I had a reeeeally bad weekend last weekend. One of the worst weekends I've had in years. One of the worst weekends I've ever had. It was a stay-in-bed weekend. A weekend where you wish you had the flu instead because that would be more comfortable. Because my heart felt like it was tearing, and I was aching for connection, but unable to ask for it, let alone accept it when offered. I didn't go to church. I cancelled a dinner with my parents. I didn't admit to anyone how bad it was until the end of a very long day in bed on Saturday.
Everyone seemed to know what would fix it all. The fact that I was not at all persuadable speaks to how bad I was. I couldn't be talked into going to church the next day. I couldn't be talked into having dinner with my parents. My close friends knew that this is where I should be on Sunday. They knew I shouldn't be in bed. I knew I shouldn't be. I just didn't care. I didn't want to be around people. I was too low to hide how low I was, and I didn't want to show that to anyone but a few close trusted friends. Unfortunately that one on one time was not an option right away. Not to say that they didn't worry, and try to help me, and offer solutions. What I wish had happened, and what would have happened in a simple world or another life, is that someone would have dropped everything and come to me. Because what I really needed? A hug. Still haven't gotten that one. I suck at asking for hugs. Yes, where I was at was my choice. But I was at a place in my head where I had stopped caring. And interestingly enough, at least one friend seemed irritated with me for that choice, almost overshadowing her concern. Maybe that had to do with the belief that I was much too strong to be so easily hobbled. Maybe it was a belief that my predicament was an attempt to manipulate for attention. I don't know. I just know that between that and the response of a friend who was pushing me to see my counselor this week like she was about to put me on suicide watch, I felt kind of misunderstood. Yeah, apparently communication is not as strong a point for me as I thought it was. Great. More stuff to fix.
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First I'm sorry for your hard weekend umm last weekend. I have to say you at least hold yourself accountable for your own actions. One of the first steps in personal growth is accepting the responsibility of things we do or did have control over (next step being what we don't :P).
ReplyDeleteBy doing so you at least distance your from blaming others needlessly (whether or not they were in the wrong). So good on you DoaDG, I hope your doing better now then back then.
All the best *hugs* ;0
--- Mike
Thanks! Michael. I have been clinging to the fact that I'm for the most part owning my part in this as proof that there is hope for me. :) And thanks for the hug. I really needed that. :)
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