Happy Day are Here Again

In the ongoing but soon to be ended drama with The Roommate, I finally told her that I am not renewing the lease. Although I gave her a full month's notice, she does not feel that was enough notice, she does not feel that is enough, and has requested I extend it a month. I've gotten many venemous emails from her with not so polite requests for different things. She downgraded the cable and didn't tell me until she had gone into my room and taken the box (after talking to me just that morning). I'm feeling a little bit violated. I know that she has gone into protection mode, and that she is hurting and this is her way of dealing with it. But it's very frustrating because I'm not doing any of the things I"ve done to hurt her, and I've been careful to be as respectful as I can in all our communications. She projects unkindness onto people, though. This I have witnessed. So in her mind I'm doing things to hurt her and be selfish and rude. When in fact I've tried very hard to treat her the way I would want to be treated. But this is part of why we shouldn't be living together anymore. I don't feel like I can ever be good enough for her. I'm always doing things wrong in her mind. And I shouldn't feel this crappy every time I have an interaction with a friend. Which leads me to believe we are no longer friends. And since she's going to be angry and hurt no matter what I do, I have kind of given up trying.

I did get to a place on Thursday (the day of teh cable incident), where I realized that I cannot carry her baggage anymore. I've tried to be a good friend, and I know I'm not perfect, so it may not have been perfect, but I did try, and still she cannot forgive for any of my stupid moments. I need, and have, friends who will support and love me regardless of my faults. Coolgirl helped me to realize that. If I do something stupid she tells me. But I don't feel that she loves me any less, even if there is a glint of anger in her eyes. She is still respectful, and does not intentionally say things to hurt me. She wants me to do better because she believes in me. Same with BFF and other friends I think of. But The Roommate expects me to fail because she believes in my flaws. And she is prepared to be angry and hurt when I do. That's not healthy. And I have nothing left to give her. It's just frustrating because I know how she is interpretting my actions, and in her eyes I'm still being rude, and "fighting" with her, when really I'm just trying to stay out of her way and keep the peace. There is no winning.

So back to the baggage. I have come to a complete understanding that I need to focus on my own happiness. I've known it in my head, and Coolgirl gave me a big peptalk/lecture the other day telling me I was driving her crazy because I was getting all twisted up over The Roommate's shenanigans, and letting her guilt me and upset me and ruin my days. And she was right, and I knew it. But emotionally I still was feeling guilty and disloyal for leaving her, and for not trying to repair the friendship again. Even though I have tried everything I can and I don't really know if it is fixable given her current expectations. I've apologized numerous times and beyond groveling I'm not sure what she expects. So I need to focus on all the good things in my life. Because my life is really good right now. I have a wonderful job, which I love. I work with awesome people, who make me laugh and teach me so much. Church feels so much better, now that I'm going to a different meeting, away from The Roommate and some of the other drama that was attached to my last one. I have AMAZING friends who want the best for me, and want to see me happy. Friends who have stuck with me through hours of agonizing and crying and anixiety and drama over The Roommate and Red. I have some of the most amazing, smart friends I have ever had. I am so blessed. So do I really want to spend my time at work, and with my friends, crying, or developing stress headaches? There's so much I'm missing. These are all things Coolgirl mentioned in her lecture. But I really, really, got it and accepted it emotionally on Thursday.

And Friday was awesome. At least after the sleeping through my alarm and being late for work part. I felt so much better. I gave myself permission to let go of the burden of The Roommate situation. That's not to say that it doesn't nag at me (see above), or that I have no feelings. But I've let go of the ownership of the problems. I know what I need to do. I need to focus on what is healthy for me, and be the best person I can be. That doesn't mean I have to hold onto friends that are not really friends. Because she doesn't do anything that a real friend would do. She can't. She needs to work on healing herself first. And I can't do it for her. So I'm taking on extra pain for... no reason. I'm finally convinced of that. And I choose happiness.