Deeper and Uglier (or, Where Is the Love)

Just when I think that I have seen the worst it will be for me, and that I can hold onto brighter times in the future, things get worse. And uglier. And my sorrow and anxiety and all those bad feelings delve so deep. If I had the option, I would have had weeks of not getting out of bed. Things have been looking pretty bleak. The world is pretty hard on people struggling with depression, especially when they mess up. Even people who have that shared experience are hard on you. In some respects I think they are harder on you. I am struggling to find an explanation for why friends who say they love me, who have been through some form of this, have so little tolerance for my misery. Perhaps it is because things haven't been as bad for them. Perhaps it is because their ways of coping are different from mine, and they don't understand why I'm not coping like they do. Perhaps it's because they are just as critical of themselves, and this is more about projecting than truly judging me. Whatever it is, it feels devastating to me sometimes.

This perhaps reflects my personal issues with wanting to please people. I really, really, really, want my friends and loved ones (and bosses, and coworkers, and the waiter, and the bus driver...) to think I'm great. I want them to think I'm smart. I want them to think I'm trustworthy, honest, and a solid friend. It's not enough for me to know those things myself. I need other people to see that, and acknowledge that. But, also, I think that most "normal" people would feel a little forsaken if their friends had indicated, when it was taking everything in them to hang on, that they weren't doing enough, and that they were not good enough the way that they were.

I think of one friend in particular. If she were to read this, she would probably dispute it, and say that she had never said I am not good enough. I've seen her do this to other people, so I shouldn't take it so personally, right? The bottom line is, though, that she sends the message, with her irritation, and her dismissal of the things I have to tell her, that if I were more on top of things, I would be more healthy, and my misery is due to my own laziness. Perhaps there is some truth to this. Depression is an ugly tangly thing, and the apathy and lack of interest in activities can lead to being more sedentary, which can then lead to feeling more depressed... it's one of the ugly truths of the disease. But, I spend a lot of time and effort pushing past that. And it's exhausting. That's where I feel like she needs to cut me some slack.

Really, I need to stop worrying about what she thinks. I know that's the healthy thing. But the reality is that we care what people think of us. Especially people we love. We want them to be proud of us. We want them to respect us. We want them to support us.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Happy Day are Here Again

In the ongoing but soon to be ended drama with The Roommate, I finally told her that I am not renewing the lease. Although I gave her a full month's notice, she does not feel that was enough notice, she does not feel that is enough, and has requested I extend it a month. I've gotten many venemous emails from her with not so polite requests for different things. She downgraded the cable and didn't tell me until she had gone into my room and taken the box (after talking to me just that morning). I'm feeling a little bit violated. I know that she has gone into protection mode, and that she is hurting and this is her way of dealing with it. But it's very frustrating because I'm not doing any of the things I"ve done to hurt her, and I've been careful to be as respectful as I can in all our communications. She projects unkindness onto people, though. This I have witnessed. So in her mind I'm doing things to hurt her and be selfish and rude. When in fact I've tried very hard to treat her the way I would want to be treated. But this is part of why we shouldn't be living together anymore. I don't feel like I can ever be good enough for her. I'm always doing things wrong in her mind. And I shouldn't feel this crappy every time I have an interaction with a friend. Which leads me to believe we are no longer friends. And since she's going to be angry and hurt no matter what I do, I have kind of given up trying.

I did get to a place on Thursday (the day of teh cable incident), where I realized that I cannot carry her baggage anymore. I've tried to be a good friend, and I know I'm not perfect, so it may not have been perfect, but I did try, and still she cannot forgive for any of my stupid moments. I need, and have, friends who will support and love me regardless of my faults. Coolgirl helped me to realize that. If I do something stupid she tells me. But I don't feel that she loves me any less, even if there is a glint of anger in her eyes. She is still respectful, and does not intentionally say things to hurt me. She wants me to do better because she believes in me. Same with BFF and other friends I think of. But The Roommate expects me to fail because she believes in my flaws. And she is prepared to be angry and hurt when I do. That's not healthy. And I have nothing left to give her. It's just frustrating because I know how she is interpretting my actions, and in her eyes I'm still being rude, and "fighting" with her, when really I'm just trying to stay out of her way and keep the peace. There is no winning.

