I Would Like to Let Go Now.

I have a tendency to brood. Coolgirl has pointed it out to me. I have always done it, but had not identified that I do it to a larger extent than many people until she pointed it out. I knew that when I'm really anxious I would grab onto a thought and think it over to death. But I have come to realize that I often grab hold of a thought and obsess about it and don't let it go.

Example: tonight, I went to a friend's birthday celebration. It was a great time but at the end the birthday girl disappeared, and a few other small things happened that seem to indicated to me that she is annoyed with me. I have analyzed my conduct and I really haven't done anything wrong. At most, I failed to recognize the moment when she took something personally that was not directed at her and not intended to give offense. But of course, this is where my brain won't shut up. I keep thinking over and over and over again to think of everything I said, every look she had, how she might have taken things I said, and what she might say to other friends. Then I start to worry about how how she appears to feel about me at this moment might impact the way other friends feel about me. This might impact how other friends interact with me in the future, and I don't want to lose those good relationships. Then I try to talk myself down by reminding myself that if she is irrationally angry, said friends will call her on it and refuse to allow her to blame me. But the thoughts of "what if" go on. I foresee manipulation and half truths that might convince said friends to spend less time with me. Basically I start to see the demise of friendships, all over one woman's cranky moment. Described here, I sound a little nutty to myself. But I still fear the power of this one woman over one particular friendship that I hold dear. Also, I don't like having people upset with me, and I want to resolve it, and it's aggravating that I can't. But this is not a situation where I can, or should, do or say anything. And I truly honestly didn't do anything wrong. Her anger isn't even really about me. But it keeps happening. And my brain won't let go of it. Shoosh, brain.