The Continuing Saga of Discovering New Things to Fix

So today I went to counseling and discovered that I have not finished discovering my issues yet. Apparently you can have more than one. But seriously, it was a good counseling session. We talked about the concept of confrontation, and how sometimes people avoid serious conversations about difficult feelings, putting the label of confrontation on those conversations. Really, conversations about deeper feelings between friends can be strengthening to the relationship. The difference is how you approach it. I could have approached Coolgirl the other day and said "You suck for not calling me back last night. Why didn't you take my phone call? You're so self-centered!" But I didn't do that, because she's not self-centered, and the real issue has nothing to do with whether or not she took my phone call when I wanted her to, and whether or not she called me back. The real issue was that I was worried that I was annoying her with my constant anxieties, and that as a result I was pushing her away. Had I approached her with the first set of accusations, I very well could have annoyed her and pushed her away. So self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

The question that I had for my counselor is how do I gauge when I've gone over the line as far as talking over my issues with my friends. Specifically Coolgirl, because the poor woman has taken the brunt of my panicky moments lately. Because she is a valued friend and a new friendship, I'm going through with her what I've gone through and not understood and so tried to ignore with other forming friendships. All the panicky "they are going to realize how crazy I really am and get sick of me feelings" are stronger in newer relationships, I think. I seem to have some trust that older friends won't leave me, not to say that I don't still panic over situations with them. What my counselor said was interesting. She doesn't think my gauge is haywire. She thinks I don't know how to gauge how much is too much with conversations like that, because I avoid having those conversations and always have. It's eery how pegged this woman has me.

So I am now learning what I probably should have been learning as an adolescent but avoided as much as possible. This is the part I'm going to struggle with: she told me to trust that my friends will tell me if I've crossed the line with wanting to talk these things out. That if I communicate openly with them they will tell me if I cross that line, and that is part of that learning process. I need to grow a gauge. My poor friends. She said Coolgirl is the perfect friend to be going through this with given her strong boundaries and patience because of her personal background. Poor, poor Coolgirl. But we also talked about how I need to stop deciding for my friends if they can handle supporting me and give them the opportunity to say if it's too much or be there for me.

This is going to be so hard. I feel so exposed. But I'm tired of feeling so sick. And this is supposed to deepen friendships. I like deep friendships. As long as they don't leave me.