So back to the baggage. I have come to a complete understanding that I need to focus on my own happiness. I've known it in my head, and Coolgirl gave me a big peptalk/lecture the other day telling me I was driving her crazy because I was getting all twisted up over The Roommate's shenanigans, and letting her guilt me and upset me and ruin my days. And she was right, and I knew it. But emotionally I still was feeling guilty and disloyal for leaving her, and for not trying to repair the friendship again. Even though I have tried everything I can and I don't really know if it is fixable given her current expectations. I've apologized numerous times and beyond groveling I'm not sure what she expects. So I need to focus on all the good things in my life. Because my life is really good right now. I have a wonderful job, which I love. I work with awesome people, who make me laugh and teach me so much. Church feels so much better, now that I'm going to a different meeting, away from The Roommate and some of the other drama that was attached to my last one. I have AMAZING friends who want the best for me, and want to see me happy. Friends who have stuck with me through hours of agonizing and crying and anixiety and drama over The Roommate and Red. I have some of the most amazing, smart friends I have ever had. I am so blessed. So do I really want to spend my time at work, and with my friends, crying, or developing stress headaches? There's so much I'm missing. These are all things Coolgirl mentioned in her lecture. But I really, really, got it and accepted it emotionally on Thursday.

And Friday was awesome. At least after the sleeping through my alarm and being late for work part. I felt so much better. I gave myself permission to let go of the burden of The Roommate situation. That's not to say that it doesn't nag at me (see above), or that I have no feelings. But I've let go of the ownership of the problems. I know what I need to do. I need to focus on what is healthy for me, and be the best person I can be. That doesn't mean I have to hold onto friends that are not really friends. Because she doesn't do anything that a real friend would do. She can't. She needs to work on healing herself first. And I can't do it for her. So I'm taking on extra pain for... no reason. I'm finally convinced of that. And I choose happiness.

Make Up Your Ever Loving Mind, People!

So my friends have been telling me that I need to deal with my emotions instead of just avoiding them. And then this week, some kind of traumatic things happened, and I've been trying to make sure I get down to the root of my feelings and figure out what is really upsetting me. I feel like I did a good job of that. And I do feel like I've been crying too much lately, but I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Also in the past I tended to avoid my feelings in order to avoid the pain and the crying and all that. So dealing with feelings is good, right?

Enter my friend who has been supporting me through all of this who is telling me I need to take up a hobby so I stop thinking about my problems so much. Um, make up your mind. I do not plan to fixate on these things, but I did need to make decisions (like the one not to live with The Roommate anymore), and you can't do that without thinking about your feelings, and there was some working through them to be done. I hate when people offer simple solutions without really stopping to think about what all the components are. Grr.

The Continuing Saga of Discovering New Things to Fix

So today I went to counseling and discovered that I have not finished discovering my issues yet. Apparently you can have more than one. But seriously, it was a good counseling session. We talked about the concept of confrontation, and how sometimes people avoid serious conversations about difficult feelings, putting the label of confrontation on those conversations. Really, conversations about deeper feelings between friends can be strengthening to the relationship. The difference is how you approach it. I could have approached Coolgirl the other day and said "You suck for not calling me back last night. Why didn't you take my phone call? You're so self-centered!" But I didn't do that, because she's not self-centered, and the real issue has nothing to do with whether or not she took my phone call when I wanted her to, and whether or not she called me back. The real issue was that I was worried that I was annoying her with my constant anxieties, and that as a result I was pushing her away. Had I approached her with the first set of accusations, I very well could have annoyed her and pushed her away. So self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

The question that I had for my counselor is how do I gauge when I've gone over the line as far as talking over my issues with my friends. Specifically Coolgirl, because the poor woman has taken the brunt of my panicky moments lately. Because she is a valued friend and a new friendship, I'm going through with her what I've gone through and not understood and so tried to ignore with other forming friendships. All the panicky "they are going to realize how crazy I really am and get sick of me feelings" are stronger in newer relationships, I think. I seem to have some trust that older friends won't leave me, not to say that I don't still panic over situations with them. What my counselor said was interesting. She doesn't think my gauge is haywire. She thinks I don't know how to gauge how much is too much with conversations like that, because I avoid having those conversations and always have. It's eery how pegged this woman has me.

