Mother of all Anxiety Attacks

Had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. I didn't really identify it as one fully until the very end. It was triggered by something that happened around noon and it continued until about midnight. I cried so hard at the end that I have sore crying muscles in my chest and stomach. I figured out near the end that I was feeling like crap for some very specific reasons. It was, I realized, based on a feeling of panic due to fear of abandonment. Still can't figure out why I have such a deep fear. I mean, I can think of different things from my adolescence on, but what started this irrational panic I have?

The feeling of panic I was feeling due to the perceived abandonment was exacerbated by the fact that I couldn't get hold of any of my friends. Coolgirl was having a crappy day herself, and my BFF was too stressed out and made it pretty clear (via text) that she did not have time to chat yesterday. She would have found a way to make it work had she realized the condition I was in, as would Coolgirl, but of course I shut down and isolated because I don't want to be a nuisance to my friends. Because, you know, they might get sick of me and leave.

Even writing about the feelings I was having yesterday is making me feel a little bit sick right at the bottom of my rib cage. Usually with anxiety I feel it in my heart (and I mean my emotional/spiritual heart, not the organ, if that makes sense). With this anxiety, it seems closer to my gut, and I swear I felt something ping last night when I started realizing what it was that was hurting me. I'm delving into deep feelings. And I don't understand why they impact me so deeply.

Coolgirl asked me what I was going to do for "self care" tonight. I am lying on my bed watching TV. Or staring into space. I alternate. I don't think that's what she meant. I should read or something. Writing is self-care, so at least I can tell her I did that. But I kind of just want to be numb. And doing more than lying here staring at the TV or space makes me think, which makes me not numb. I don't like it.