So. Tired. Communicating. Hard.

I finally unstuck my tongue (or really my texting fingers, since verbalizing my feelings was far beyond my reach but I was desperate to put the words out there) and told Coolgirl that I was hugely and irrationally panicked about our friendship and losing her. She is truly an amazing friend. She called me right after she read my three page text admitting what great fear I had that the luster was gone off me and our friendship was doomed to fail since I am so flawed. She did not roll her eyes and tell me I am fine, but told me she was not going anywhere, reassuring me that our friendship is deepening, and that she thinks I am an extraordinary friend. I'm not going to lie, I still have some underlying panic. But it's out there now, and she knows it's an issue, and has helped assure me that I have nothing to fear. And she is very good at identifying my anxieties once I have named them to her and she helps drain the life out of them when they pop up.

I don't think she knew quite how painful it was for me to communicate this one until she called me and talked to me for a minute. I was very quiet, having cried enough I was all choked up. It took her a few minutes to realize I was crying. The typing of the text took a while because I kept crying so hard I would have to stop, wipe the tears off the keyboard, and clear my eyes so I could see the buttons. This seems to be one of my deepest wounds. It literally takes my words and my breath away. I feel so much better now that I have brought it further out into the light of day. It's still there, but it's not quite as ugly out in the open, and I'm hoping the light will help shrink it.

The amazing way she validates my feelings and helps me feel like a highly valued friend is one of the reasons I love her so much. It's also why I feel this suffocating fear of losing her friendship. Because friends like this don't come easy or often. And they are the most painful to lose. I know. I pray I will never lose her.