So I am now learning what I probably should have been learning as an adolescent but avoided as much as possible. This is the part I'm going to struggle with: she told me to trust that my friends will tell me if I've crossed the line with wanting to talk these things out. That if I communicate openly with them they will tell me if I cross that line, and that is part of that learning process. I need to grow a gauge. My poor friends. She said Coolgirl is the perfect friend to be going through this with given her strong boundaries and patience because of her personal background. Poor, poor Coolgirl. But we also talked about how I need to stop deciding for my friends if they can handle supporting me and give them the opportunity to say if it's too much or be there for me.

This is going to be so hard. I feel so exposed. But I'm tired of feeling so sick. And this is supposed to deepen friendships. I like deep friendships. As long as they don't leave me.

Apparently It Never Ends.

The communicating, that is. I have been having a hard time the last week or so, partially because Coolgirl, who is very much an important person in my life now, has been quite distracted by a love interest. This has meant that she has not been talking to me and needing me the way that she was before this popped up, which is not to say that we don't talk practically daily and often spend time together at work (doing work-ish and non-workish things). As we have very well established, I worry about friends leaving me, and this worry has been very much at the forefront of my mind the last few weeks, not just because of Coolgirl but because of other friends as well. I totally thought when I finally pinpointed the center of my anxiety, I would instantly not be as panicked and quickly become less crazy. Turns out that's not how it works. I've been panicking, and the fact that I can identify the craziness of it, and the pattern of it doesn't make it any less painful or debilitating. So I have talked with Coolgirl some more.

I feel like I'm being so tiresome, bringing it up again and again, and telling her that I want her attention again and again. She says that it's not a big deal, and that I'm uncomfortable with communicating about it because it's a new thing for me. But I still can't quite dissuade myself that deep down, this is impacting the way that she views me and ultimately it will convince her that our friendship has gone deep enough and doesn't need to become deeper, thank you very much, crazy lady. I hope that's not what will happen. She assures me she won't be going anywhere, and I believe her. But I also know that people change, and their feelings about their friends change, and someday she COULD wake up and realize that I am way too much drama, and that it's not worth it. She COULD cut me out of her life. I know this because I've had a deeply trusted friend do essentially this. I do not believe that Coolgirl is that type of person., not even deep down in my crazy place. This insecurity feels so ugly and juvenile and gross that I AM deep down convinced that it can't feel good to be close to such ookiness. Whatever I may know on other levels, I don't know how to change that thinking. I feel like I am oozing these toxic feelings, and there is no containing them.

I can't seem to find perspective on this. I feel like I talk about this and think about it too much. But at the same time, I feel like I am making progress because I am finally identifying the root, or something close to the root, of my feelings. And I know that I have to keep thinking about it and talking about it to understand it. And I THINK that if one of my friends was talking this out with me I would not be bothered to hear about it over and over again, and I would be happy to see them making progress. But at the same time, I wonder if it's asking too much to expect a friend to have conversations over and over again about how their innocent, normal, justifiable actions are bringing out feelings of pain and anxiety. I have been trying to emphasize with her that I don't blame her, and am not saying I think she needs to change or is in any way failing me as a friend. I hope that she believes that I believe what I am saying. I know that a lot of this is about me figuring out how to deal with my feelings and communicate like a grownup and not get all paranoid and hyperventilate-y inside. I would really like to be at that happy place. I'm tired of being in this place. So why can't I just decide to be there? To be normal and sane and not spinney in the head? I find this part annoying. I would like to be all better now. I would like not to be the crazy friend.

