How I Found My Nose

I am currently reading "How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities." The funny thing is, I bought the book with my roommate in mind. She's seriously passive aggressive and has some really unhealthy relationship issues, and I have struggled with giving one of my oldest friends love without going insane from her manipulation. This book seemed to shout her name when I saw it on the bookshelf. I started to read it probably about a year ago. I got through most of the first chapter and then, as it often seems to go with any kind of book that might help me improve myself, I set it down and didn't pick it back up. I picked it up tonight, another year wiser, and focused more on myself than others. I've realized that it's more about ME dealing with things than it is about the porcupine. Go me. That sounds all healthy.

While I'm trying to really evaluate myself and how I can have toxic moments as well as healthy moments, I've realized that in the description of a toxic personality, my friend/ex-boyfriend fits 90% or so of the description to a T! I think I've blogged about him here. I would need to go back to see what his blog name is and I'm too lazy to do that right now. But the points is this: I realized some things about him that were right there in front of me. They are things as plain as the nose on my face! I've discussed them with friends, and identified them myself, but I've never quite defined them the way I just was able to.

He never, ever apologizes. Nothing is his fault. Everything becomes either my fault, his boss's fault, his family's fault, etc. I knew that on some level. But I literally can't think of ONE sincere apology from him. About anything. And having known him for the past 16 years, as a friend, then a boyfriend, then a friend again, you can imagine we've had some disagreements. The words "I'm sorry" may come out of his mouth from time to time, but the tone says, "I bequeath upon you my acknowledgement that you want my forgiveness." After the words I'm sorry, there is no discussion of him changing, or any real acceptance of responsibility. Somehow, with the apology, he also plants the idea that deep down, I must know that it's really my fault. And deep down, I told myself that I must try to be better.

He also has never fully given me his love. Even when we were dating, he used his love to maintain power. He would with hold it when he knew I was asking for it, and give it when he felt that would keep him where he wanted to be in my priorities and affections. He would give it when he wanted something, or to reward me for giving him something. I am a little sickened by that realization. But as much as these two things have become crystal clear to me in a way that I have never fully acknowledged before, I know I still have work to do. The way I know this is that there is still a part of me that is convinced that despite all the manipulation, deep down he really does love me. That I'm special. That he would not write me out of his life like all his other friends and family if I demanded more-demanded to be treated better. The rational part of me tells me that I will hear a lot of verbal abuse and receive a lot of punishment from him, in the form of all the things he knows will hurt me most if I try to draw healthy boundaries. But in my heart, I have a huge hope that my drawing boundaries will cause the huge awakening.

So basically I've got one foot out of dream land and I know in my heart that what I really want to do is pull it back in. But I know in my mind that I have to keep moving.

In case you are wondering, yes, he's an alcoholic. And one of the most unhealthy relationships of my life. I never realized how unhealthy until just now.