Just when I was beginning to question if I actually seek out ways to feel bad and just haven't admitted it to myself, I find myself feeling good for no reason, and feeling good about the fact that I feel good. I am fairly confident that I'm not seeking out ways to feel crappy, although I do have the habit of making choices that lead to me feeling like crap. Primarily, I don't communicate to my friends when things are bugging me. Or I don't communicate well, and so there is no resolution. But there's also the element where no matter what I do I still feel like poo. That does not help.
This week I have resolved conflict in healthy ways, and I'm not worried about anyone abandoning me. I would like to say that I have cleared a hump, but I know that I have more just cleared a wave. I'm sure there will be another panicky wave of feelings of abandonment at some point in the not-to-distant future. My hope is that I will continue to deal with them all adult-like. And hopefully at some point the waves will be fewer, far between, and ripple-like. I hope that's not an unreasonable expectation.
Next week may be different. I've decided to write a letter to my alcoholic friend, to warn him about my new boundaries before he rolls back into town expecting things to be the same as always. I really need to stop procrastinating on that.
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