Mental Health is for the Crazies!

One of the things I have learned through my struggle with depression is how silly people can be about mental health. We can talk about having healthy teeth, healthy breasts, healthy feet, healthy skin, and people will go to their doctors if they observe symptoms that indicate illnesses of those parts of themselves. But mental health? Only crazy people have to check on their mental health. Because, you know, the majority of us are unquestionably healthy, and therefore don't need to even assess for symptoms. Because crazy is so obvious. And, you know, there's crazy and not crazy.

I have friends who struggle to understand my mental illness. Some tell me I just need to buck up, or go let loose, or some similar brilliant strategy for "feeling better." Some say they don't understand, but they believe that it is a struggle for me, and they continue to try to understand. Some commisserate and compare medications with me. The most frustrating to me are the friends who "try" to understand, but in their heads think that I might be using this depression thing as a crutch to explain bad days. And heaven forbid I suggest they or another loved one might be a little depressed. Because, you know, they don't sit and cry for hours. And all those other symptoms that I have explained to them apparently apply to the crutch category. Are those friends really trying to understand? Or are they just wishing I would change the subject? Because, you know, mental health is an uncomfortable subject. So it must not exist. If only that worked for bills.

So. Tired. Communicating. Hard.

I finally unstuck my tongue (or really my texting fingers, since verbalizing my feelings was far beyond my reach but I was desperate to put the words out there) and told Coolgirl that I was hugely and irrationally panicked about our friendship and losing her. She is truly an amazing friend. She called me right after she read my three page text admitting what great fear I had that the luster was gone off me and our friendship was doomed to fail since I am so flawed. She did not roll her eyes and tell me I am fine, but told me she was not going anywhere, reassuring me that our friendship is deepening, and that she thinks I am an extraordinary friend. I'm not going to lie, I still have some underlying panic. But it's out there now, and she knows it's an issue, and has helped assure me that I have nothing to fear. And she is very good at identifying my anxieties once I have named them to her and she helps drain the life out of them when they pop up.

I don't think she knew quite how painful it was for me to communicate this one until she called me and talked to me for a minute. I was very quiet, having cried enough I was all choked up. It took her a few minutes to realize I was crying. The typing of the text took a while because I kept crying so hard I would have to stop, wipe the tears off the keyboard, and clear my eyes so I could see the buttons. This seems to be one of my deepest wounds. It literally takes my words and my breath away. I feel so much better now that I have brought it further out into the light of day. It's still there, but it's not quite as ugly out in the open, and I'm hoping the light will help shrink it.

The amazing way she validates my feelings and helps me feel like a highly valued friend is one of the reasons I love her so much. It's also why I feel this suffocating fear of losing her friendship. Because friends like this don't come easy or often. And they are the most painful to lose. I know. I pray I will never lose her.

Insecurity, you annoy me. Go away.

The last few weeks I have come to understand more and more that my fear of losing friends is taking up a little too much space in my brain.

In a previous post I discussed my fear of abandonment, and even how I could feel it taking hold even as I was enjoying my deepening friendship with Coolgirl. She is truly a "kindred spirit," if I can borrow a phrase from Anne of Green Gables. You would never supposed when looking at the two of us, and comparing our life stories and current life situations that we would make such a deep connection. But she really has become one of my most valued friends. We have connected on so many levels. She understands me, and I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of her. I can tell her anything without fear of judgement. Recently I have felt myself panicking more and more that she is, in fact, realizing how terribly flawed I am, and that somehow this will cause her to reassess me and realize that the things she valued about me were in fact based on misconceptions. I felt intense fear, for example, when she expressed annoyance with me for laughing at her when she was angry. She did nothing more than be honest with me, and normally I would have felt contrite, apologized, and been more mindful of her feelings when she is frustrated with something. Instead, I was in tears. It was over the phone, so she didn't know the extent of my reaction, which I am grateful for. No need to let her know quite how crazy I am, right?

