Apparently It Never Ends.

The communicating, that is. I have been having a hard time the last week or so, partially because Coolgirl, who is very much an important person in my life now, has been quite distracted by a love interest. This has meant that she has not been talking to me and needing me the way that she was before this popped up, which is not to say that we don't talk practically daily and often spend time together at work (doing work-ish and non-workish things). As we have very well established, I worry about friends leaving me, and this worry has been very much at the forefront of my mind the last few weeks, not just because of Coolgirl but because of other friends as well. I totally thought when I finally pinpointed the center of my anxiety, I would instantly not be as panicked and quickly become less crazy. Turns out that's not how it works. I've been panicking, and the fact that I can identify the craziness of it, and the pattern of it doesn't make it any less painful or debilitating. So I have talked with Coolgirl some more.

I feel like I'm being so tiresome, bringing it up again and again, and telling her that I want her attention again and again. She says that it's not a big deal, and that I'm uncomfortable with communicating about it because it's a new thing for me. But I still can't quite dissuade myself that deep down, this is impacting the way that she views me and ultimately it will convince her that our friendship has gone deep enough and doesn't need to become deeper, thank you very much, crazy lady. I hope that's not what will happen. She assures me she won't be going anywhere, and I believe her. But I also know that people change, and their feelings about their friends change, and someday she COULD wake up and realize that I am way too much drama, and that it's not worth it. She COULD cut me out of her life. I know this because I've had a deeply trusted friend do essentially this. I do not believe that Coolgirl is that type of person., not even deep down in my crazy place. This insecurity feels so ugly and juvenile and gross that I AM deep down convinced that it can't feel good to be close to such ookiness. Whatever I may know on other levels, I don't know how to change that thinking. I feel like I am oozing these toxic feelings, and there is no containing them.

I can't seem to find perspective on this. I feel like I talk about this and think about it too much. But at the same time, I feel like I am making progress because I am finally identifying the root, or something close to the root, of my feelings. And I know that I have to keep thinking about it and talking about it to understand it. And I THINK that if one of my friends was talking this out with me I would not be bothered to hear about it over and over again, and I would be happy to see them making progress. But at the same time, I wonder if it's asking too much to expect a friend to have conversations over and over again about how their innocent, normal, justifiable actions are bringing out feelings of pain and anxiety. I have been trying to emphasize with her that I don't blame her, and am not saying I think she needs to change or is in any way failing me as a friend. I hope that she believes that I believe what I am saying. I know that a lot of this is about me figuring out how to deal with my feelings and communicate like a grownup and not get all paranoid and hyperventilate-y inside. I would really like to be at that happy place. I'm tired of being in this place. So why can't I just decide to be there? To be normal and sane and not spinney in the head? I find this part annoying. I would like to be all better now. I would like not to be the crazy friend.