Why I Think My Insides Are Ugly

I've been pondering my insides a lot lately. Not so much things like my intestines and kidneys and such, but my soul. I don't believe I'm a bad person. In that sense it's not like I believe I have some kind of black soul. But I do seem to feel pretty deeply that I have a malformed, disfigured, hideous kind of soul. On many levels I don't believe this, but there seems to be a few deep down parts of me where this rings true.

This belief seems to rear its ugly head when I panic about my friendships. How can they keep wanting to be friends with me when I show them the ugly parts? Coolgirl has pointed out to me that she has shown me some of her flaws and that doesn't make me want to not be her friend, or view her as less. And it's true. With my very dear friends, I know about their flaws, and I know at least some of their deep dark secrets, and I've seen them when they are not at their best, and it only makes me love them more. But those things don't make them ugly. I try to take that experience (loving friends more deeply because of that deeper knowledge of them) and use it to gain perspective on how I can be lovable. But my brain pauses. Because that is different. They are beautiful inside. And I have no idea what good they see when they look at me, or what they might find to love. That's not to say I don't find things to love about myself. It's more that there seems to be a shadow over it all when I think about what they might see. I know my friends think I'm loyal, and Coolgirl has told me in the past that I'm one of the kindest people she knows. But then she also has pointed out that I am a caretaker and that isn't healthy... so that isn't good?

If all of my "good" traits are tied into unhealthy behaviors connected to my issues, then do I have any good traits? I wish I could work up the courage to ask Coolgirl what she loves about me, because I'm not really sure at this point what there is to love, since I've shown her so much of my ugly insides. How does that look to her? And why can't I put myself in her shoes? I'm usually good about seeing other perspectives. Apparently when that perspective is regarding me, I am blind.

The one place I have made some progress is figuring out what the point of friendship is when I can't keep them bound to me by their need. If they don't need me, they can still be committed to the friendship because of the love. Because that's the point of friendship, and what keeps those bonds strong. It takes work to keep love strong, but that's a healthy thing to focus on, instead of trying desperately to find a need to fill. That has been my epiphany this week.

Now my new question is this: what do they see in me to love? And why is that so hard for me to answer right now?