are so far beyond anything I could have hoped for. It's not just that I've gained knowledge. It's that the knowledge that I have gained has enriched me and inspired me. Any good job should teach you things. This job is an amazing job, since it is teaching me things that will make me a far better person than I would have dared to strive to be. As hard as some days are, I am almost always happy to be going there, and I am often not in a hurry to leave. My work is meaningful, and it helps keep me sane.

Blank Mind

Today is a day where I can't really identify a way I have been impacted by my depression. I should feel invigorated by this, or relieved, or... something... but I don't really feel anything, except maybe bewildered. I don't really seem to be able to define myself outside of those symptoms of depression that I seem to have become skilled at identifying. It's good that I can identify them. I think this helps me from going crazy when the anxiety makes my brain feel like one of those little wheels that hamsters run around and around in, or when consciousness does not seem appealing. I can tell myself that I am not as awful as I feel when the anger gets the best of me and I spend the whole night annoyed with everyone for everything. But on days where none of those things are issues, I'm just left with kind of a nothing feeling. Maybe what I'm feeling today is guilt. Guilt that I am not getting more done since I feel none of the other symptoms taking over.

I read a blog posting somewhere not too long ago where the poster talked about how her therapist worked with her to identify what she was feeling outside of the basic emotions we all look for (sad, angry, happy...). I think that's where I am. I'm not sad, or angry, or really happy today. I guess I'm nervous for my interview tomorrow for a job. And I don't know what else. It seems like there must be more to what I am feeling right now.

Yay for Meds!

This week I'm feeling the effects of my new medication. I'm productive at work, I have a sudden optimism that life won't suck forever, and I like people- at least some people. This is a step in the right direction.

Of course, the fact that I am blogging at almost four in the morning when I have to be up and ready to work at 10am is not a good sign. Bad girl. This is a new trend. I don't usually stay up past two. And I still love me some sleep, which makes the mornings especially difficult.