I have not been able to find a way to express to her what is going on in my head. On the one hand, I think, she doesn't need to know. I can work through this, and really, it doesn't have so much to do with her, as it has to do with me and my insecurities in regards to holding onto friends. The last thing I want to do is convince another friend I am clingy. On the other hand, I think she might possibly be the safest friend I could ever talk about this with. She has never told me my anxieties are silly. She gets how real anxiety can be, and she helps me see reason. My feelings are safe when I express them to her. So maybe in talking to her about this panic I feel, I can find the key to resolving my issue.

I tend to lean towards talking to her about it. Except that every time I think about talking about it, I realize that this is actually one of my deep dark, ugly feelings. It touches a deep nerve. It is humiliating to admit the desperation I feel about losing friends. She knows about some of the friends I have lost, either through a true end to the friendship or a geographical separation. She even, as before mentioned, knows about my abandonment issues. So this probably wouldn't be a huge revelation. So what am I so scared of telling her? What doesn't she already know? She doesn't know how ugly I sometimes think I am inside. She doesn't know how much I really hate myself sometimes. There are many parts of me that I love. Most of the time. But I feel like there is an ugly part that is scarring my soul, somehow. I'm not sure I can even put into words what it is that is so ugly. But I think I might be convinced, somewhere deep down, that other people can see the scar.

My counselor asked me how old I feel when I have those kinds of thoughts. I think I feel about 12 or 13, which would make sense, since one of my first, deep, meaningful friendships came to an end around that age, after many days of panicky feelings that I was annoying said friend. That particular friendship, she actually was reinforcing those feelings. In fact, often she would become angry out of nowhere. The adult me knows that my friends now don't do those things. But I still panic. I need some outside perspective, and I wonder if Coolgirl could help give it to me. Too bad my tongue becomes paralyzed every time I get the chance to tell her what is going on in my brain. And I'm still not sure I can explain, even after putting it into words here. I'm tired of this. I would like to not stress about this anymore. Can I be done?

Around and Around and Back and Forth (Like a Yo-Yo but Less Fun)

So this weekend I'm full of anxiety. I figure if I can identify which symptom is making me behave like a crazy person, then I can stop the crazy thought pattern in my head before it drives me 'round the bend. I had friends cancel coming into town because of money problems, but I'm convinced that they really cancelled because they were hurt when other people weren't available so they decided it would not be worth it and are just making excuses. Even though I am available. Which makes me think that they are really forgetting me, just like I knew they would when they moved. Then I tell myself that if they are short on money then I should not be mad at them. Then I tell myself that they just don't love me like they used to. And the circular thoughts go on and on.

Having the weekend open after this sudden cancellation, I was blessed to receive an invite to spend Independence Day with some friends. Only I am now worried that a few of them are mad at me. Maybe, in my head-in-the-clouds state I seem to get in when I'm depressed, I just didn't notice that I offended them. It's a possibility. There's no way to talk myself out of that one, considering I can't consult with anyone that was there to see if that is how I seemed, since I don't like to get into the whole "I'm depressed" thing with most of my friends. (Most people don't understand, don't try to understand, and get uncomfortable with the topic, in my recent experience). So right now I'm going around and around in my head about the things I said, and trying to remember the sequence of things I said, and when people seemed to stop talking to me. The funny thing is, in my sane part of my brain, I'm pretty convinced that they were just tired. But what if they weren't?

Coming home from my weekend away, my thoughts turned to my bff who is also my ex, and I started thinking about why he never texted me back. I texted him two different days last week, and then once on the 4th. Why didn't he answer? That question pops up between "are they mad at me" and "why am I not a good enough reason to visit?" My rational part of my brain tells me that he told me a few weeks ago he reduced his text plan to save money, and he also told me a family member he is really close to was texting him, and he was excited. So he probably doesn't have lots of extra texts left. But still.

Give me a minute and I will probably think of another thing to worry about in the midst of these three issues. I need a vacation from my brain. Since I don't drink or do drugs, this could be difficult to accomplish... besides sleep, of course.